Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Welcome back, everybody, to another conversation on the Parenting with Impact podcast. We’re excited to have a discussion about summer, especially for those of us in the northern hemisphere.

Diane Dempster: It's funny because you might not be listening to this at the same time of year, but for us, it’s officially the beginning of summer.

Schools have been out for about a week where I live. I can't tell you how many clients I've talked to last week who were saying, "Oh my gosh, it’s summer! Yay, it’s summer!" And then, "Oh crap, it’s summer."

It’s a bit of both. So, we thought it would be fun to talk about some of the challenges, opportunities, and ways to keep some sanity during the next few months.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: And to set realistic expectations. Because at the end of the day, that’s how we maintain sanity, right? By setting realistic expectations. When we expect we should be able to do it all, that's often what leads to stress.

Diane Dempster: I’m laughing because I have a story about one of my clients—I'm not going to name names, but she has three kids.

One of them came home with a huge packet of work to do in preparation for middle school, while the other two are Montessori kids with optional assignments—if they want to do it, they can; if they don't, that's fine. But the mom immediately went online and ordered more educational stuff. Why? Just because.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right.

Diane Dempster: It’s so much about what we do as parents. I remember when my kids were younger—Elaine, I’m not sure if yours were the same—but you don’t want your kids to fall behind. You want them to stay busy, you don’t want them lying around getting bored, or watching TV all day, or sleeping till 2:00 PM.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Sleeping until 2:00 PM, right?

Diane Dempster: Or just being on the computer all day, asking you for a million things. But then, the other side is, you don’t want to over-schedule them, because that just leads to everyone being exhausted. So, we all try to find that balance.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: And let’s add to that—since the world of COVID, there’s this ongoing challenge of catching kids up. Even though schools are keeping their expectations where they were, we all know that kids lost a year, and we're still trying to figure out how to help them catch up.

We don’t want to put too much pressure on them, but we do want to keep them engaged and their brains active.

Diane Dempster: And for those of you with teens and young adults, we’re not forgetting you. Many of these kids are home from college or in that phase of figuring out what to do in the fall. Everyone needs downtime. I think that's the key here—there's an older blog we wrote a while ago, Elaine, about enjoying and relaxing into the summer. And I think that’s really important.

The punchline from one mom we spoke with recently was, "I want to have fun this summer. I don’t want to be over-scheduled and running around doing everything."

So, we spent our session talking about how to balance it—how much scheduling is necessary versus just allowing for downtime, and how to create a flexible structure. We talk about this a lot, right? That balance of sanity and structure.

So, as we go into this conversation, do we want to inspire people or just commiserate with them? Hopefully, it’s a bit of both.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: So, let’s set the framework. Here’s what we’re saying: we all know we need downtime, and we all want it. As parents, though, we often struggle with downtime because it feels like we should be doing something productive.

I’ll share a story on myself. I’ll never forget walking into the family room and seeing my three kids sitting on the couch, watching a show. I remember walking in, looking around, and searching for something for them to do—as if it wasn’t okay for them to be sitting there, laughing together, and watching TV.

The truth is, that was really my issue, not theirs. But I was so caught up in the mindset of needing to be productive that I was losing sight of the fact that they were together, enjoying each other's company, laughing, and playing. In hindsight, that was probably more important than whatever I was about to ask them to do.

So, there’s something here about the dance—not just the balance—between doing and being. We talk a lot about the dance between doing and being from a parenting perspective, but it’s also about that dance in life: making sure we get things done while also allowing space for relaxation and leisure—not just for ourselves but for our kids too.

Diane Dempster: And I think that’s the key. There are so many directions I want to go with this. One is about focusing on what you want, not what you don’t want. What I want to start with, based on what you just said, is—what’s going on for you around this, right?

Before you even look at what’s going on with your kids, take a look at what’s going on with you. So many of us, especially if we’re working part-time from home or trying to get things done at home, face this challenge. I distinctly remember the first couple of years I was working from home while my kids were home for the summer—it was tough.

I had to go to work every morning, and they didn’t. It was hard to watch them being leisurely when I had work to do. I couldn’t find a way to take vacation time and be with them the way I would have liked. I chose not to, but looking back, I can now recognize that it was hard for me to see them relaxing when I didn’t have the ability to do that myself.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yes, it is! There's a part of us that’s almost jealous of their space, right? But here's something else that came to mind as I heard you say that. When we were kids, there was a lot more downtime.

We've entered a world where we expect structured activities all the time, and our kids expect that too. But when you look at the research and the science, what they actually need more of than they're getting is unstructured activity.

The problem is that these devices have redirected that unstructured time, so now they often spend it on a device instead of playing outside with friends or coming up with a fun game.

Diane Dempster: That takes me back to the idea of flexible structure. There’s a whole conversation to be had about technology and how to manage that, but that’s something you'll all have to figure out for your kids. One thing I used to do with my kids in the summertime was set a goal for them—something to do, but not in a rigid way.

So, for example, every day, they had to do something creative, something kind, something that involved connecting with another person, and something physical, like getting some exercise. I can’t quite remember the fifth one… did I say “helpful” already?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: You said “kind.”

Diane Dempster: Right, helpful. So they had this list of general activities they needed to do, but there was flexibility in how they accomplished them. They could cook dinner, learn a new song on the piano, or go for a run.

There was no rigid structure, and I didn’t say they had to spend 30 minutes on each thing. If they only spent five minutes doing something, that was fine. It opened up a great conversation: “You only spent five minutes exercising today. How did that feel? Do you want to try more tomorrow, or is that the right amount for you?”

It became a collaborative conversation about what they were learning, rather than just a strict checklist of tasks they had to complete.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Well, not just what they're learning, but let’s take a step back to the step before that, because you're absolutely right. The step before that is what you’re talking about. What you did was help them become intentional about how they were spending their time.

Diane Dempster: Oh, wait, I just remembered what the fifth one was. It was something educational. Yes, they had to try to learn something new every day.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: But all of those things—it’s a brilliant structure, right? It’s a flexible structure, but also a very clear one. And it's all about guiding them to be intentional with their time, to be aware of how they’re spending it, and how they want to spend it because this is their time.

Diane Dempster: Exactly. And this is where the long-term parenting comes in, right? Yes, we want to get through the summer. Yes, we want to avoid squabbles. Yes, we want our kids to have balance in their daily lives.

But ultimately, what you're teaching your kids is what to do with their time when they have downtime. True story: Diane is home alone for two weeks, and I’m thinking, “Hmm, what do I want to do with my time?” I don’t have any other personal obligations, and I find myself struggling with that.

I tend to focus on “What do you want to do?” rather than “What do I want to do?” So part of this is teaching our kids the life skills you just described—how to manage unstructured time. Do they like it? What do they want to do with it?

Instead of automatically reaching for the computer or defaulting to something they feel they have to do. It's a life skill, I think.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Well, it’s a huge life skill, and I’ll tell you, part of it, I think, is my ADD, and part of it is my helper characteristics. I’m an Enneagram Type 2, the helper, and figuring out what I want is probably one of the hardest things for me to do in my life.

It’s really hard. And this goes all the way back—I remember the first time someone took my first child, when they were an infant, and said, "Here, go take the afternoon for yourself." I remember walking around crying because I didn’t know what to do.

So what’s becoming clear here, back to your client, is that if we want to reduce summer stress for ourselves as parents, maybe the first step is to figure out what we want for ourselves this summer. That way, we can make sure to blend that in and create space for it.

I remember one summer, I really wanted to clean out my basement—that was my thing. The kids wanted to go to the pool or whatever. But I had to find a way to make it work. So, the first step is setting the intention for what we want for ourselves. Maybe we need to put the oxygen mask on first.

Diane Dempster: Oh, wow.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: I know, surprising concept. And then, here’s the radical idea for a lot of us: we let other things unfold around that. We start with us, instead of trying to fit ourselves in at the end.

Diane Dempster: That may be hard for a lot of us. The exercise I ended up doing with this client was to imagine that it’s August 1st, and their family happened to start school around then, at the very beginning of August. I asked, "How do you want to tell me about your summer in our first session in August? What do you want it to have been like?"

I had them visualize the future. They said, “I want to have had a great time reconnecting as a family. I want to feel like my kids kept up with school, but weren’t stressed out by it. I want to make sure my kids had fun things to do, and I want some time for myself.”

It was about creating that "container"—that idea of what you want your summer to be. Ask about yourself first, not just your kids, to make sure you leave room for your own needs. Then let everything else fall into place. I love what you said earlier—it’s about making sure the big rocks are in place first.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right.

Diane Dempster: And having a dream doesn’t necessarily mean it’s something that can actually happen. These kids are still struggling with executive function, so they might need your help, or they might need to regroup or get redirected.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Exactly. And as I’m thinking about it, you can start with some dreaming—asking, “What do you want for the summer?”—and then leave it open and come back to it later. You don’t have to land everything in a single conversation. It might take the first few days or even a week to say, "What’s important for us this summer? What’s important to you, to me, and to us as a family?" Give yourselves time to be in the process because they might change their minds a little, and that’s okay.

Let them experience being in the process. We often talk about being in the process of problem-solving. Well, problem-solving is really planning. So this is about being in the process of creating what they do want, rather than solving a problem, which is a great opportunity.

There’s more motivation in that. That’s why I loved traveling with my kids when they were younger—especially when we’d arrive at a new place and look around to say, “Okay, what’s happening here?” They were part of figuring out what we would actually do, and they were motivated by that. The same can be true for summer.

Diane Dempster: And another reminder is that they may want to do things differently than we would.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right.

Diane Dempster: They might want to, for example, not do any summer work until two days before school starts again, and we might want them to approach it differently. That’s going to be a challenge because a lot of these kids have that “now, not now” mentality.

They don’t want to be in school mode until they absolutely have to be. So again, it comes down to holding things loosely and helping them be as successful as they want to be.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: And I want to take a stand for making sure they have at least some time during the summer that’s completely off school.

Diane Dempster: Yeah.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: They need that time where they can turn off their brains from all the school-related stuff. They need time to think about what they want, what they care about, who they want to play with, and what interests them—without always having to meet adults’ expectations about their learning.

Diane Dempster: Well, and you deserve that break too.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right?

Diane Dempster: No question. Okay, so…

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Let’s wrap it up here. What do we have?

Diane Dempster: Whether you're listening to this at the beginning of the summer, the middle, or at any time, we’ve encouraged flexible structure. We’ve discussed thinking about the future, what you want, what your kids want, and collaboration—among other things.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Executive function—building those skills through planning, and how motivation ties into it. But probably more important than all of that is the invitation to slow down enough to put yourself on the list, at the top of the list.

Start by asking yourself what you want, what’s important to you for the summer. Create spaces where you can make that happen, and then let everything else fill in around it. Don’t just grab little moments for yourself while everyone else comes first. Give yourself space to choose a couple of things that are important to you this summer.

Diane Dempster: Oh, maybe that’s their homework for today. As we close off this call, let’s ask them to think about one thing they want to do for themselves this summer, or this weekend, or whatever timeframe they’re focusing on. Something to put themselves back on their own list.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah. And if you don’t know what that is, that’s okay. Maybe it starts with a conversation with a friend or a partner to brainstorm what you do like or want. If it feels like it’s been a long time since you’ve been on your own list, I can really relate to that feeling.

Diane Dempster: Yep.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Maybe it starts with asking, "What would I like? What would feel nourishing for me?" And I think our invitation to you as we wrap up this conversation is to create opportunities for yourself and your family to nourish yourselves.

This can be done by reducing stress, lowering everybody else’s expectations, and really slowing down to figure out what’s important to you, what you want, and then navigating that process with ease and flow.

Diane Dempster: Ease and flow. Thanks, everybody, for what you do for yourselves and your kids. At the end of the day, you make the difference.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Take care, everybody.