Restarting school – after any break, short or long – can leave you with a pit in your stomach. How are you going to motivate your kid to do schoolwork this year? The fear that your child might not are or put sufficient effort into school raises real alarms:

• Do they realize what is at stake?
• Will they regret not trying until it's too late to turn things around?
• What about college -- will they be closing doors to their future?

As parents, we cannot control their behavior, only some of their options. Like a bumper sticker I once saw reads, "They can send me to college, but they can't make me think!"

Why Doesn't Your Child Care?

Kids are motivated at all times – they are just not always motivated by our agenda or what we think is appropriate. Lack of desire in school is often related to one of three things:

1. School is TOO MUCH

For whatever reason, your child/teen doesn't believe they can meet the expectations placed upon them, and does not feel they can get the support they need in the way that feels safe and comfortable. Kids are under much more pressure academically than they have been in the past. Some kids, especially those who struggle with slower processing speed, weaker working memory, and other related struggles, can truly shut down under excess pressure. When the brain is stressed excessively, with cognitive demands beyond what one can manage, survival instincts take over. The reaction is fight, flight or freeze. (Click for: When Smart Kids Struggle in School; Why High School is Really Hard; and Standing up for Kids Who are Falling Behind.)

2. Your child doesn't feel comfortable at school

Your child/teen does not feel safe in school for reasons related to anxiety (social or otherwise), depression, or bullying. Unfortunately, for some kids, school is just not a safe place. While it's apparent with some kids that anxiety, depression, or bullying may be playing a significant role in their school avoidance, some kids go to extraordinary lengths to mask their concerns and let it seem that they just don't care. It's sometimes emotionally easier to put up smoke and mirrors to distract from the real pain and fear that lies beneath. It is vital that parents and teachers explore any concerns carefully before pushing further for school involvement. (Click for 10 Tips to Improve Communication with Your Child’s Teacher.)

3. "I don't need school!"

Your child/teen has outside interests that they feel conflict with or are mostly unrelated to any learning they are doing in school. Some kids truly don't feel that school has any meaning for them in their future lives. Some have interests in non-academic fields and don't see the value in school learning. They may look at the many start-up businesses successfully created by young people who have not followed a traditional path and imagine that will be their path as well. And then there are some just don't have any idea what they want for their future, so they can't imagine why they should struggle with coursework that holds no interest or meaning.

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So, What's a Parent To Do?

If you feel you have a resistant child, and your continued pushing is having no positive effect, you may consider trying a different approach.

Step One: Breath. Really – without truly being able to relax the mind and body, it's impossible to do the next step well. Take three long, deep breaths and find somewhere comfortable to sit. Don't forget to exhale! (Read: How to Help Your Child Concentrate.)

Step Two: By asking yourself and your child, some key questions, you can start to gather information about that will help you map out a road to action. (Read: Five Magic Words.)

Here are some important questions to get you started:

• What do I know about WHY my child doesn't care?
• Are the expectations reasonable, given their level of ability and available support?
• Does the school environment feel emotionally safe and supportive?
• What interests and passions, outside of academics, are there within the school setting?
• Do they have any ideas about what they might like to do in the future?

Step Three: If you have a child who can see no value in coursework, then sometimes it's best to put the focus on the act of learning, rather than the subject matter and the grades. The goal and focus should be on learning how to learn – not just the grade. For instance, even if the subject is not appealing, learning how to master reading complex material, or doing research on a subject, or memorizing certain information, can be related to skills to support when pursuing other interests and can become the main focus.

To motivate your kid to do schoolwork, collaborate to set school goals that are attainable and that your child truly buys in to. This may mean letting go of some of your expectations and desires, but chances are that it's not your wishes that motivate your child, anyway. Help them prove that they can do what it takes to achieve in any arena.

Final Thoughts

It's not easy to pull back and allow kids to have space to discover the impact of their decisions. But sometimes, this is where the most important developmental growth happens.

If your child truly doesn’t care about school or has no vision of a future education, then you may want to encourage career exploration. Exploring different career options and possibilities can open doors to drive and ambition.

Try to keep in mind: doors rarely are closed forever. There are many late bloomers in life.

And there are many others who took unique pathways and became incredibly successful once they had direction.

Keep a strong, supportive relationship with your child so you can be there when they need you. And remember the Buddhist saying, “When the student is ready, the master will appear."