Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Welcome back, everybody, to another conversation on the Parenting with Impact podcast. My guest today is Dr. Monika Roots. We’re going to continue our discussion about talking to kids about pornography, sexuality, and online risks. I know this isn’t an easy topic for many people to think about or discuss, but it’s incredibly important.

When my 23-year-old son said to me, "Mom, I don’t know anybody my age who hasn’t been traumatized by the Internet," I thought, okay, we need to do something about this. We need to talk about it. So, Monika, thank you for being here, and thank you in advance for being willing to step into this challenging and transparent conversation with me.

Monika Roots: Thank you for having me. This is such an important conversation, and I’m so happy to be a part of it.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: I agree. So, why don’t you start by telling us a little bit about how you became the right person for me to talk to about this?

Monika Roots: Well, I’m trained as a child, adolescent, and adult psychiatrist. I’ve worked with individuals of all ages— from birth to old age— for over a decade. I started out in areas like child protection, eating disorders, and substance use, so I’ve seen a lot of serious cases over the years. I went on to work at Teladoc, where I helped build their behavioral health line of business.

I also served as Chief Medical Officer at San Felo during the pandemic, taking care of many people with mental health issues. More recently, I co-founded a company called Bend Health, which focuses on kids, teens, and young adults.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: So your focus now is really on kids, teens, and young adults.

Monika Roots: Yes, that's correct. And we place a strong emphasis on including the family or caregivers because a child, teen, or young adult today is so dependent on their ecosystem and the people who support them. We believe it's essential to include them in the experience.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Absolutely. When I was doing some research, I really wanted to find someone who was open to having a real conversation about this. And it’s not easy to find, because this is a complicated topic and can be an embarrassing conversation for many people.

I’m becoming more aware of the data, and we’ll do another episode focusing on research and what Common Sense Media has found about the relationship teens and young adults have with pornography, especially in this day and age. But whether we’re talking specifically about pornography or just online risks in general, this is a conversation that parents know is crucial.

It’s kind of like the "sex talk," as if there is just one conversation. We’ve already touched on prevention and the importance of having open conversations, sharing our values with our kids. I’d love for you to set the stage from your perspective. What do parents need to know in order to have honest, safe conversations with their kids in this area?

Monika Roots: I love how you brought up the "sex talk," because in my line of work, when I speak with caregivers, there’s often anxiety around puberty. How do I talk about this? I think my parents maybe took out a book and read it to me— that was their way of doing it.

But one thing I believe is important is that we, as caregivers and parents, have to remember that our kids didn’t choose to come into this world. We brought them into it. So, we have a responsibility to introduce them to what life is really like.

If you think about it, when you have a five-year-old learning to cross the street, you teach them the ground rules: look left, look right, stop, and if there's a car, don’t cross. You teach them how to do it, they practice it with you, and then they’re able to cross the street on their own. That’s their victory, but you set them up for that process. It’s very much the same when we think about online experiences or pornography, and what they might encounter.

It's our responsibility, no matter what age they are, to explain to them what they might find online, how we’re there to help them navigate it, and to continuously support them when new things arise. We can’t predict everything they will see, but we want to be the voice they turn to, the support they rely on when they have questions.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: There are parents listening right now, and I hear what you're saying. And I'm thinking about, and I've been open about this recently, my youngest is 23, so he was among the early wave of kids exposed to the Internet before we really understood what we were dealing with. He and his friends all bear scars from those early years.

Now, we know about Internet controls and parental controls, and all of these things. But we also know that kids are better at technology than we are, and they can get around many of those controls, right? So what you're saying is, it’s not enough to just say, "No, my kid's not going to see this."

Monika Roots: Exactly. We need to think about the Internet or technology almost like water. You might stop it at one point, but it's going to find a way in another. So assuming you can protect your child from everything, put them in a bubble, and control what they consume— that just won’t happen.

I have young kids, an eight-year-old and an eleven-year-old, and they go to school where one of my son’s friends has a cell phone with internet access and has talked about seeing a naked woman online.

So, I can put as many controls in place as I want, but that child is still going to go to school, interact with his friends, and will inevitably encounter something. You can't protect them from all of that. What you can do is increase their digital literacy, help them understand what’s right and wrong in an age-appropriate way.

But starting that conversation— just like the "sex talk"— and making it feel like it's not a shameful topic, but a real, open conversation, helps lay the groundwork. It creates an environment where your child feels comfortable coming to you when they’re confused, have questions, or when they’ve seen something that scares them.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Exactly. So really, what you're aiming for is, and we talk about this in every aspect of life, right? In some ways, I don’t want to say the stakes are higher, but the stakes are certainly different. We want to be the person they turn to, we want to build trust.

And yet, many parents hearing this may be thinking, "There’s nothing that will turn my kid off more than me starting this conversation. Nothing will push them away further." How do you respond to that?

Monika Roots: What’s so funny is that I hear that a lot. But what kids, even teens, really need is the concept of boundaries. What makes a teen really anxious—and may actually push them away more—is when they don’t understand what boundaries are.

They don’t know what the limits are. If you remember developmentally, at that age, their whole job is to test limits and figure out how far they can go before they get into trouble. If we don’t set those boundaries, they actually get anxious, because they keep searching for when they’ll get in trouble. And once they push past those limits, it may actually be too much for them.

One of the things I tell parents is that it’s never too late to have that conversation. Okay, maybe you have a teen who got a phone six years ago and you didn’t have the conversation then. But now you’re learning more and feeling a little scared about what they may have been exposed to. I often hear parents say, "I can’t have that conversation anymore, it’s too late."

As a parent, it’s never too late. They could be 60 or 70, but as a caregiver, I’ll be there for them. It’s never too late. So, having the courage to say, "No, I’m going to have this conversation" is key. You may not have the full conversation, but you can introduce it.

You can say, "You may be seeing things online that could be harmful, or things you’re curious about, and I want you to know I’m here to talk about that." Some things you might come across are violence, people talking about suicide or self-harm, or graphic nude images or pornography. These are things we need to talk about. I am here when you’re ready.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: "I am here when you are ready"—those are probably the most powerful words you can say. That means we actually have to be willing to be there. This just clicked for me. I’ve got some links I'll put in the show notes, some articles on how to handle embarrassing conversations with your kids and things like that.

But what do we need to do for ourselves to be there for them? Because some of the things they come to us with may be outside of our realm of experience. They’re experiencing things we haven’t, and, in some ways, they have more comfort with it than we do.

Monika Roots: They do. A few things come to mind. The first is to educate yourself. With education comes knowledge, which helps reduce a lot of the stigma we may feel or think about, and it opens our eyes to what they might be seeing. Education is key.

The second thing is to park your judgment at the door. If your child or teen thinks you’re being judgmental about what they’re seeing, they will shut down and not come back to you. Feeling judged can be emotionally harmful and will prevent them from having open conversations with you.

The third thing is to check yourself during the conversation. Maybe you need to take a deep breath and step out of the room, collect your thoughts, and come back. That’s completely okay. And you should give them permission to do the same.

If you’re having a tough conversation, let them know, "If you need a break, just tell me, and we can pause and come back to it." There’s nothing wrong with interrupting a difficult conversation; it actually helps you be more present when you continue.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: In our language, we call that "reclaiming the brain." When your amygdala starts to take over and throw things off track, slow down to speed up. Take a moment, take a breath, and know what helps you reclaim your brain.

Hopefully, you’ve been doing the work to help your kids understand what it is for them, too. The key is really setting the tone by giving permission to understand that these conversations are going to be uncomfortable. It’s okay to acknowledge, "It’s not just you, it’s uncomfortable for me too, and we’re going to fumble through this together."

Monika Roots: Yes, giving permission to be human. We all need that.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Absolutely. That’s a great place to take a quick break, and we’ll be right back.

[After Break]

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Welcome back, everyone, to the Parenting with Impact podcast. My guest is Monika Roots. I just love that "give permission to be human" is something we talk about a lot in our community. Thank you for that, it was beautiful.

Now, let’s go back to this topic. We’re really focusing on preteens and teens here. So, there are the preventive conversations about managing what they’ll be exposed to, but now we’re moving into how to handle it when your kids have been exposed.

How do you know, as a parent, if your kids are engaging with inappropriate material without you even knowing it?

Monika Roots: It is very possible that you won’t know. A few signs you might notice are changes in mental health or behavior. For example, if your child is exposed to pornography for the first time, or they start watching it more frequently and it becomes almost addictive, you may notice them becoming more withdrawn.

They might spend more time in their room, become more anxious, act out by getting irritated or overwhelmed, or even have tantrums. When a child comes to my office with anxiety or depression, I often ask about what they're watching online, what they’re exposed to on social media, and their relationships, including romantic ones.

Parents sometimes ask why I’m asking those questions, worried that I might be planting ideas in their child’s head. But asking these questions doesn’t cause those thoughts—just like asking about suicidal thoughts doesn’t create them. It’s important to address things like pornography early, because exposure to it can cause confusion, chaotic thoughts, and misunderstandings about romantic relationships.

If you don’t ask directly, it’s very possible they won’t volunteer this information. When pornography becomes more addictive, you may see signs like isolation, no real romantic relationships, or involvement in online ones that take on a different tone.

These kids may also become very angry, stop eating, sleep poorly, and their grades may slip. These are similar signs you might see in cases of substance abuse or addiction, and it can happen with internet overuse and pornography.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: So, everything you’ve described sounds like it applies to a lot of kids in my community. How do we know if it’s an underlying addiction or just overuse of technology to avoid dealing with anxiety, depression, or other issues? How do we know if it’s really pornography at the root?

Monika Roots: Well, you don’t have a crystal ball, but you do have your words. Start by having that conversation. Ask, "Have you ever seen pornography? Do you know what it is?"

Some kids don’t even know what it is, but they may have encountered pornography on platforms like Instagram, which isn’t usually where you’d expect to find it. So, asking the question is step one. That’s why clinicians like me ask these things directly.

The next step is trying to identify the cause and effect. It’s not uncommon for kids who are depressed or anxious to turn to things like social media or the internet to fill a void. It’s not that one is exclusive from the other—one may be exacerbating the impact of the other.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: So, if a child is struggling with anxiety or depression and uses the internet to avoid those feelings, it can lead to a cycle where they turn to pornography as a distraction, which worsens everything—like a cascading effect.

Monika Roots: Exactly. It becomes a snowball. These kids often end up with poor sleep, difficulty focusing, strained social relationships, and trouble in school, and it just keeps going in a negative cycle.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: One thing we see often in our community is that parents are struggling with fractured relationships with their kids, especially after years of unmet expectations or misunderstanding a child’s diagnosis.

In those cases, how can parents approach these sensitive issues? Raising these topics might actually make things worse if trust hasn’t been established.

Monika Roots: Yes, there are a few pieces to this. Family therapy is crucial. Parents need to be part of the process. A lot of parents worry that family therapy will just focus on blaming them for their child’s problems, but that’s a myth. Mental health issues are complex and aren’t necessarily caused by one specific thing.

Parents might be part of reinforcing some behaviors, but it’s unlikely they caused the problem entirely. Let’s look at trust. Trust is a two-way street, and it can be impacted by things that parents may not even be aware of.

For example, if your child comes home excited about an A on their paper, and you’re stressed from work and say, “I can’t talk right now,” or later, when they try to talk again, you’re too tired, that can erode trust. It’s not intentional, but it still has an effect.

Parents have a lot on their plates, but even small moments like these can make a big impact on trust. Trust can be repaired over time, but it requires effort. And one of the most powerful things a parent can do is take ownership of their role in it.

Saying “I’m sorry” and acknowledging the impact of your actions is incredibly powerful. It’s not just saying “I’m sorry but…” It’s taking full responsibility and showing how you’ll do better next time.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: It’s such a powerful tool. We worry about having difficult conversations, and we often have these scripts in our heads—like we’re supposed to be the authority and have it all figured out. We don’t want our kids to see that we don’t always know what we’re doing. But what we often forget is that kids don’t want perfection.

They want to see us as human. They want to see that we’re fallible, and that’s what being an adult is about—not having everything right, but being able to figure things out.

Monika Roots: Yes, exactly. When children are very young, they need to see us as superhuman, teaching them how to navigate the world. But as they grow older, what they really need is to see that we’re human too.

We need to grow with them, and sometimes, as parents, we get stuck in the past phase of development. It’s not just about the kids developing; we need to keep developing ourselves as well.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: There are so many directions I could take this conversation, and I really appreciate what you're saying. It reinforces a lot of what we teach with the coach approach and the messages we're encouraging parents to consider in a different light.

I want to stick with the topic of having a difficult conversation. What you've shared so far highlights some signs to look for and offers some language to help approach a conversation if you're concerned about something going on with one of your kids.

Monika Roots: The first thing is always to focus on the things you see, not to interpret them for your child. For example, you might say, "Hi, here's what I've noticed: you've been coming home from school, going directly into your room, and spending a lot of time in there.

Here's why I’m concerned: you're spending a lot of time away from your parents. We would love to hear from you and make sure you're okay. We want to ensure things are going well at school because that's my job. Is there anything going on that I should know about?

When you're ready to talk about it, I'm here." What you're doing is sharing what you see and explaining why you're concerned, not making assumptions. Saying something like, "I think you're in there playing video games and probably having bad relationships or watching pornography" is an interpretation that may not reflect what's actually going on.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Let’s take a moment to pause and really emphasize this point. When we catastrophize and tell ourselves all kinds of stories, we're bringing that judgment into the conversation. What you're saying is, as part of that process, we need to leave the judgment at the door and stick to observing what we’re noticing.

Monika Roots: Exactly.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Okay.

Monika Roots: This is why I'm worried—not why you're worried, but why I'm worried. When you're ready to talk about it, which might not be when I bring it up (because it's not always on your terms, it has to be on both of your terms), I am here.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yes, exactly. We keep coming back to that point: "When you're ready, I'm here." Our kids, especially those who are more complex, might need to hear that from us several times before they start to trust it.

For years, they may not have trusted us, and they may have had good reasons for that. They may have felt judged or micromanaged. It takes time to rebuild that trust, and just saying, "I'm here," and not forcing it, is a key part of that rebuilding process.

Monika Roots: Right, because you're respecting them. That’s showing respect.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Exactly. To quote Rosalind Wiseman, you're making the distinction between respect and dignity. You're honoring their autonomy and dignity by saying, "I'm here for you when you're ready," without forcing the conversation.

It's hard, though, because you’re anxious and worried. What I hear you saying is that it’s okay to let them know you're anxious and worried, but you don’t want to project that anxiety onto them. It’s your job to hold and navigate your own emotions.

Monika Roots: Exactly. But there's more to it. You also want to get to the root of what might be happening, because when they do come to you, they may not tell you everything. The next step is to lead with curiosity. You might say, "Hey, you spend a lot of time online. What are you looking at? I’m curious." Maybe there’s a new song or a TikTok dance they’re following.

Be curious. Ask, "Is there anything online that you're seeing that’s scary, confusing, or something you're worried about telling me?" This opens the window for them to start sharing what they may be encountering. And if they show you something that is pornographic, it’s important to use that word. This is pornography.

They might not recognize it as such because it's so common now, and they may not even realize it’s pornographic. It’s important to name what they’re seeing so you can have a conversation about why pornography isn’t a good basis for understanding relationships and why it can be harmful. They may not know it’s pornography, so approaching the topic with curiosity and educational intent is key.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: This reminds me of the saying from the 70's: "I can’t define pornography, but I know it when I see it." What you’re saying is that, today, pornography is so widespread that kids may not recognize it as such. What might have been considered pornography 20 years ago is now PG-rated or even part of mainstream movies.

Monika Roots: Correct. And so it’s important, once again, to leave your judgment at the door in that moment. What you grew up with is not what they’re growing up with. We need to avoid judging them or asking, “Why don’t you know this is pornography? Shouldn’t you know?” If you never taught them, how would they know? They only know what they've learned from their peers or friends.

As a parent, it’s important to have the conversation, but once you’ve started, you need to be ready to educate and have follow-up conversations. You’ve opened that window, so be careful what you wish for. But this is actually what you wish for, because it opens the conversation for this—and much more.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Well, here’s what I’ll say: if you end up in that conversation and don’t feel ready for it, it’s okay to tell your child, “I think I need to do some homework to talk to you about this more effectively.” It’s okay to pause and come back to the conversation later. In fact, it’s probably better to give yourself time to calm down and prepare yourself to revisit the discussion.

Monika Roots: Exactly. Be with them. Just be human.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah. I would love to keep going, but I know it’s time for us to wrap up. Dr. Monika Roots, thank you for being here with us today and for the important work you’re doing in your community. Can you tell us how people can learn more about you?

Monika Roots: You can find out more about me and the work we do at BendHealth.com, where we help families every day with everything from handling life’s ups and downs to more serious concerns. We’re here to support you.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Beautiful. We’ll have that in the show notes. Thank you again. Before we finish, is there anything we didn’t cover that you want to make sure we mention? Or something you'd like to highlight? How would you like to close the conversation?

Monika Roots: I think the most important thing for caregivers to understand is that, as a parent, we brought this child into the world. It’s our responsibility to be there and help them navigate. It’s never too late. Please, never think that because you've done something in the past, you can't change your mind, set a new limit, or have an important conversation.

You absolutely have the right to do that, but it’s essential that you do it with respect—for both yourself and your child. Make sure you open those moments of conversation so they feel comfortable coming to you, because that lays the foundation for a rich relationship as they grow.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Absolutely. If I may add, in our community, we talk a lot about whose agenda it is. We believe passionately in helping our kids feel a sense of agency. That doesn’t mean that you, as a parent, can’t have an agenda.

This is a powerful and important agenda we’re discussing. I think what you're speaking to is how to bring that agenda to your child in a way that fosters agency, buy-in, and collaboration. It’s not about thinking, "I can’t talk about it because they didn’t start it," but about how you can collaboratively approach this conversation together. Would you say that’s fair?

Monika Roots: I love that. That’s a great way to summarize it.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Great. Thank you again for everything you’re doing. One more thing—do you have a favorite quote or motto you’d like to share?

Monika Roots: I actually have a quote from the Rolling Stones: "Time waits for no one." I think that’s really important to remember—that every second, every moment, and every relationship matters. Keeping that quote in mind fuels me for everything I do. It really speaks to the relevance of all these conversations.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Beautiful. And the Rolling Stones quote is a perfect touch! I love it. Thank you again for being here. It’s been a pleasure to get to know you and be in this conversation with you.

Monika Roots: Thank you for having me.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: For those of you listening, take a moment to reflect on what we've discussed today. What insight or "a-ha" moment are you taking away? What awareness are you gaining from this conversation, and what do you want to do with it? Is there a particular conversation that’s coming to mind—maybe with a co-parent or one of your kids? What is it that this conversation has brought up for you that you want to carry forward?

I’m reminded of this simple but powerful phrase: "I am here if you need me." And that really sums up what we’re doing here at Impact. That’s what this is all about—we’re here if you need us.

So, if you’re having these kinds of conversations and you're looking for help, know that there are many resources available. We’ll include a lot of them in the show notes because that’s what we’re here for—to guide you through this process.

And as always, my friends, thank you for the work you’re doing for yourself and your kids. You’re making an extraordinary difference. Take care, everybody.