Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Welcome back, everybody, to another conversation on the Parenting with Impact podcast. Diane and I are here.

Diane Dempster: Good to see you. Hi, everyone!

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: So, we’ve been talking about what we want to discuss, and lately, I’ve been telling people, Diane, that I feel like 2024 is trying to kick my butt, and I’m trying to fight back. So, today I want to talk about what to do when it just feels like it’s too much.

Diane Dempster: It’s so funny, because I think every year since the pandemic, we’ve all been saying, “Okay, this year is going to be different!” And then we move on to the next year, and the next one. So, I think part of the reality is—maybe this is the punchline—sometimes, it’s just a lot.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah, exactly. You know, we can theorize all day long, and I have my own theories. Sure, coming out of the pandemic plays a role, but I also think it has something to do with AI and the sheer volume of information we’re expected to keep up with.

Diane Dempster: Right.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: How many different social media platforms, how many different news outlets? How is any human supposed to manage all the stuff coming at us? And then, imagine what that must be like for our kids.

Diane Dempster: Well, what’s coming up for me as you say this is that you and I have talked about how our kids are digital natives. They operate at a different pace than we do. I’m over 60, right? So, I didn’t grow up with technology until I was in college, other than the television.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: And I remember when my parents got a remote control—when that was new!

Diane Dempster: Oh, yes, I remember getting a new TV with a remote control.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: It probably even had a wire attached to it!

Diane Dempster: Exactly. I had to get up and walk to the TV. Maybe that helped me regulate when I wanted to change the channel. But anyway, our kids are moving at a much faster pace, and the world is moving at a much faster pace.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Oh my gosh, that’s so true.

Diane Dempster: And let’s not pretend. The reality is that many of our kids are actually designed in a way that they can handle it—at least more effectively than some of us adults can, because we didn’t grow up that way.

So, there’s this exhaustion we experience from trying to keep up in a world that’s so different from the one we grew up in. My parents say this to me all the time: “When I was a kid…” But we don’t live in that world anymore. Not at all.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: I’m going to question this. Can our kids really handle it better than we can? Or is part of what we’re seeing—like the refusal, the resistance, and the anxiety—part of their way of saying, “Y’all, it’s too much”?

Diane Dempster: Well, I think it’s a “yes and.” I think what we’re seeing is that some kids can handle it, and some can’t. And I’m guessing that 30 or 40 years from now, when all these kids are in therapy as adults, or whatever they’re doing, we’ll realize, “Wow, I was moving too fast.

My parents asked me to move too fast. The world asked me to move too fast.” So, one theory is that the world is asking too much of all of us in general, which is making it harder for us to engage effectively because we’re bouncing around in a different way.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: And if we have a kind of load limit to what we can navigate, we don’t live in a world that allows us to say, “Yes, I can handle this load, but not that load.” You know, we talk about how our kids are specialists in a generalist’s world, right? A lot of our kids with complex issues—when you see what their expertise is, it’s amazing.

But the school often asks them to be generalists. We often ask them to be equally good at everything, and that’s just not a reasonable expectation. I think the same may be true for the sheer volume of information we’re all trying to process. If I could just decide, “I’m only going to get my news from these two sources, and I’ll tune everything else out,” or, “I’m only going to use one or two social media platforms and ignore the rest,” I could manage that. But we can’t do that because our community is on all these platforms.

Diane Dempster: Right. No, it is.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Let me finish for a second. I was doing this experiment for myself, trying to figure out how to reduce my hours so that I had time to manage the volume of email that comes at me. I’ve tried all these strategies to manage email, like many of us are doing. And for those of us with ADD, it’s even more complicated, I think.

I’ve even hired someone to help, scheduled time, and done an “email return” block. I’ve set all these parameters, but it doesn’t really matter what I do—it’s still more than any one person can handle and still get anything else done. When I really started looking at it, if I was actually managing it, even just to triage it, it’s two to three hours a day.

That’s not a reasonable expectation, right? So, how do we deal with all of this when we have other priorities? It’s like the world is prioritizing for us. And I think our kids feel that same way, too.

Diane Dempster: Right.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: They would like to be able to have a life in addition to whatever’s expected of them at school. What’s coming up for you?

Diane Dempster: Well, there’s part of me that’s cracking up—though you can’t see it—because we do digital marketing, and so we’re contributing to the problem. Hopefully, today we’ll be a little part of the solution. We’re not going to sit here and hand-hold you through all the strategies you could try—or not try. Your experience is a testament to the fact that even if you try a million different strategies, it doesn’t always solve the problem. But what you’re describing...

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: But it might reduce the bottom-line intensity, right?

Diane Dempster: Exactly. Living with a mindset that thinks you can somehow fix it, that things are going to be different, is going to affect how you handle it. You’re going to deal with it a lot differently than if you just accept, “This is my reality.” I think about this almost like the difference between something being "naughty" versus "neurological" in the context of technology in our day and age. If I think, “I shouldn’t be getting this many emails. I shouldn’t have all these things happening. There shouldn’t be all this information,” then I’m caught in this “shoulding” mindset.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: There’s a lot of “shoulding” going on, right?

Diane Dempster: Exactly. If I fight it, I’m just causing myself stress. This is the core of the whole issue. Whenever I fight something, it’s like I’m taking poison and expecting the other person to get sick. So, I’m making myself upset, and it doesn’t change anything that’s going on.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: It’s not going to change anything for us.

Diane Dempster: But if I go, “Okay, wait. This is my reality.” The reality is, I live in a world where I get this many emails every day, and I’ve got to figure out how to do my best. And, I mean, there’s...

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Get up the next day and try again.

Diane Dempster: Exactly. And not be freaked out. Right. It’s about how we exist in the world. I think this is probably the same idea. I just had a flash in my head. A true story—my grandmother was one of the first people in Cleveland, Ohio, to get a Model T.

I think she was the second person to get one. But if you think about what that was like—going from horse-drawn carriages to what? And then, suddenly, there were cars everywhere. Imagine what that transition must have been like. People must’ve thought, “There shouldn’t be cars, cars are terrible,” and yet now, cars are just part of what we live with.

So, we’re on this cusp, moving from little information to the overwhelming volume of information we have now. I remember paying bills by mail, trying to figure out how many days I had before they were due and making sure they were there on time. And today, I paid my bills this morning in three seconds. Right?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Immediate gratification. The world has changed a lot.

Diane Dempster: It’s true. But if I’m sitting here, getting back to what we were saying—it’s like we’re in the middle of this transition from slow to fast. And I hope and pray that at some point, we’ll reach a kind of stasis with how things work, just like we eventually reached stasis with the fact that there are cars on the road every day.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: So I hear you, and I hold that prayer in my heart, right? But part of me wonders, as I’m hearing you say this... it’s like, the Industrial Revolution started a couple of hundred years ago, right? I don’t know—the math might need to catch me up, but maybe 150 years ago, I’m not sure.

Diane Dempster: Whatever it is, we’re in the information age now.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Exactly. We’re in this new realm. And I think we’re always in transition between what was and what the new stasis is. I don’t think we’re ever going to live in a time where we’re not constantly in transition and change.

Diane Dempster: That’s part of what’s interesting about being human.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: For those of us who struggle with transition.

Diane Dempster: Well, let’s talk a little more about that, because many of you listening happen to be neurodivergent adults, and transition might be particularly hard for you.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: I’m going to say, let’s take a break and come back to talk about that.

Diane Dempster: Okay.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: All right.

Diane Dempster: Yep.

[After Break]

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Welcome back, everybody. Diane and I are having a philosophical conversation about when the world feels like too much and the intensity of the modern world. We’ve moved into a conversation about transition. So, Diane, go ahead.

Diane Dempster: What I was going to say quickly is that some humans have a hard time with transition periods. And if you're in the middle of a really transitional time on the planet— which we are— and in an environment that is constantly changing, if you think about it... you’re talking about reading emails, and I don’t know how many emails you get a day, but I have to transition from this email to that one, and then this one, and this one might be from my kid’s school, and then this is from my boss, and then there’s a sale at Kohl’s.

Not that I got one of those today or anything! But it’s like this constant flipping between all these things, and it’s not easy. It’s there, and it’s hard.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: And then I’m like, well, what do I do with this? How do I make sure I find this one again, or this one I want to act on, but this one I don’t like? I’m good at deleting, thankfully, but there’s a lot of stuff where I don’t know what to do with it. And so part of it is the volume—the sheer volume of what’s coming at us, the volume of what we’re trying to manage, whether it’s the stuff in my house or the stuff on my computer.

Diane Dempster: Right. Or it’s all my kid’s stuff, right? Which is what we thought we were going to talk about at the beginning. Our kids are complex—that’s what we do. They have all this stuff going on, whether it’s school refusal, homework, relationships, or whatever it is. There’s all of this stuff with them and all this stuff with us.

So, I guess, Elaine, what do we want to say? Because I don’t think we’re going to sit here and give you 17 ideas for triaging emails and managing all this. What I want to say—and I want to know what you want to say—is that sometimes, this stuff is just a lot. Period.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah. I really do think so. I wear this necklace that says Gam zeh ya'avor, and what it translates to in English is "This too shall pass." I’ll put the link to an article on the site about it, which I love. On some level, this mantra, "This too shall pass," has gotten me through the last 25 years. This is where I am in my life right now. This is not forever.

I have always self-talked and coached myself through being with that which is hard to be with. So much of what we do is helping parents figure out how to be with that which is hard to be with. And I think this is another way we’re talking about that.

Diane Dempster: I think that every... So, a mantra is absolutely a great tool in the toolbox. I have a friend whose mantra is, "You can never get it wrong, and you can never get it done right." It’s just sort of, let’s stop trying to make it perfect.

Let’s stop pretending we’re going to get it all done, and let’s stop holding ourselves to the standard that we can’t fail, right? It’s this idea that we can’t make mistakes or it has to be exactly right, or we’re missing an opportunity. A mom the other day, bless her heart, was talking about that.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: In a loving way, not a southern way.

Diane Dempster: No. Okay, yes, exactly. So, bless her heart—definitely was a bit stuck in it. But I got to teach the lesson, right? I got this. This is the perfect opportunity to teach my kid the lesson. And I said to her—imagine this is someone with an 8-year-old—I said, "You have ten years. Let’s say you just had ten years, until your kid was 18. And I promise you, you have a lot more years than just ten."

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Things really start clicking after 18.

Diane Dempster: If you took one opportunity a week to teach a life lesson for the next ten years, you would have over 500 chances to teach a life lesson. I did the math.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: That’s brilliant.

Diane Dempster: That’s good. I know.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: And she did the math.

Diane Dempster: I did! But they don’t know about me in math. So, I think what I want to come back to, Elaine, is this idea of fighting your reality versus dancing with your reality.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yes.

Diane Dempster: And our logo at Impact Parents is the roller coaster. It’s this idea that if you’re like, “I don’t want to be on a roller coaster. I’m trying to get this roller coaster to stop,” you’re going to engage with your life in a very different way than if you’re like, “I’m on a freaking roller coaster. How do I make the best of it? Who do I want with me? What do I want to eat while I’m on the roller coaster? How do I...?”

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Maybe I should avoid the stuff that’s going to splash in my face.

Diane Dempster: Do I need to take any Dramamine? You know, it’s like...

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: But, you know, it’s really... it’s really true. What’s becoming clear to me, as you’re saying this, is that we all go through phases where we’re doing it better at times and not as well at other times. I’ve had a lot going on in my personal life, and I said to Diane last week, “I don’t feel like I’m handling this as well as I’d like to.”

And her response was, “Given everything you’re dealing with, it seems like you’re handling it okay.” And it was a great perspective. It’s like, yeah, I guess it just doesn’t feel good. But just because it doesn’t feel good doesn’t mean I’m not actually handling it okay. Right?

Diane Dempster: And I think that’s the piece of it. Those of us— and I’m one of these, and you’re one of these as well—most of the time, we’ve got our crap together. We’re getting things done, we’re making it happen, even if we don’t always feel like it’s solid.

We’ve got the plates... What’s the analogy? The plate spinning? We’ve got all the plates spinning, and then all of a sudden, there are 700 plates instead of just ten. And we expect that we’re going to be able to keep all 700 of them up. But we don’t have the emotional or practical space to say, “Which plates do I really want to keep going?” Because it’s just the plate that’s in front of you. Literally, the plate that’s in front of you, and that’s it.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Well, and what I noticed today... So, I messed up on a scheduling thing, which, those of you who know me, know I don’t do my own scheduling because I always mess up on scheduling things. But I did it myself, and then I messed it up.

And then I felt bad about it and went into my husband during a break, and I was like, “I just feel so bad about that.” And then something else happened, and then something else happened that went well, and then it was like, “Oh, I feel good about that.” And I’m like, on my own roller coaster within the hour. And that’s actually normal in our world.

And I think part of the opportunity is to... this is maybe why I’m such a big fan of celebrations and celebrating the little successes, because it’s really easy for little glitches to take me out, right? If I don’t balance it with remembering to acknowledge the stuff that’s going well. Because, as you say, it’s a constant roller coaster. We’re constantly moving, and so it’s up to us to decide how we’re going to be with it.

Diane Dempster: And I don’t know that it’s necessarily constant for everyone. For some of us, it absolutely is, but for others, it’s not. And this is where I think the challenge comes. We either have one part of our life, or we have certain times in our lives where we’re really able to manage it. I mean, I think about me and my email. It’s like, “Okay, I’m able to keep up with my email today.

Yay me!” It’s down to a certain number, and I feel good about that number, and life is good. And then, all of a sudden, something happens, and I come back to my desk, and all of a sudden I’ve got 300 emails. How did we end up here in this parallel universe? Right? It’s the same sort of thing. I’ve got a lot of clients who are like, “Okay, I’m chugging away. I’m doing okay.” And then all of a sudden, something happens, and they get reminded.

And I think that if we go back to the roller coaster, it’s sort of like, the roller coaster ride has been flat for a period of time. Whether it’s a day, and you’ve had a deep breath, or whether it’s been a year, and you’ve been doing well, or whether you’re one of those check-the-box, get-it-done kinds of people, and you live your life for checking the boxes... and then you don’t even have time to look at what the boxes are on your list. It’s going to be dysregulating and unnerving.

And so, it’s almost like we’ve got to prepare for two different times in our life. We have to prepare for it. “Okay, so this is how I want to show up when things are easier.” I’m going to say it that way. Whatever easier means for you. And here’s what all hands on deck looks like.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah.

Diane Dempster: And maybe the toolbox for "all hands on deck" really needs to look different than the one for other times. I was going to say the toolbox is the same.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: You’re going to use different tools.

Diane Dempster: Yes.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: At different times.

Diane Dempster: Thank you for saying that.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: The reason we love the coach approach, and why we create this toolbox, is because they all work—but they’re not always going to work at the same time or in the same way. You’re going to use transparency at some point, compassion at another point, and design at another. You’ll use all these different tools at different times depending on what’s called for, right?

Diane Dempster: Or even what inspires you. It’s not necessarily just what is called for. But I think that’s the piece of it: if we expect... The phrase that just popped into my head is expect the unexpected.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right. It’s about being sort of prepared for anything.

Diane Dempster: Well, and we don’t want to overdo that.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right.

Diane Dempster: I don’t know about you, Elaine—I mean, you’re in age group as well. My parents were Depression-era folks, and they had this mindset of prepare for the worst and be pleasantly surprised if something better happens. But for many of us, that approach can be exhausting. Living your life always preparing for the worst can be draining. So, yes, prepare, but don’t stress yourself out with that.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: When I used to teach pregnancy yoga, the mantra was expect the unexpected and be prepared for anything to happen.

Diane Dempster: Right, because...

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Sometimes you know what’s coming down the pike, and sometimes you don’t.

Diane Dempster: And I think just that language—be prepared for anything—can, for some of us, trigger this mindset of, "Oh my gosh, I have to think through every scenario, I need to know what might happen, and I’ve got to be ready for it." But that’s not necessarily what we’re saying.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: No, I agree. For some people, it’s about expecting the unexpected, and for others, it depends on how they interpret that phrase. But the point you’re making is spot on: it’s really about how we respond. It’s like dancing in the rain, dancing in the sunshine—understanding that sometimes it’s a sun shower, and sometimes you don’t have to dance at all.

Diane Dempster: And sometimes, it’s okay to cry, to frown, to just be.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Pout if you need to, and that's okay. Then pick yourself up and go again. One thing that came to mind as you were speaking was this: we were talking earlier about transitions. As parents of complex kids, I think part of what happens is we finally get a handle on what's going on. Just when we feel like we're in a groove, something changes, right? Maybe they hit a new developmental milestone, miss a milestone, or get a new teacher—something shifts.

Diane Dempster: Or a girlfriend comes into the picture, you know?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Exactly. And then it's like, "Here we go again." Just when we feel like we're getting the hang of things, something changes. When we can roll with those changes, it’s great. But when we struggle to roll with them, it adds another layer of stress to the family dynamic. That makes it harder for everyone to adapt. And that’s when we need to step back and do our own work, right?

Diane Dempster: And I think that's exactly it, Elaine. We could do a whole other podcast on this, but when we feel off balance—because it feels like too much for us—and I’m choosing that language carefully, it sends messages to our kids. Whether we intend to send those messages or not, or whether they consciously notice them or not, it’s likely that a child might interpret the situation as unsafe. Like, “Oh my gosh, Mom’s overwhelmed.

Mom doesn’t know what’s going on. Mom’s angry or frustrated. Mom’s whatever.” Or Dad’s—sorry, I don’t mean to leave out the dads listening!

But the point is, I don’t want to put pressure on us as parents to feel entirely responsible for our kids’ reactions. At the same time, we’re not the only ones on this roller coaster.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: No, for sure. And the kids probably chose the back row because it’s more fun and exciting.

Diane Dempster: And they’re watching us. Maybe that’s the key—they’re always watching. I think the balance is this: we don’t want to teach them that roller coasters are always fun. But we also don’t want to teach them that roller coasters are terrible. For me, I want to teach them that roller coasters are just a part of life.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Exactly. And sometimes, what I’ve been working on these last few months, especially these last few weeks, is teaching my kids that when you hit a snag, that’s when you ask for help. Sometimes it’s them asking for help, and sometimes it’s me asking for help.

Diane Dempster: Right.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: But modeling for them is so important because they’re used to seeing what looks like us being on top of things, whether we actually are or not, you know? They assume we’ve got it handled, and I think that assumption makes them feel safe—they want us to be on top of it.

But there are times, and this is one of those times for me, where part of what I’m modeling is: “I’m finding this ride rocky right now. I’m doing my best to be there for you, for Dad, for your siblings, your grandparents, and everyone else. And here’s what I’m doing to take care of myself.”

What I love is that my kids are starting to understand that. Because we’ve fostered such an environment of asking for help, they’re now cheering me on in that process. That’s the beauty of doing our own work—knowing when to step back and seek support for ourselves, whatever that looks like.

Diane Dempster: There’s so much here. I feel like we...

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: I can feel the energy of it, but it might be time for us to wrap this up.

Diane Dempster: And as we’re wrapping up, I’m listening to everything we’ve shared over the last 25 minutes. Even the pace at which we were going—so intense and exciting—feels like an indication of what happens when we get caught up in that energy. Sometimes it feels like it’s just too much.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: So here’s a beautiful invitation for everyone listening—whether you’re walking, driving, or sitting still: take a deep breath and pause.

Diane Dempster: Feel your feet on the floor, or your body in the seat if you’re sitting in a chair, and just...

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: And then exhale—release and relax. Thank you for that reminder, Diane. For all of us, and especially for me right now, it’s so important to keep taking those breaths, to slow down, and to be present with what’s here, wherever “here” is for each of us. And to trust that wherever we are on this roller coaster, we’re okay.

That’s a piece we haven’t really touched on, but it’s so significant—learning to trust that wherever I am on this ride, I’m okay.

Diane Dempster: Yes, and what came up for me as we took that deep breath is something I often experience: when I take a deep breath, it creates space for an emotion to surface. It’s like, “Oh, wait, I’m feeling overwhelmed. Oh, wait, I’m feeling sad. Oh, wait, I’m feeling irritated.” That pause allows me to notice, “Wow, I’m not just thinking—I’m feeling.”

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yes.

Diane Dempster: And so that’s part of the invitation as well—to take a moment to really check in and see what’s going on in my heart, not just in my head.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yes, and that doesn’t mean we’re going to fix everything or resolve it all, you know? It just means we’re living—and we’re living in interesting times. It’s a lot. So I think, Diane, what you’re saying is that we need to remind ourselves to slow down and feel it, so we can process it and be with those feelings.

And yes, that doesn’t mean we’ll immediately figure it all out or have the right solution, but slowing down to pay attention to what those feelings are connected to can really help guide us as we move forward.

Diane Dempster: Because the reality is—and we talk about this in a couple of episodes about triggers—when our life feels overwhelming and dysregulating because we’re stressed, we’re not clear-headed. We’re not problem-solving, and we’re not in our best mind. I’ll say it that way because we’re overwhelmed.

That’s why it’s so important to get into the moment: take deep breaths, feel what’s happening, clear some of the emotion, if you can and have the space to do so, and then jump back into the roller coaster.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: So let’s wrap up by asking you, folks: I know we’ve been all over the place a little bit—energetically, content-wise—but I’ve got tons of links to include in the show notes. What are you taking away from today? What’s your insight? What’s your awareness? What’s the validation or acknowledgment you might be feeling? What are you conscious of in this moment? What thoughts and feelings are present for you right now?

Diane Dempster: Yeah, and in closing, what I hope we've done is show you some compassion for your reality. We don’t want to whitewash it, you know, make it seem like everything is just fine. We know it’s hard, and we acknowledge that. We just want to send you a virtual hug through the lines and remind you—you’ve got this.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yep, you do. And we’ve got you. So, we’ll see you on the next one. Take care of yourself, whatever that means for you. Take care, everyone.