Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Welcome back, everybody, to another episode of the Parenting with Impact podcast. I’m here today with Jamie Bloom, and we’re going to talk about ADHD. Is that fair to say?

Jamie Bloom: Yes, that’s fair.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: You can read all about Jamie in the show notes, but I’ll let her introduce herself by asking, "Jamie, tell us a little bit about what you do and how you came to be doing what you do in the world."

Jamie Bloom: Yeah. Well, thanks, Elaine, and thanks for having me on the podcast. I’m really excited to be here. What I do and how I ended up here is a bit of a crazy story, but it all happened very organically. I’ve been in the helping profession my entire adult life, starting as a mediator for the Department of Health and Human Services many years ago.

I was also a yoga instructor and led meditation for years, then got into nutrition and wellness, doing that for a while. However, things really shifted when my now adult sons were struggling intensely due to undiagnosed ADHD.

We tried many different approaches, but their struggles were greater than most. After reaching a breaking point, I thought, "This is what I do to help people, how can I help them?" So, I started getting them tested, and that’s when we discovered it was ADHD. It turned out that all three of my children, my husband, and I all had ADHD. It’s quite a party over here!

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: It’s called relatable content, isn’t it?

Jamie Bloom: It’s an ADHD party. I even think my dog has ADHD.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: I’ve got one with ADHD and one with anxiety.

Jamie Bloom: Perfect.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: We call it an "ADHD plus-plus" family. It used to be a family of five, now it’s a family of six. So, I’m right there with you.

Jamie Bloom: Awesome! So, you get it. Anyway, I started learning everything there is to know about ADHD, and it just became my passion to support others on the same journey.

To that end, I went back to school, got trained in ADHD coaching, and now I teach at the ADD Coach Academy, where I was originally trained. I also started my own coaching business, and now we have three coaches here with us supporting adults, couples, and families, all with ADHD.

I’m also on the chair of the ADA, supporting their education committee, to help continue this process. So, I’m really active in the community, doing all sorts of things to help people understand that there is support out there and how they can find it in various ways.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah, I totally get it. There is support out there, and whether you’re an adult managing your own ADHD, or a parent managing kids with ADHD—or even if you don’t have ADHD yourself—it doesn’t really matter what your involvement is with ADHD. Everyone impacted by it needs some help and support, right?

Jamie Bloom: And the big thing about that, Elaine, which I don’t think people realize, is that I get a lot of calls saying, "Can you fix my kid? Can you help my kid?"

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right.

Jamie Bloom: And, first, we don’t fix people. But also, it’s really about supporting the whole family, even if there are neurotypical siblings who need support because they’re impacted too.

The dynamics that develop because of the differences aren’t just due to the person with ADHD, but also because of the differences within the family unit. Everyone is impacted in their own ways, and they all need support in their own ways.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right. And what’s so fascinating about this diagnosis, in particular, is that you can have a family of five, all with the same diagnosis, and it can look so different for each member of the family.

So, it’s not just, "What is ADHD?" but "What is your particular manifestation or version of it?" and "How is it different from everyone else’s?" Then the question becomes: how do we support and accommodate each other? It’s fascinating, isn’t it?

Jamie Bloom: Absolutely! And that situational variability is huge, right? And again, this is what you’re saying—one of the issues we face when working with parents is that even if the parent has ADHD, their version of it could look really different from their child’s.

So, they’re still thinking, "Why isn’t Johnny doing X, Y, and Z or able to do X, Y, and Z?" I can, and I have ADHD too, but it might manifest really differently. And, Elaine, with your family of fun over there, ADHD is really a challenge of interest. The lower the interest, the more you’re going to see those ADHD symptoms, and the more scaffolding and support we’ll need for that child or adult.

I don’t think people really understand that concept and how important it is to know when and how to support, and when and how to back off.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right. So, the example that’s coming to mind as I’m hearing you is actually not related to parenting, but rather to adults. I have a colleague who’s a coach in the mainstream coaching world, a high-end executive coach.

She was really struggling with onboarding a client, and she was saying, "Well, she’s just not motivated, and she’s just... her own worst enemy. She’s afraid of success," all these things. As I’m listening, I’m thinking, "Well, it’s also possible there could be some undiagnosed neurological issues." Her response was, "Well, she doesn’t have ADHD.

She can activate it." I said, "Okay, well, that’s one aspect of it." But we do tend to make these assumptions about what it is or isn’t based on the lens we have, right?

Jamie Bloom: Absolutely. And, "She could do this. She could do that." Well, how come they can concentrate on history but can’t concentrate on math? They don’t have ADHD—clearly it’s a problem of motivation, right? What I like to say to parents is, if we can help you understand your child’s or your own ADHD brain—and again, your own—it increases clarity.

And with that clarity can come a decrease in fear and anxiety. Because if we really talk to parents, as you do, I know every day, there’s so much anxiety around parenting. "Will my kid be successful? Will they be independent?"

I think if we can decrease some of that fear and anxiety, we can start increasing the compassion that comes to the table. And what happens then? We increase the curiosity lens as opposed to the anxious lens. Then, we can start being more creative and playful in our solutions instead of being so strictly focused on anxiety and fear.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Well, I couldn’t have said that more beautifully myself. That was beautiful. Right? Like, we decrease the fear and anxiety, which increases the compassion, which then increases our capacity for authentic curiosity.

What came up for me as I heard you say that was the challenge in the ADHD community, which I think is that tendency to go for a solution, go for the fix, go for the system, go for the structure.

What I hear you saying is, let’s slow down and understand it before we start trying to fix it, solve it, address it, manage it—whatever term you want to use. Right? But there’s something that happens before that, something super important, that often gets missed.

Jamie Bloom: Absolutely. And if we miss that piece, what we’re doing is just applying a quick fix, like a band-aid. But in that band-aid fix, nothing actually changes. It’s like this: we come to a situation with the same thought about it, the same emotion about it, and probably the same belief about it, right? So our actions are exactly the same, but we’re expecting things to be different. And nothing changes because it’s the same thought, the same emotions, the same belief.

Our reality stays exactly the same. So, we really have to start shifting what we’re thinking and feeling—and those beliefs, the ones that the most well-intentioned parents can have about what life should be or could be. Once we can hold a mirror to those beliefs, and they can start seeing and potentially changing them, that’s where the real change occurs—for themselves and for their families.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah. Well, and so often, what I’ve noticed—we run a number of groups for parents of different ages: parents of younger kids, parents of teens, and parents of young adults—part of what you see happening in these groups are those "aha" moments. When a parent shifts from, "I thought I got it," to, "I really have been sending these judgy messages that I didn’t mean to send." But it takes us a little bit of time as parents to get our heads around this, right?

Jamie Blume: Well, it's even in the comments. I had a client this morning who said to me, "Oh my gosh," kind of like an "aha" moment. She realized, "I've been constantly telling Bobby (fake name), stop being so rough with the dog, stop playing with the dog."

And then I remembered this quote: "There are something like 20,000 negative comments a child hears by the time they're twelve." I think about that often.

What parents don’t realize is how much shame they unintentionally build into their children. They hear it from school, from parents, from peers. By the time we see them as teenagers, young adults, or even as adults, they carry so much shame, which is very hard to heal on their own.

To heal that shame, you really need to be co-regulated with another person. So, if we can reduce that shame early on, there’s less to unwind and undo later.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah, absolutely. Let's take a quick break, and when we come back, we’ll continue this conversation.

Jamie Blume: Okay.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Welcome back, everyone. My guest is Jamie Blume. I love what you were just saying about co-regulating around shame. So, let’s dive into the issue of shame and ADHD a bit more, because I don’t think we talk about it enough, and it’s so foundational to rejection sensitivity.

It’s key to defensiveness, offensiveness, and oppositional behaviors—the underlying shame that so many children and adults with ADHD experience after years of feeling wrong and not wanting to be wrong anymore, right?

Jamie Blume: Yes, exactly. It's like, “I’m too much” or “I’m too little.”

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: "I’m not enough."

Jamie Blume: I'm too... It goes on and on. What I find is that, if you look at the autonomic nervous system and read anything about polyvagal theory, we know that our bodies are constantly scanning the environment, not just to ask, "Am I safe?" but, "Do I feel safe?" And as we're scanning, that question of "Do I feel safe?" is there. When shame is present in the background, the nervous system will react, and it will respond with the fight or flight response, or freeze.

For many people with ADHD, it leads to fibbing. And we tend to forget that this is a big issue for those with ADHD.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: What was the word you used? Fib?

Jamie Blume: Lie. That's right.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Dishonesty. Yes.

Jamie Blume: Exactly. And in all of this comes emotional dysregulation—our inability to show up as our true selves. And what happens next? As we know, we get even more off track, and our executive functioning declines. And it becomes a loop.

But it all starts with that backdrop of shame. When we're in shame, the autonomic nervous system reacts like that.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah. So, what you said a minute ago: the sooner we can start to unravel that. I think what I want to do now is talk about how we address issues of shame with younger children, especially early in the diagnosis process.

And then how we handle it when it’s further along. What I often tell parents is: it took you 17 years to get here, so it’s going to take some time to undo it, right?

Jamie Blume: Yeah.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Let's break it down into those two areas.

Jamie Blume: For younger kids, what I would suggest to parents is that the more you can focus on the wins, the positives, the strengths, and the talents, the better. When I'm working with parents, I often tell them to almost exclusively focus on the positive for a while.

Let go of the negative. I promise they’re going to be aware of the challenges; they know what they’re doing and not doing, even if we don’t believe they do. Really start by celebrating even the small things. I don’t care if it’s just, "Wow, you tied your shoe!" or "You weren’t 20 minutes late for school; you were just 10 minutes late!" Whatever the little thing is, focus on the positives so they can start building a better sense of self.

This helps them develop confidence in themselves, which is huge. So that’s what I would recommend for the younger kids.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: And the story I want to share here, just for full disclosure, everybody, is the time I celebrated when my kid remembered to bring their shoes to school. Absolutely! It was a big success that day.

Jamie Blume: Absolutely! And at the same time, it’s important to help them lean into their strengths and their learning styles. Help them help themselves. For example, if they need help breaking something down, guide them through it. It's similar to what I did when my son was in fourth grade and had to practice for his spelling test.

He would skateboard with headphones while I tested him because he was so kinesthetic. We do what we need to do to help these kids become successful, so they don’t come home feeling like they failed another spelling test. Instead, they can feel like they accomplished something.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: With a basketball.

Jamie Blume: Yeah, okay!

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Exactly!

Jamie Blume: Spelling with a basketball. That would probably have been easier—less friction than the scam.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Oh no, whatever works!

Jamie Blume: Exactly. For older kids and adults, first and foremost, we need to help them become aware that shame is present. We need to have them really tune into the signals their bodies are sending because, as research shows, we feel before we think.

Our bodies give us a lot of signals before our thoughts even reach our minds. So, for teenagers, young adults, and adults, it’s important to help them tap into those emotional sensations so they can understand how they’re feeling before they start thinking about it.

This gives them a chance to pause. And in that pause, they can choose how they want to move forward. As we know, what we focus on grows, and if we continue to focus on shame and negativity, that's how we end up living.

But if we can slow down and say, "Oh, wait, this is just a sensation, and I’m going to lean into this feeling, this discomfort, but I know I’m okay," then they can focus on how to move forward.

One more thing I’ll add is that, just like we focus on wins with kids, I do the same with my adult clients. We create "high five moment" lists, where they capture not only the cool things they’ve done that they’re proud of, but also how those accomplishments made them feel.

This is important because our brains don’t know the difference between experiencing something in the moment or reliving it. So, if we can help them relive these positive moments, it creates new neural pathways.

This gives their brains a memory of something positive to rely on when they face challenges. They can think, “Yes, I’ve done something difficult before.”

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: I love that. I haven't heard that before, and it’s a really nice shift. We don’t just want to focus on the wins; we almost want to re-feel them.

Jamie Blume: And when you do that with clients and you see their whole body light up as they relive that cool experience—they’re in it again—it’s amazing.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Well, Diane and I often say, especially to parents of teenagers, that a lot of parents come to us after years of trying everything else that hasn’t worked. They land here thinking, "I have to do something different."

And the idea that they have a role to play is key. These kids are so trapped in a shame spiral. What we often say is, “This kid needs a win.” We just need to find a win wherever we can, no matter how small. We have to start showing them that a win is even possible.

And when you’re working with people who’ve been struggling with untreated ADHD—whether or not they even knew about it—those small wins can have a huge impact. Success breeds success.

Jamie Blume: Right, and you’ve mentioned before that partially treated ADHD doesn’t treat the skills, right? As much as medication can help, it's really about helping people, at any age, build the confidence, feel the wins, and experience those positive feelings so they know they can move forward and keep having successes.

I think that's exactly what you're saying, Elaine. It's so important when we’re working with people of all ages.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah, and I do think we’re moving away from the old paradigm that says ADHD should only be treated with medication. We’re moving toward a new paradigm that recognizes ADHD is more complicated than that, and that it truly requires a multimodal approach. Kids really need their parents to get training.

Adults and young adults need training, coaching, and support, in addition to medication. There’s a whole realm of treatment that goes beyond medication.

Jamie Blume: Absolutely.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Or, as we might call it, activating the brain. Maybe it’s medication, maybe it’s meditation—there are many ways to activate the brain.

Jamie Blume: Fun is a great activator.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Fun is beautiful.

Jamie Blume: I have a lot of teenagers who do five-minute dance parties before every assignment.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: I love that. So, is there—well, I want to take a minute to tell people more about you, and then we’ll wrap up the conversation. How can people find out more about you?

Jamie Blume: Yeah, they can visit my website at alongtheirway.com. I’m also featured in a lot of magazines and journals. I do a lot of training. I’m just out there.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Alright.

Jamie Blume: Come find me out there!

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: With a team of coaches. Just like us, you have a team.

Jamie Blume: Yes, and I also mentor coaches. For coaches who are looking to develop additional skills, I offer that as well.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Before we close, I want to ask—Is there anything we haven’t talked about that you think is important? Or is there anything we’ve discussed that you really want to highlight?

Jamie Blume: A couple of things. One is that parents, whether or not they have ADHD themselves, really need to do their own work. It’s important for them to prioritize self-care, to go out and have their own fun, to separate from their children, and to have their own lives as well.

It’s also essential for them to notice when they’re feeling triggered and examine their belief systems, so they can show up as neutrally as possible—without being influenced by the emotions or situations around them.

They need to ask themselves, "What do I really want for my child?" It’s probably not just an ‘A’ in math. If you start focusing on that long-term goal of what you truly want for them, it might shift your perspective.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah, because when you really get down to it, do you want them to get an ‘A’ in this class, or are you aiming for them to become fulfilled, independent individuals? It’s a very different question to ask. And your approach to getting there will be very different.

Jamie Blume: Exactly. And one of the things I notice when I ask parents during our intake session, "What’s going well?" is the look on their faces, as if they didn’t realize they were going to be asked that. So, it’s really impactful to focus on what’s going well within the whole family.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah. And what’s interesting—and I’m sure you see this too—is that sometimes the greatest celebrations come in the most difficult moments. Sometimes, what's going well is something like, "This week, they came home with a bunch of zeros, or they didn’t take the test, or they didn’t go to school. But I stayed calm, I stayed cool, and we had a great conversation about it."

Jamie Blume: Absolutely.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: That’s a win, even if the external circumstances aren’t what you might have hoped for.

Jamie Blume: Absolutely.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah. So, I often ask at the end of my coaching sessions and in all of our group sessions, and I don’t know why this is coming to me today, but I want to throw this question at you: What’s your insight from today’s conversation? What do you feel like we’ve been talking about?

Jamie Blume: To me, there’s a lot about how, with the pause, comes choice. If you think about the way we react to negative comments, how we show up, and how we manage shame—both in ourselves and our children—every moment that we can slow down and pause, we have the opportunity to decide how we want to move forward. And I think that’s really big. To me, that’s the main takeaway from this conversation.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah, and that idea, I think, doesn’t get talked about enough in the ADHD community. But to decide how to move forward means setting intentions. We often move forward into action without slowing down to get clear on what we’re trying to achieve. What is that intention?

Jamie Blume: Definitely.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Thank you, Jamie. It was a delicious conversation. Thank you for being with me. I really appreciate it.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: “Life isn’t as serious as the mind makes it out to be.” I love that. Yeah. Sometimes, I had a high school substitute teacher who used to say, "Don’t take life so seriously. You can’t get through it alive." I think Eckhart Tolle is a little more sophisticated in the way he looks at it.

Jamie Blume: We used to have a big sign that said, “Everything is an experiment.” Right? Very similar, but yeah, it’s about keeping things in perspective. That applies to all of us, not just parents, but to everyone.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Okay. Thank you. I will.