Diane Dempster: Hi, everybody, welcome back.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: To another conversation in the Parenting with Impact podcast. We’re thrilled to have you here.

Diane Dempster: Well, we are recording this on January 4.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: On January 4, 2023.

Diane Dempster: 2023, right? And it’s funny because we were talking about what’s on our minds and what we wanted to discuss, and I’m like, totally not a New Year’s resolution person. That’s just not my vibe at all. But I do think one thing I value—and I think a lot of people do—is the opportunity for a fresh start, a do-over, a repeat.

Whatever it is, we tend to embrace that much more easily on January 1st. It’s like, okay, it’s a new year, I’m going to do things differently or try something new.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: I think milestones do that, right?

Diane Dempster: Yeah.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Whether it’s the new year, a new school year, coming back after a break, a birthday—every time there’s a significant milestone, it’s like a point of demarcation. There’s a stopping and a starting of something new. It’s a great opportunity, right?

Diane Dempster: Well, and here’s what I would say, because I have coach friends who say, well, every moment can be a do-over, and there’s something psychological about a refresh. I mean, even when we teach our trigger management class, we talk about the fact that some people need overnight to recover. It’s like, I get up in the morning, and I’m going to reset my brain and have a fresh start.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah.

Diane Dempster: Or my kid’s going to come home from school, and today I’m going to try a fresh start, or whatever it happens to be. What you’re really looking for is opportunities and permission to try something different or to try something new. I don’t know whether it’s trying something new or forgiving the past. There are all these things that happen at once, right?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: What I find myself talking to parents about—especially parents of teenagers and young adults, right? Tweens, teens, and young adults—we get into these patterns where we’re up against each other, and we lock horns, our defenses are high, and we get into this pattern that we sometimes don’t know how to get out of.

There’s a lot of value in being able to use ACE and say, "It looks like we’re both just at each other. We’re both reacting. Can we have a do-over? Can we clean this slate? Can we try again? Can we start fresh?" I’m sorry for what I’ve brought to this. Can we start fresh? Asking for permission to impose a fresh start, even without that milestone.

Diane Dempster: Well, and what’s coming up, as you’re saying that, I have a distinct memory from when I was in my 20s. I had moved to a new city, and I was living with a family that had, I think, a five-year-old boy at the time.

I was in my 20s, with no attachment to parenting. But one of the things that this mom and this little boy did, whenever they’d have a tussle or an argument or something else, they literally did this thing where they wiped the slate clean. So, they’d put their hands together...

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yes.

Diane Dempster: And they’d go like this, right? It’s just, we’re wiping the slate clean. We’re letting each other know that we love each other, even though there was a tussle or whatever it was. It’s just wiping the slate clean. And it’s that reminder.

I think we need this for ourselves. Our kids need this. It’s this idea that underneath it all, there’s still love, there’s still connection, there’s still a desire for relationship, there’s still a desire to do better. Whatever the thing is underneath it for you, it’s that reminder, right?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Well, so here’s what comes up, Diane. I’m thinking about how many times—and I think this happens probably more with younger kids—where you get into some kind of upset, tussle, fight, argument, explosion, meltdown, whatever it is. Then everybody explodes, or we go from aware to alert to alarm, right?

At some point, we hear this from parents all the time, and I know my kids did it all the time. The kids come back and say, "I’m sorry," right? Or sometimes the parent will be the one to come back and say, "I’m sorry, I overreacted, I exploded." But very often, our kids will come back. I remember one of my kids—I have it on my wall up here because I wrote it down because it was so poignant—was about twelve or thirteen, and they said, “I don’t mean to be so dysfunctional.” And it was just like, wow.

In that moment. Sometimes we get the restart with an apology, and if we can bring some consciousness to that—like you’re saying—if we can recognize that’s what’s actually happening in those moments when we’ve recovered, reclaimed, and reset.

Diane Dempster: Well, and that’s not always easy for people, right? I’ve been talking to clients this week about finding a way to be the grown-up, right? It’s just that when we get triggered, when we get upset, there’s a part of us that’s like, I don’t want to go to my kid and say, "I’m sorry.

They totally screwed up. They did this, they did that." So that part of us takes over. It locks in, and it’s like, well, okay, yeah, you can do that. The reality is, if you lock horns, your kids are gonna lock horns, and then you’re both in a lock, right?

If you can let go and say, wow, I own part of this, and give them permission or accept it when they say it… I think that’s like—like you were saying—when the kid comes to you and says, "I’m sorry," there’s part of us that goes, well, you should be, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right?

So it’s that sort of thing you’re describing, those are the kinds of things we need for a reset and recognizing even the need for a reset and the value of that.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: What you just said is really cool. So, what do we need for a reset? Right? Like, what is it? Because, to some extent, there has to be somebody taking responsibility on some level. "I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have," whether it’s us, the kids, or both.

Diane Dempster: Yeah.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: I think that’s really key. It’s hard to have a clean slate if nobody’s taken any responsibility. If everybody’s fine.

Diane Dempster: I would say the word "responsibility" kind of has some judgment in it. It’s like, "Oh, I screwed up," that sort of thing. And I would say "ownership" instead.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Ownership is fine.

Diane Dempster: Rather than that, it just slightly tweaks it so we aren’t feeling the shame of screwing up, because then all of our shame stuff shows up, right? But ownership of initiating the reset, ownership that a reset is needed, that’s part of it. Recognizing that even is part of it, too.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: There’s an awareness that we’re not getting anywhere. We need to pause this, right?

Diane Dempster: Yeah.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: And then there’s some ownership around each of us bringing something to the dynamic. I guess there’s the ask, the invitation, or the permission to start over.

Diane Dempster: Yeah. We’re talking about this in the context of resetting with our kids. Yes, our kids need a reset with us, and we need a reset with our kids. What I also see is us giving ourselves permission, right?

It’s that sort of thing where we need to reset ourselves. We end up in the shame cycle and the guilt cycle, locking horns with the idea that it’s got to be a certain way. It’s just some sense of stuckness—whatever the stuckness is—and it’s like, okay, wait, I’m stuck. I need a reset.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah. This is a strange... let’s see where this goes. But what’s coming up, if I’m hearing you right, is... I grew up in a house where everything was always in its place. Everything was pristine, and everything had to be put away.

That was the expectation. There was no clutter, and it wasn’t tolerated. I haven’t been able to execute that in my own family. And when I first started parenting, that was my expectation, because that’s what I thought it was supposed to be. Then I was gifted with this fabulous ADHD-plus family of five, and that was not an expectation that was fair or reasonable for the family that I had.

I had to give myself permission to reset my expectations in order to... would you call it lowering the bar? Some people in my family would, but I would say it was about choosing what was important, prioritizing, and giving myself permission to focus on what was important—relationships and trust—and not always being worried about whether the kitchen counter was cleared.

Diane Dempster: Well, and it goes back to that stuck, right? What you just described is a value conflict. You have this value of order and beauty and whatever it was that came from your family, and then you’ve got this value of letting your family be who they are—letting them be as chaotic or raucous or whatever they are—and you’re stuck.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: I mean, you’re seeing a relationship.

Diane Dempster: Yeah.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right.

Diane Dempster: And you’re stuck there, right? So how do I resolve that value conflict? Well, it’s like, okay, pause, wait, acknowledge—wait, I’m stuck. There’s a conflict here. How do I reset?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: And it’s interesting because when we got there without judgment, we were able to come up with a solution that worked for everybody. It wasn’t perfect for anybody, but it was better for everybody because I stopped blaming them for leaving stuff everywhere and started saying, "Hey, when this happens, it’s really hard for me."

Then I get agitated and triggered, and I don’t want to be like that. If we can—some of you have heard me talk about this in the past—remember the ten-second tidy on the comfy couch?

Diane Dempster: Yeah.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: We kind of took that to a ten-minute tidy, and we’d turn on music and everybody would be like, okay, everybody, go. Just put stuff away. I don’t care what you’re doing or where, just put stuff away. Just put stuff away.

Diane Dempster: Put stuff away.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: And that was a way for everybody to support me by reducing the clutter and for me to allow that there was going to be clutter. And it kind of worked for everybody. I know that’s a strange example, but it’s really concrete, so maybe it’s helpful in some way.

Diane Dempster: Well, and I think what you’re describing—I’m gonna try to take it back to the reset—is this sort of acknowledgment that change is needed.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah.

Diane Dempster: I want something different to happen. I think that’s the acknowledgment. That’s the reset button: I want something different to happen.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Well, I’ve talked about this a lot, really, with young adult parents, but again, it’s applicable to all. It’s that shift from, “No, not that. I want that to stop happening,” to, “I want something different. Yes, I want to create that.”

And when we move toward something, instead of moving away from something, that’s got more energy—desperation energy.

Diane Dempster: Well, and as you were talking about the way you approach the problem with your family, I was thinking about how often—I don’t know if we’ve talked about this in another podcast—but it’s like the problem sits between us.

I’m here, you’re here, and there’s a problem, right? Versus if we can both turn and face and say, “Okay, wait, there’s a problem here. How do you see it? How do I see it? How can we work together to solve it?” That feels very different, energetically.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: So, we’ve talked about relationship systems coaching, right?

Diane Dempster: Yeah.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: One of the first things they teach you in that is that if you’re here and you’re here, the relationship is out there. I really remember the teacher taking the notebook and throwing it on the floor in front of them and saying, "That’s the challenge, that’s the problem, that’s the conflict.

Whatever it is, it’s not either of you." And if you can see it as separate from you, then you can team up with each other to address that problem instead of seeing it as a block between you.

Diane Dempster: So, what we’re really talking about is two different parts of this. We’re ultimately talking about collaborative problem solving.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Shocker. That’s what we come back to.

Diane Dempster: That’s what we keep coming back to. We always come back to that thing, right? But it’s just sort of the reset. Because typically when we need a reset, it’s because there’s a conflict—whether there’s a conflict between the two of us, a conflict within you, there’s some sort of conflict going on. And it’s like the sort of, wait, stop. And what we’re just describing is a tool.

It’s tools to address that. When you need a restart, when there is a conflict, which is, how do we look at this together and not as you being the problem versus me being the problem?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right. If we go back—so the notion is there’s a value to a reset or a clean slate. We know this because we all try to do it on New Year’s.

Diane Dempster: Right.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: And what we’re really inviting you to consider is that you can do it at any time. It can become a constant source, an opportunity in life. Instead of something you have to wait for a milestone to happen, you can actually create it.

Diane Dempster: Well, anything again, then to take it a step further, which is to recognize the need, which typically happens when we’re stuck. We’re stuck in our opinion, we’re stuck in a conflict, we’re stuck somewhere, and we go, “Okay, wait, time for a reset.”

And maybe it’s about getting some space, maybe it’s about getting some buy-in, maybe it’s about walking away and choosing not to deal with that situation now, but going on to some other area and focusing there and saying, “Whoa, this isn’t the time to tackle this.”

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah. And then once you do get to whatever we want to call it, right? So if there’s recognizing there’s a stuck, recognizing the need for a reset, figuring out when, then we go to where we were talking earlier, which is making sure there’s some ownership, having awareness, invitation, and then we get to design. How do we do it differently? How do we want to do it differently?

Diane Dempster: Well, and there’s an energy to that, right? So, taking us back to the whole reset New Year’s thing, right? How many blogs about why New Year’s resolutions don’t work, right? I’ve got all this energy. I’ve got to make this work. I’m gonna do this. It’s the New Year, and it’s like this sort of bruising energy to make stuff happen. And how much does that happen when we’re trying to solve problems in our family?

It’s like this sort of, I’ve got to fix this, and I’ve got to fix it now. Well, that’s that urgent, alert brain going, this has to be fixed. This has to be changed. But if we can let go enough to go, okay, wait a second. If I don’t have to solve this right this hot minute, what changes? If I can look back and go, okay, wait a second.

If I can give space for the reset, the fresh look, the fresh start, whatever it is, maybe it’ll look differently the next time I look at this. Maybe I need to shift perspectives. Maybe I need to add something?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Now? I’m with you. So, I was trying to take a Diane bent, which is, okay, well, so it’s my turn to play devil’s advocate here about the parent who says, but what about...

Diane Dempster: Yeah.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: But that’s not where my brain went. What I went to was that there’s this... how do I say this? There’s a relationship piece here that we often say, when you don’t know where to focus, lean into relationship, because that’s what builds the trust and the relationship.

Oftentimes when parents start doing this work, what shifts first for them is beginning... they’re not all the way into this place of how do you do a reset and collaborative problem-solving. They’re starting by shifting the dynamic, that energetic shift in the relationship, and allowing some space. And that’s fundamental to all the rest of us.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Well, because in order to solve a problem together, you’ve got to have trust and relationship and communication. I mean, let’s go back to the recording we did of the independence pyramid and that foundation of those three things at the bottom. Right?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right.

Diane Dempster: What we’re really talking about is what it takes— not just the opportunity to restart at any time. And we want to keep saying that or reminding you that you can do this at any minute. It can be...

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Any time.

Diane Dempster: Any time. But it’s also the steps, and it’s about awareness, and it’s about taking action, and it’s about perspective, and it’s about collaboration. If you’re working with someone else on this problem.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: The other thing that comes up is there are times— sometimes we’ll have parents who are, especially in the group, who’ve learned Sanity School. They’re in a group. And I remember this one mom who was saying, "You’re gonna know who I am when you listen to this," who was saying, “I’ve been afraid to start trying.

I’ve been afraid to start using this.” And so the other place that the clean slate, I think, can give you an opportunity is when you don’t like the way you say something, to be able to say, “Stop. Let me say that differently. Stop. Hang on a second.

I don’t like the way that came out. Let me try again.” That may be a precursor to collaborative restarting, but sometimes if we restart ourselves, that sends a lot of messages about ownership and permission and all kinds of things. But really, our kids hear us consciously trying to shift how we’re communicating, and there’s a power in that.

Diane Dempster: Well, and what's coming up for me? Maybe another rabbit hole here early. But as you’re saying that, there’s this stop. Wait, I didn’t like the way that came out. There’s this permission to make mistakes. And it’s like if we need a do-over, we need to say it’s not the last do-over we’re gonna have around this thing. Right?

Most of us are dealing with childhood stuff, whether it’s big T trauma, little t trauma, I mean, habits and patterns and things like that that have been created for us when we were little kids. I mean, you were talking about your family and growing up, and it’s patterns we create in our families, parents we create in our families with our kids. Right?

So, sort of the idea that suddenly we’re gonna do a do-over and everything’s gonna magically change is really pretty optimistic.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Maybe magical thinking.

Diane Dempster: Right. And so it’s this sort of expecting to need a do-over versus, “I got to have a do-over.” Right? And so it’s this sort of, okay, wait, right?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Experimenter’s mind.

Diane Dempster: Yeah, exactly.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right. It’s like we’re trying things out. Sometimes it’s gonna work. Sometimes you’re gonna try to say something, and you’re gonna go, hang on, let me say that differently. I used to do it to my kids all the time when they would say something. Do you have a different way to say that? Or do you have a way to say that?

Diane Dempster: Wasn't there a line like Willy Wonka or something? Stop. Reverse change. That I don’t remember exactly that. And I guess that’s the piece of it, that this is a process. Right? And if you look at it from a process perspective, it’s not necessarily it’s a do-over. It’s what’s the next step?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah, this is gonna be, I think, our theme for 2023. It’s gonna be about next. I have the feeling, I’m feeling the word next coming.

Diane Dempster: Okay, you're wondering about it? The word next is.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Well, because it’s like next is less overwhelming than, “I’ve got to do all this. I’ve got to change the relationship, I’ve got to fix.” Next is just, okay, what’s the next step? What are we gonna try?

Diane Dempster: Yeah. And as you say, there’s a concept in the 12th step, which is do the next right thing.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Do the next right thing. Yeah. And a clean slate, do-over, whatever you want to call it, is a great way to give ourselves the space to do the next right thing. So, a good place to stop.

Diane Dempster: So, Happy New Year. All of you who are listening to this.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Whenever you’re listening.

Diane Dempster: When you’re listening to it. Happy do-over. Happy reset. Happy next steps.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah. Take care, everybody. We’ll see you soon.