Shifting Expectations for Complex Kids, Without Giving Up on Them If you’ve ever said “they should be able to do this by now” and immediately felt the whole situation unravel, this episode is for you.

Parenting with Impact hosts Elaine Taylor-Klaus and Diane Dempster are back with the third cornerstone of the Sanity School® for Parents model: shifting expectations. And before you assume that means lowering the bar — it doesn’t. Not even close.

What does “shifting expectations” actually mean for parents of neurodiverse kids?

Shifting expectations means adjusting the bar, not removing it. It’s about meeting your child where their brain is — developmentally, neurologically, emotionally — so that they can experience real wins, build real confidence, and keep moving forward. The goal isn’t to stop expecting things from your kid. It’s to stop expecting things that their brain isn’t ready for yet.

Elaine and Diane break down why this matters so much for kids with ADHD and executive function challenges: research shows these kids can be up to 30% behind their peers in certain areas of executive function development. In practical terms? A seventh-grader might be doing ninth-grade spelling, but forgetting to turn in their homework every day. They can argue circles around you, but struggle to stay on task. That disconnect is real, and it’s due to brain wiring.

When you’re parenting a twice-exceptional kid, the math can be even more striking. For younger kids, the gap is often 3–5 years. For young adults, it can stretch to 8–10 years. A 26-year-old with executive function challenges might be functioning more like an 18-year-old in certain domains, and that context changes everything about how you set expectations.

Why does the gap between expectation and reality trigger your kid (and you)?

According to Diane, every trigger starts in the gap between expectation and reality. If you’re consistently expecting things your child’s brain isn’t equipped to deliver, you’re setting the stage for conflict. Not because your kid is defiant, but because the gap is simply too wide. Reducing that gap to a bridgeable distance is how you start setting your kid up for success.

What’s the difference between shifting and lowering expectations?

This is where parents often get stuck. Elaine describes two ditches: expecting too much (dragging your kid up the stairs to where a kid their age “should” be) and expecting too little (giving up so completely that your kid stops believing in themselves too). Shifting expectations means finding the step they can actually climb to, and building from there.

As Diane says, instead of standing at the top of the stairs calling your seventh-grader up, you walk down, figure out what they can do independently, and build from that landing.

How to focus on process instead of outcome with complex kids

One of the most actionable shifts in this episode is the move from outcome-focused expectations to process-focused expectations. Did they study for the test, or did they figure out how to study? Did they remember their keys, or did they create a system for knowing where the keys live? Holding kids with neurodivergence accountable to their efforts and processes, rather than just the results, builds the self-management skills that can actually carry them into adulthood.

The end goal, Elaine and Diane agree, is raising kids who understand their own brains — what’s easy, what’s hard, and when to ask for help — so they can grow into thriving, successful adults.

What about kids in low-demand environments?

If you’re in a season where low demand is the right call for your family, this episode allows for that too. A low-demand environment isn’t giving up, it’s still a foundation that allows you to start from where your kid actually is, right now.

If this conversation resonates, Sanity School® for Parents is where Elaine and Diane teach these tools in depth. Find the link in the show notes.

What to expect in this episode:

• The 30% rule explained: Kids with executive function challenges are often 30% behind peers developmentally, which translates to 3–5 years for younger kids and 8–10 years for young adults.
• Shifting vs. lowering—they’re not the same thing: Understand the difference between abandoning your expectations and moving them to where your kid can actually reach them, then growing from there.
• Every trigger starts with a gap: The space between what you expect and what your kid delivers is the root cause of most conflicts at home.
• Process over outcome: Holding neurodiverse kids accountable to how they approach tasks (rather than just whether they finish them) is what really builds long-term capability and self-worth.
• The collaborative piece: Setting expectations isn’t something you do to your kid, it’s something you do with them, and buy-in from your child is what makes the whole thing stick.

Shifting Expectations for Complex Kids: How to Meet Them Where They Are

Related Links:

• Accommodations vs. Remediation – What’s the Parent’s Role?
• The Power of Good Enough: Progress Over Perfection
• Asking For Help: Why Is It So Difficult?
• How to Stop Fixing So You Can Start Helping

Our Discussion

Elaine:

Unwanted behaviors. You know, sometimes raising complex kids is not what we expected. Our kids can be rude, moody, snarky, unmotivated, even downright disrespectful. And we don’t wanna be pushovers, but we also don’t wanna escalate things when it’s already a hot mess. In this episode, we’re gonna talk about that.  Welcome back, everybody, to another conversation in the Parenting with Impact podcast. Today we are gonna talk about some of the content area for the third cornerstone of our model, the third cornerstone in this, the Sanity School program that we teach. We’re gonna talk about shifting expectations, and I want you to hear that word.  Not lowering them, right? Shifting expectations to meet the kids we’ve got, not the kids we thought we were gonna have.  Hi, Diane.  How do you wanna get us started?

Diane: 

I think, you know, one of the things we talked about, we, in the last episode we talked about positivity, and how so many parenting models really do start with positivity

And I think that one of the things that’s different for us, number one, the activate the brain thing I think it is so  different, and that’s what we talked about in the first episode. And the shifting expectations piece is such an important part of the model for a couple reasons. One is, like, and, and we’re gonna talk about this today, in order to do something different you have to think about it differently, you have to look at it differently.  There needs to be a shift in perspective. So shifting expectations is also about shifting perspectives. So in order to do anything differently or to invoke change or make anything new happen, sometimes we have to shift our perspective or look at our perspective differently, and it’s a core and classic coaching tool to do that.  The other thing is that we wanna set realistic expectations for these kids, because their brains are wired differently. They’re developmentally at a different place developmentally than some of their peers. And so those are the two things that I feel like I really wanna talk about in this context today, Elaine.  Does that set the stage? 

Elaine: 

Yeah I mean, I think what, in that first part, what you started to say, what differentiates Impact’s model and our approach. So the kind of secret to what we do, folks, is that we’re actually teaching neuro-informed coaching skills to parents and professionals.

We’re not training people to become coaches, but we’re teaching fundamental coaching skills, because what we’ve learned is when we became coaches we became much better parents, and it wasn’t rocket science and it was something we could teach. So when people start taking a more coach-like approach, they change to an approach that’s more empowerment based, more strength based.  We talked about that in the last episode. 

Diane: 

Relationship First.

Elaine: 

Relationship based. We talked about that last time. Right? It’s really about helping somebody else achieve their greatest potential, which is why it’s such a great vehicle for parents of complex kids because, What we are trying to do more than anything is help our kids see their capacity and reach their potential.  And what we’ve learned is that to do that, we have to shift our expectations and we call it meet them where they are, right? Instead of holding the bar really high and saying, “Hit this bar,” we need to meet the bar, move the bar closer to where they are and help them meet that bar, and then meet the next, and then the next.  So it’s not that we’re lowering the expectations. Their capacity is amazing, but we have to help them get there somewhat differently when they’ve got complex issues going on, right? And that’s really what we have learned how to do that using coaching tools in a way that’s really quite profound, right?

Diane: 

Well, and the other piece of this is that when we’re constantly up here setting the bar, like at, like way up here, and they’re down here, there’s this enormous gap that is created, and we’re talking about inactivating the brain. Our model of the anatomy of a trigger and every trigger starts in the gap between expectation and reality.  So if we’re not conscious about how we set our expectations… it’s a setup for an upset, whether it’s you’re upset or your kid’s upset, or an overwhelm or whatever it is. And it’s that reminder that, okay, part of this is how do I look at it differently? Part of it is being realistic, and part of it is setting us up for not having a major conflict.

Elaine: 

Well and I wanna play with words a little bit, right? So we talked about realistic expectations. We’ve talked about appropriate expectations.  A lot of times we get caught in that trap of, “Well, my kid is 10, they should be able to … my kid is 15, they should be able to,” so we’re going on developmental expectations that may or may not be appropriate for our kids, and I’m gonna pin that, ’cause I think we wanna come back to that.

Elaine: 

So go with me for a second, because what I really wanna talk about here in coaching, there’s this energy around possibility, and anything’s possible, and opening up the world to anything that’s possible, and there’s some beauty in that, right? I love that part. And  I remember when I was going through coach training, I remember thinking there’s a yes, and to that.  Because when… It’s really important when we’re raising complex kids to make sure that we’re, we’re setting goals and expectations that are within the realm of reach, and possible, and realistic, because our kids need success, and they need to breed on, success breeds more success. And so we really, for our kids, oftentimes we need to give them some wins so that they can feel competent, and capable, and willing to try a little harder, and push a little bit farther, and reach a little higher, right?

Diane: 

Yeah. And well, and the other side of that that I hear, though, is, you know, but the world isn’t that generous and, you know, that schools have expectations, and the world has expectations, and nobody’s gonna accommodate them when they’re 43 years old, and all of this stuff. And what you’re saying is so important is, number one, it gives us motivation to even do anything if the expectations are realistic.  And number two, if we’re meeting them where they are, we’re still trying to help them grow. We’re just not doing it in a way that we’re kind of like I love the stairstep analogy. So instead of saying, “I’m gonna stand up at the top of the stairs and say, ‘Come on, you’re in seventh grade, you should be able to do this,'” and I’m trying to drag them up to everything that a seventh grader can do, it’s gonna come out a lot differently, both in terms of a relationship perspective, and then also from their self worth, and all these other pieces.  But if I go down and figure out, okay, what can they do independently, what’s a little more independent, and then a little bit more independent, and a little bit more independent, that’s where we’re really setting them up well with successes and with that realistic expectation. 

Elaine: 

And it’s a double-edged sword, because oftentimes I see parents who come into our community at the beginning, right?  Who think that they’re doing this, they think that they’re setting appropriate expectations, but they’ve really just lowered expectations so far that they don’t believe in their kid, and the kids stop believing in themselves. And they’re not doing it on purpose. They’re really trying to do it to set appropriate expectations.  They just don’t know what to do, and… ’cause we’re in this uncharted territory with these complex kids. So we really need to understand what are and are not realistic and appropriate expectations, and then we need to learn, you know, last, in the last module we talked about the communication techniques to collaborate with our kids so that we’re setting expectations where they’re kind of beginning to get bought in and see it and be part of it, because we wanna set them up to want to be successful, to be part of their own success, not just doing it because we said so, right?

Diane: 

Well, and there are places where a low-demand environment is an important tool to experiment with, and so I don’t wanna discount that. And what I do wanna stand for is that even if you’re in a situation where low demand is an important part of what you’re working on with your kiddo, it doesn’t mean you’re not working on stuff.

Elaine: 

Right. I mean, and I think that’s the key, is that if you’re in a point where you’re… I love that term, low-demand environment. And, parents will come in, especially with teenagers and young adults, and say, “I expect nothing anymore, and now what do I do?” Well, then at least you’re at a foundation where you can start building on it, right?  It’s like, okay, let’s look at one expectation that everybody can agree on, might be a reasonable place to start. Let’s now, once that’s under the belt, then we look at the next. And so it doesn’t mean that we’re enabling them, and we’re never expecting anything from them. That’s not what shifting expectations is about.  It means that we’re working with them to help them see their capacity and begin to work towards it. And if they aren’t, there’s a reason, and so we need to understand that, because what’s causing their performance or lack of performance, depending on what’s leading to it, we’re gonna problem solve differently.  Right? If my kid is shutting down because they don’t believe they can, I’m gonna problem solve differently than if my kid’s got this executive function obstacle that really has never been remediated. Right? Those are very different issues, right? 

Diane: 

Is this a good place to take a break? 

Elaine: 

Sure.

Elaine: 

Welcome back everybody. We are talking about shifting expectations, and it’s such a nuanced framework, right? We don’t wanna be dragging our kids kicking and screaming to their own success. We wanna invite them and guide them and encourage them and empower them to reach for their own success. And one of the ways we do that is by helping and working with them to set expectations that make sense for them.  And I don’t really care what’s happening to the kid down the street or the other kid in the class, setting expectations that make sense for them to continuously be growing and learning because they’re kids and their brains are continuously growing and learning, right? 

Diane: 

Well, the thing I don’t know that we’ve said explicitly that’s important, because all of you who are listening, or most of you who are listening have either worked with complex kids or you’re parents of complex kids.  And if we’re talking about kids with executive function challenges, I think we mentioned this in the Activate the Brain episode we did a few weeks ago. The research shows that these kids are 30% behind their peers in terms of some areas of executive function development, 

Elaine: 

But not all. 

Diane: 

Not all.  Which means that they might be let’s take a seventh grader. Like, they may be doing ninth or 10th grade spelling, but they’re forgetting to turn in their homework every day, right?  It’s that smart doesn’t mean organized,and the disconnect between the two different pieces.  And so if we start- 

Elaine: 

And wait. Yeah Before you… my favorite example is the kid who can talk circles around you in an argument.  But then I can’t figure out how to know what their homework assignment is. That kind of disconnect is kids who are really often really advanced in some areas and delayed in others.  And that disconnect is really frustrating. 

Diane: 

Well, and it makes it hard to figure out, what expectations do I set, right? And, and the other piece that makes it hard to set expectations is that sometimes you have multiple kids in a situation, and, and whether it’s in your classroom or whether it’s in your home.  I was on the phone with a mom the other day, and she’s struggling with her nine-year-old, and she has a four-year-old. And the four-year-old is actually getting better at some of the things than the nine-year-old is, and so it creates this disconnect there. And it’s like, well, how do I expect this from this one but I can’t, I don’t expect it from that one?  So there’s all this sort of equality and fairness and stuff like that that comes in to play as well. 

Elaine: 

Yeah. So let’s go back to that 30% developmental delay, right?  Because I remember when I first learned that. It was, it was big. 

Diane: 

Yeah. 

Elaine:

Awareness, right? And we call it three to five years.  When your kids are younger, it’s usually about three to five years. As the kids get older, once they’re like young adults, now it could be eight to 10 years. 

Diane: 

We just did the math. I was in, with a group of young adult parents, and we were talking about a 26-year-old. And I was like, “Okay, so what’s 30%?”  And it’s like, “This kid is more like an 18-year-old.”  Oh, yeah. Wow, yep, exactly, right? And Well, 

Elaine:

And Well, my favorite story was when I was telling this, I was explaining this to my godson in my kitchen one day, and he was about 18 at the time, and my eldest child was about 17 at the time in the other room, and I didn’t realize that they were listening.  And a little bit later they came in and they said, “So are you saying I’m not an immature 17-year-old? I’m really just a very mature 12-year-old?” Like, well, yeah, I guess you could see it that way. But it really helped them reframe their own disappointment in themselves and their expectations of themselves because they realized, you know, I gotta go at the pace that I am, and this is where I am.  And I think that’s really, you know, that’s really, we talk about shifting perspectives. Helping parents really understand what it means to meet our kids where they are instead of where we wish they were is a really powerful part of helping them manage themselves. 

Diane: 

Well, and where they are is different in, with different situations and on different days.  I mean, this is part of the challenge as well, is that your kid may be really brilliant at doing X, Y, and Z, but if you try to apply even that same skill over here, it’s completely different. And so it feels that incongruence, again, is part of what makes it really hard. And so that’s why the exercise is, meet them where they are and raise the bar from there.

Elaine: The other thing I wanna talk about in terms of shifting expectations is there’s so much that we cover in this lesson, but one of the things we talk a lot about throughout our programming and our model is prioritizing process versus outcome, right? As parents, we have a tendency to be really focused on the outcome.  You gotta get that paper turned in. You gotta study for that test. You gotta unload the dishwasher when I tell you to. You gotta pack your backpack. Whatever it is, we’re focused on everything that needs to be done, the tasks, right? And it’s not that the tasks are not important, but for kids with neurodivergence it’s how we get to the task that’s more important than the task itself.  It’s helping them see that life is about putting processes in place to set ourselves up for success. That if I don’t come up with a place as an adult to figure out where the keys go, I’m gonna spend five minutes every day looking for the keys, and that’s not… We’ll talk about systems and structures in the next module.  But, but the point there is that I need to stop holding myself accountable to did I remember or not, or did I do it or not, or did I get an A on that test or not, and really start holding our kids accountable to what did I do to figure out how to study for that test? Can I do the same thing, figure out what worked and what didn’t and, and do that again next time?  So really focusing on the process with our kids, and setting expectations that hold them and acknowledge them and hold them accountable for the effort that they’re putting in and instead of just to the outcome. What do you wanna say? 

Diane: 

Well, and then the extrapolation on that is that we’re not just trying to get the stuff done that needs to get done today.  We’re trying to help these kids develop skills so that they can understand their brain, understand what works, what doesn’t, figure out what role motivation plays or executive function delays or whatever it is, so that they can begin to self-manage so that when they’re out there adulting, they’re like, “Oh, wait, this is easy for me.  This is hard for me. I might need help with this.”   Whole other thing. Do we have an episode on asking for help. Let’s make sure we talk about that. 

Elaine: 

We do. Well, we also talk about it in module four.  Right? Okay. That’s one of the topics… ‘Cause there’s, it’s very complicated what makes people ask for help or not ask for help or accept help or…  That’s a whole other conversation. 

Diane: 

But part of this is creating an environment where it is easier for our kids to ask for help and, and teaching that life skill because a lot of us need help in a lot of different areas. 

Elaine: 

Yeah. So, um, anything else? There’s a lot here, and yet I don’t wanna get down into the weeds in it.  I think the, the piece here to really pull out as we wrap this conversation about shifting expectations is to realize that we as parents need to set expectations for the kid we’ve got, not the kid we thought we had, not the kid who lives next door or down the block, or not our niece or our nephew, or not how it was done when we were kids or what we were like.  Like, all of those things are lovely, and they don’t apply to the kid we’ve got, and we are raising kids in a world completely different from the world we were raised in in almost every possible way. 

Diane: 

Yeah. 

Elaine: 

Right? And so we really have to set expectations based on the world we’re in and that’s a whole conversation about technology in particular.  I’ll link to some things on technology, and if you missed our tech summit in the spring, you should definitely get a copy of that ’cause it was amazing. But we really need to parent in the world, parent the kids we’ve got in the world we’re in, right? Does that capture it? 

Diane: 

Well, and that’s part of what it means to set realistic expectations, right?  It’s the story of how many times parents say to me, “I would have never gotten away with that,” or  “I want my kid to have time unplugged from the computer.” You know, it’s like all this stuff that makes sense to us given our background and our development, it doesn’t make sense in the same way in today’s world.  And so part of it is figuring out how do we shift the way we’re behaving or the way we’re engaging to be… Again, what we’re ultimately trying to do is help grow thriving adult humans, and they’re living in a very different space than we were. 

Elaine: 

Yeah for sure. All right, anything else you wanna, you wanna say about shifting expectations before we wrap this particular episode?

Diane: 

Well, I think the thing is that this shifting expectations is an example of shifting perspective. 

Elaine: 

Yeah. 

Diane: 

And that shifting perspective is such an important tool to doing anything differently. Like in order to look at, I have to look at the situation differently in order to look at, in order to do it differently.

Diane: 

And I think in the hook you were talking about the rude behavior and the, all the behaviors that we don’t love. And if we’re trying to help our kids make changes in their behaviors, and I use that language really specifically, we’re trying to help our kids make changes in their behaviors, sometimes we need to be able to look at their behavior differently so that we can go, “Okay, wait a second.  Instead of this is a rude kid, this kid’s having a hard time being respectful. How can I help them?” And part of that is about keeping my cool and not getting all revved up because I’m reacting to whatever the behavior is. But part of it is, like, how do I look at this in a way that’s gonna keep me going and inspiring my kid instead of shutting down?

Elaine: 

Yeah. Totally. And the other thing I’ll add to wrap is the key in our model is that it’s about doing it collaboratively. And everything we do in the Coach approach and the Impact Model is about tools and techniques and concepts and strategies to help you begin to work with your kid so that they begin to learn to set expectations for themselves, because that’s what they’re gonna need to be able to do in order to manage themselves and their lives.  And so there’s a lot of this that’s about doing it with them, and that doesn’t mean you have to start immediately. It’s a process of getting to that point. So what are you taking away from this episode? What’s your insight? What’s your takeaway? What’s your aha or your gem? What’s one idea that you wanna bring forward with you into your life this week?  I will put a link in the show notes to Sanity School. So if this series of episodes has got you thinking this is the kind of stuff you’d like to learn how to do more effectively with your kids, then we’d love to have you join us for Sanity School. It is an amazing training. But and so maybe it’s that or maybe it’s something else.  Maybe I referenced the Tech Summit. Maybe you wanna go tune into the Tech Summit. What are you taking away from this and how do you wanna bring it into your life this week? And if you like what you’re hearing on this podcast, please take a minute to like or follow or subscribe wherever you’re listening.  Please write a review if that’s an option for you. It really helps us reach more people. It really does make a difference. And at the end of the day, thanks for what you’re doing for yourself, for your kids. It makes an extraordinary difference. On the next episode, we’re gonna do the last of the four cornerstones.  We’re gonna talk about systems and structures, and how to create them effectively.  And we hope you’ll join us then. Talk to you soon. 

Diane: 

Thanks, everybody