Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Hi, everyone! Welcome back to another episode of the Parenting with Impact podcast. Diane, today's topic is a great one.

Diane Dempster: It sure is! We're talking about well-meaning friends and family, judgment, pity, shame, and all sorts of interesting dynamics.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: We're addressing this topic as the holiday season approaches, a time when many of these issues often come to the forefront. Whether you're on a winter break or observing a special occasion, this conversation is bound to resonate.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: We thought this was something you'd really need to hear right now.

Diane Dempster: Exactly. A lot of my clients came back from Thanksgiving feeling frustrated and rolling their eyes after spending time with family or friends. There was this constant fear: Will my kids be able to hold it together? And then there were the inevitable comments, like, All you have to do is be tougher on her, and she’ll be fine. 

It’s all the stuff that happens when parents encounter people—whether family, friends, or even teachers—who don’t truly understand our kids. They offer well-meaning advice, but it often feels backhanded or dismissive of what’s really going on.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Well, here’s what came to mind as you were talking about that: sometimes we act before we truly understand. You were telling me about your plant clients, and it reminded me of a Thanksgiving when one of my kids was five. Thanksgiving was at my house, and they couldn’t hold it together.

At the time, I didn’t understand and didn’t handle it well. Full disclosure—I really mishandled the situation. I made them leave the room and punished them for what I later realized was just overwhelm and emotional overload.

It was so much—there were so many people in the house. Looking back now, I can’t believe I responded the way I did, but at the time, I just didn’t understand what was going on. We’ve talked about pity and judgment, or sympathy and judgment. Sometimes, it’s the judgment of others, and sometimes, we’re judging ourselves, right? 

Diane Dempster: Yeah, let me jump in on that. I think what happens is that if someone says something to you, and you secretly judge yourself for the same thing, it’s going to resonate. I always share this example: I drive a Mazda, and if someone were to come in and say, “Oh, Mazdas are terrible, they’re the worst cars ever,” I’d probably just shrug it off because I love my Mazda.

But if someone were to say something that touches on a doubt I already have about myself, it’s a completely different story. That little voice in the back of your mind goes, “Oh, wait, maybe they’re right.” It gets super loud and aligns with what they’re saying. That’s when the judgment becomes exaggerated.

Our own secret—or even overt—judgments kick in, and we get hooked by it. We start creating stories like, “Oh no, this is terrible,” or, “I must be a bad mom,” or, “This is never going to succeed.”

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: I’ve got to stop this now. What I’m thinking about is that in that moment, I remember, and I’m not sure if my dad looked at me or not, but in hindsight, I can imagine the care I was trying to show. I was trying to prevent an explosion, trying not to trigger that person’s response.

Diane Dempster: Yeah, right. And that’s really common. That’s your story—“Oh my gosh, don’t misbehave, or we’re going to get in trouble with Dad.” Even though you’re an adult now.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right, and it’s in my own house! But that’s the thing. A lot of us walk on eggshells because we know that one triggered reaction can set off a cascade of other triggered reactions. So we try to prevent that first moment from exploding. Part of this is about managing upsets and triggers, which I don’t think is what we thought we were talking about when we started.

Diane Dempster: We’ve talked about upsets and triggers in other podcasts.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right, but there’s this other thing. We’ve been talking a lot this year about how diagnoses come out, and how many parents tend to avoid getting a diagnosis for their kids because they don’t want the label. But sometimes, that diagnosis is what helps a child understand themselves. If we don’t give them an explanation, what they make up for themselves is often much worse. They might think they’re lazy, crazy, or stupid.

So, with some diagnoses, like ADHD, there tends to be a lot of judgment before you even get the diagnosis. There’s often judgment of the parents and the kids, and it’s viewed as a behavior disorder. But it’s different when you get a diagnosis like dyslexia or autism, because those come with a lot more concern, sympathy, or understanding, and a lot less judgment.

Diane Dempster: Well, when this came up this week, there was an article about the increase in autism diagnoses right now. It’s astonishing how much it has increased over the last 10 years because we understand it so much better.

And the thing that went through my mind was that maybe five or 10 years ago, there was a similar article about the increase in ADHD diagnoses. The media was like, “Oh, it’s all a bunch of BS, this isn’t really happening.” It was dismissed as just a trend, but now it’s a different story.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right, and they said, “Isn’t it really overdiagnosed?” So there’s this stigma around some of these conditions, especially those with a behavioral impact. And I think we, as parents, not only have to manage our own thoughts around that but also deal with how it shows up in our extended families.

Diane Dempster: Well, when this came up this week, there was an article about the increase in autism diagnoses right now. It’s astonishing how much it’s increased over the last 10 years because we understand it so much better.

And the thing that went through my mind was that maybe five or 10 years ago, there was a similar article about the increase in ADHD diagnoses. The media was like, “Oh, it’s all BS, this isn’t really happening.” It was dismissed as just a trend, but now we’re seeing it differently.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right, they said it was overdiagnosed. So, there’s this stigma around certain conditions, especially those with a behavioral impact. I think, as parents, we not only have to manage our own thoughts about that but also deal with how it shows up in our extended families.

Diane Dempster: Well, and then there's the other side of it—people offering advice, right? Like I was talking to someone earlier today. It was exactly that situation: a six-year-old girl with explosive emotions and constant power struggles. 

The child is clearly overwhelmed by life, but everyone’s saying, "You just have to be tough, you have to discipline her." But the thing is, if you try to discipline a child like that—I've had a child like that too—it only escalates the situation. 

I’d give her a consequence, and she’d just say, "I’ll see your consequence," and add three more. That’s just how it worked.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Well, there’s an element of power struggle underlying all of this. On one hand, we’re adults, living our own lives and parenting our own children. 

But on the other hand, we’re still influenced by the scripts and stories from how we were raised, along with all the experiences we bring to the table. We’re dealing with our own imposter syndrome and worries about how we’re managing things. 

I think—I don’t know when it was for you, but for me, it wasn’t until I was past 40 that I stopped listening so much to the outside world and started paying attention to my own inner compass.

Diane Dempster: I think it’s hard not to, though. That’s the thing. You’re at a social event, talking with friends about what’s going on in your life. And, you know, we have complex kids, and that’s probably one of the biggest, if not the biggest, thing happening in our lives. 

So naturally, we want to talk about it with people who are close to us. They want to be helpful and offer advice, but they can only do so from their own perspective. 

They don’t understand that these kids don’t respond to consequences in the same way, or that they don’t remember things like if they call their sibling a name, they’ll get in trouble. It’s like they just don’t get it. 

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: They learn from their successes but not from their failures, and that’s really, really hard.

Diane Dempster: Right? It’s like you can’t threaten a consequence because they won’t remember it.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Exactly. And it’s funny you mention that because you want to talk to your friends about it. I remember reaching a point where I didn’t want to talk to anyone. 

There were two things that came up when I was thinking about it—not only dealing with my kids and the explosions and eruptions, but I also had a fairly explosive husband. He was struggling with depression for a long time, and I really didn’t want to tell anyone about that. He didn’t want me to tell anyone either. 

So there I was, isolated, feeling like my family was falling apart. I couldn’t talk to anyone because he didn’t want the shame he thought would come with it, and I wasn’t getting the support I needed.

So what I want to say to anyone dealing with a spouse who’s struggling with issues is that it’s really important to find help for yourself. You need a place where you can get support—not someone telling you what to do. I had one friend who kept giving me advice, and bless her heart, she wasn’t married, she didn’t have kids, she didn’t have the experience. 

It wasn’t helpful. So what you really want is someone who will just listen and be a safe person to talk to about what you’re going through. Sometimes, that’s half …

Diane Dempster: …of it, right? Well, let’s be really clear about this, because you mentioned spouses, and some of you are parents who aren’t getting help for yourselves. Being in a community of other parents who get it is absolutely critical. 

And what’s coming up for me as you’re saying that is, if you have a difficult situation with a spouse, like I did—my spouse was an alcoholic, and I dealt with that for years and years—people often either feel sorry for you, pity you, or say things like, “Oh, that must be so terrible, that must be so hard,” or they want to give advice. 

It’s like there’s no in-between. Maybe we should offer some advice on how to handle it if you’re in that situation.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right? So they either want to feel sorry for you or tell you what to do. It’s because they want to be helpful, and they are. The thing is, most of the time, the people we’re talking to are friends and family who love us and genuinely want what’s best for us—even if it doesn’t always feel that way. 

I remember reading an article once called Bless Her Heart, She Just Doesn’t Understand, about a family member who, I really believe, was trying to be helpful but just didn’t get it. 

And so knowing that’s real, and understanding that people sometimes don’t understand, we have to hold that and not judge it. It’s hard to stay present in that moment.

But if we can assume their best intentions, that’s the first place I’d start. What else would you offer?

Diane Dempster: Well, I think the other piece of it is that you can hear someone’s advice, say “Thank you, that’s a generous offer,” and then in your head think, “Yeah, that won’t work, but thanks for talking.” It’s really about seeing it as a gift from them, because most of the time, that’s what it is—a gift. 

You just have to figure out how to filter it. Then, go somewhere else to get support that’s more knowledgeable and better suited to your specific situation.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: So, I’m reminded of something—and I’m trying to remember when it was, probably 8 or 10 years ago—we wrote something about the difference between therapy, coaching, and friends. Do you remember that? 

Yeah, because you know, therapy is where you deal with your emotional stuff, your core wounds, your life history, and all that, right? You’re looking for...

Diane Dempster: A place of dysfunction to function, right?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Exactly. And friends are where you go to vent, to let it out sometimes, and to get advice. Whether it's a girlfriend, boyfriend, or anyone else, it’s that space where you can just be yourself and be real. But oftentimes, friends give advice based on their own experiences, like you mentioned earlier.

Diane Dempster: And they often have a hidden agenda, right?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yes. That’s what I was going to say. They have an agenda for you, or they want what they think is important for you.

Diane Dempster: Yeah, I was going to say the same thing. They want something for you, they have an agenda, or they see things through their own lens. I was talking to someone last night, and I was trying to be a good friend, but I realized I could only see the situation through my lens. 

So I said to the person, “I want to be helpful, but I can only see this from my perspective. Help me understand how you see it, so I can sit in your seat more concretely and offer thoughts based on how you see it, not how I see it. If that makes any sense.”

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: It totally makes sense. And so, coaching—it’s been a way I’ve been describing it lately—is like allowing someone the space to have a conversation with themselves. It’s about giving yourself your best advice. 

I know it might feel like you don’t know the answers yet, but you actually do know what you really need to know. You have the capacity to figure it out.

Diane Dempster: Exactly. You’re given options and ideas, which is a lot of what coaches, trainers, and people in those roles do. You can say, “Yes, you’re right,” or “No, that doesn’t feel right,” kind of sifting through and figuring out what feels like a good place to start.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yes, or figuring out some action to take. That notion of having a conversation with yourself, right? Someone is holding up a mirror, letting you talk through it. And what I love about our coaching community is that we’ve trained so many parents to stop giving advice right off the bat. 

Instead, they listen and ask questions before jumping into, “Well, we tried this,” or “We tried that.” It’s about really letting people explore what they’re going through before rushing to solve it.

Diane Dempster: Well, that’s the piece I was going to mention. We teach a tool in Sanity School, and we teach parents to use it with their kids. It’s called ACE: Acknowledge, Show Compassion, and then Explore. And I think what happens is we do the same thing in adult relationships—we jump straight to the solution, to the strategy, or to offering ideas and suggestions. 

We don’t take the time to really see and acknowledge the other person’s feelings. For example, we don’t always stop to say, “Wow, I can tell you’re really worried about this,” or “I can tell this is really frustrating for you,” or “It looks like this is throwing you for a complete loop.” It’s about truly seeing and validating their experience. 

And even finding a way to ask for that acknowledgment from your family or friends can be hard. It’s not easy to talk about emotions, but what you really need is for someone to see you and witness your struggles.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Well, I was just thinking about a conversation I had with a girlfriend of mine over the weekend. I can’t even remember what the topic was, but I had a death in my family, and I was processing some stuff—it was a rough weekend. 

She was suggesting something, and I finally said to her, “I really appreciate what you’re offering, but right now, I’m not looking for advice or problem-solving. I just need you to listen, is that okay?” And that’s kind of a design, right? It’s another tool we teach, called design. She was able to hear me and responded, “Oh, yeah, yeah, I get it. 

What do you need?” I just needed to talk, to be upset, and to have someone listen without trying to tell me what to do about it. Yeah, right? And I think that’s hard for people who love us because they want to help and make it better.

Diane Dempster: Yeah, well, they do. And I think that then, you know, everyone out there is probably thinking, "Well, what do you do about it?" So, number one is ask. Find ways to ask for what you need when you can, right? 

It’s about designing your relationships with friends and family. You need to ignore the well-meaning advice and see it as a gift, rather than a judgment or criticism, or anything else.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: And just real quick, you can find an article about that on the website called Relationships by Design.

Diane Dempster: Exactly. And the other thing I think we forget, and I want to put a plug in here, is that a lot of times, our parents hear judgment from school or from other adults who are working with their kids—whether it’s a scout leader, a coach, someone at school, or at church, you know, it’s...

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: We just need to get them up earlier.

Diane Dempster: Right, exactly. And get them out the door on time.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Oh, yeah, I never thought of that.

Diane Dempster: So, just a reminder that part of our role as parents, whether we like it or not, is education. Finding ways to share information with the people who would value it—and who would be willing to receive it—about what’s really going on for your kid can be another helpful tool to bring into the mix.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: So whether it’s coaches, teachers, therapists, or whoever, really helping them understand things from your perspective. I remember in the early days feeling like, “I’m just a mom. What do I know? I’m not an expert in this.”

Diane Dempster: But you know more than anyone else, especially about your own kid.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right. And that’s what I had to come to accept and trust—that I did know more. But it took a long time. So, I think that’s another thing I would offer to people: really take a look at what you trust about what you know and your instincts as a parent. 

Give yourself permission to trust those instincts because, very often, our kids are so outside the box that we have to turn all the conventional advice on its head and meet the kid we’ve got, not the kid everyone else thinks we should have.

Diane Dempster: Well, the reality is that for the challenges we’re talking about—whether it’s anxiety, autism, ADHD, or whatever else—there are so many different flavors of this, right? It just shows up in different ways. Executive function challenges, for example, show up so differently at different ages, for different kids, and in different weeks or even moments.

People really need help understanding how your child’s challenges actually present themselves. I mean, how many times have you sat down with a parent who says, “Is this ADHD, or is my kid just bad?” And it’s like, “Yes, it’s ADHD.” It’s like reading a checklist and going, “Yep, that’s ADHD. Yep, that’s autism. 

Yep, that’s an executive function challenge.” It’s all of these things, because we’re talking about executive function, which is what helps us manage our lives and emotions. Everything we think, do, or feel is impacted by our executive function, and that’s exactly what most of these kids struggle with.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Alright, so if we’re going to wrap this up, here’s what I’m hearing. If our topic is how to handle well-meaning family members and friends, then what I’ve heard is: assume their best intentions, give them the benefit of the doubt, know that they are caring and loving, and assume that even if you’re not sure they are. 

I’ve also heard use the ACE method—acknowledge and show compassion before you get to problem-solving. 

You can look up the ACE method on the website. Then there’s relationship design, which means designing the conversations you have with others—that’s another tool. And lastly, really trusting your own instincts as a parent and giving yourself permission to trust yourself.

Diane Dempster: Well, I would take that a step further, which is checking your own judgment. It’s about really watching and noticing when you’re feeling like your child’s behavior means you’re a bad parent, or when you think your child is a bad kid. Or when you’re terrified. We use the word catastrophizing—where are you catastrophizing? 

Like when your child is having a hard time standing in line in first grade, and you’re afraid they’re never going to make it to college because of their behavior in first grade. That’s catastrophizing. So, watch and be aware of where your own judgment shows up.

And then the last thing that I heard, which we didn’t restate, is that part of your job is educating others because you know your child better than anyone else. So take on that role, and get help to do so. I think the challenge is that many of us don’t feel equipped to explain our kids to someone else. 

Doing one of our programs, learning more about executive function, and learning as much as you can about your child—figuring out what "flavor" your child has—so you can help other adults understand it, can be really helpful.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah, and I just want to reiterate that point you just made about how, in the world of complex kids, there’s often a context of judgment. It’s either judgment or pity, right? And neither of those are particularly constructive or helpful. 

Both of them assume that something’s wrong or broken. So, if we can look at what’s going right, without judging it or feeling sorry for it, and just take it as a matter of fact—this is what it is—then we can ask ourselves, “How do we want to help improve this? How do we want to make it better?” 

Let’s invite people to help improve things and leave the judgment and pity at the door. It’s hard, right? But if we can do that, we can embrace what’s possible, and that’s a huge shift.

Diane Dempster: For us. And again, I’m going to put in a plug here because you mentioned that this isn’t about fixing; it’s about managing. Most of these kids’ challenges are about managing, not fixing. 

We need to get out of that “fix it” mindset and shift to a “how do we manage this” mindset. That can make all the difference in the world in terms of your perspective. Then you can educate, support, and get other people on board with that same perspective.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: And empower your kids to believe that it’s possible, right? Like, when I think back to my child at five years old during Thanksgiving, I wasn’t empowering that kid to believe they could pull it together and come back to Thanksgiving, or that they could choose not to pull it together and stay away. I wasn’t empowering them because I was so focused on them doing what I needed them to do that I wasn’t paying attention to what they needed to do.

 And we’re going to do that sometimes, too. The sooner we can notice it, the sooner we can stop, redirect, and apologize—which might be a conversation that happens tonight, many decades later.

Diane Dempster: No, this is great. There’s so much here, and it’s been a really good conversation.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: So, what I want to leave you with as we close this conversation is just to remember that this stuff is complicated. It’s not easy, and all the family togetherness just amps it up, right? The things that come out with our families often bring out the worst, not the best. So, give yourself some grace. 

Show yourself some love in the context of this, and just remember—it’s all about taking incremental baby steps, one step at a time.

Diane Dempster: Take care of yourself and your kids. We’re glad you’re here.