Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Hi, everybody! Welcome back to another episode of the Parenting with Impact podcast with Diane and Elaine.

Diane Dempster: Today, you’ve got Diane and Elaine!

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: I did say Diane and Elaine. Sometimes it’s Elaine and Diane, but either way, it’s our show today, and we’re going to focus on us—the parents, right?

Diane Dempster: Yeah, it’s funny because we always go through this process of figuring out what we want to talk about, and we can never remember if we’ve already covered it! This topic, though, is something I don’t think we’ve explicitly talked about yet.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Well, maybe all the time, but...

Diane Dempster: Right! But this time, I want to dive into it explicitly. So let’s just tell them what the topic is. The topic is—this is my wording, Elaine, so feel free to edit me—why focus on me, meaning the parent?

Why focus on the parent when it’s the child who’s struggling—whether it’s with behavior, school, life, learning, or whatever challenges they’re facing?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Exactly.

Diane Dempster: Why does the focus shift to you as a parent?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: And that ties into questions like, “Why is parent training recommended?” or “Why is self-care so important?” There are so many layers to this question of why the focus should be on us, right?

Part of the reason we’re having this conversation is that I was in an interview this week, and someone asked me about my “why,” which was such a powerful question. We talked about how my mission is to prevent kids from growing up feeling broken—like I did, or like my husband did, or even like my kids did in their early years.

And beyond that, my “why” is deeply rooted in the fact that, as parents of complex kids, no one wants more for our children than we do. No one wants them to succeed as much as we do. And yet, so often, we end up feeling like we’re failing them, like we’re broken, or like we’re just not measuring up to what they need.

Before this approach to parenting existed, there was no guidebook—no clear roadmap for how to do this. I was talking with one of our parent groups recently, and I realized that the world we’re parenting in now is completely unprecedented.

You can’t apply parenting strategies from the last century to today’s world, with its technology, AI, and everything else that’s constantly evolving.

Diane Dempster: And how many of us grew up not just without today’s technology and AI, but with a parenting style completely different from what society now promotes as the go-to style?

For instance, my parents were rule-followers. We all did what we were supposed to do, and that’s just how we were raised. If we didn’t, we got in trouble. There was this strict, consequences-based mindset that many of us grew up with. But that approach doesn’t necessarily work anymore.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Exactly. And I think it ties back to the fact that we live in a globalized world now. We’re no longer parenting our kids in isolation. In many cases, we’re not even the primary influence on them.

Diane Dempster: That’s so true.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: We don’t have the same kind of unified support system, either. Teachers don’t always have our backs, and we don’t always have theirs. I remember my mom saying how her mother was tough—if the teacher said something, that was the end of the conversation. But now, we’re effectively co-parenting with the world.

That can make us reactive as parents. We get scared, worried, frustrated, or overwhelmed, and we don’t realize how much all of that impacts our kids.

Diane Dempster: Which brings us back to the original question: why focus on the parents? One reason is that parenting is hard—and parenting complex kids is even harder.

That’s why we focus so much on supporting parents. Parenting is inherently challenging, but our goal is to help parents struggle as little as possible. Struggle is part of being human—it’s unavoidable—but we want to minimize it where we can.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: And make it productive.

Diane Dempster: Exactly, productive struggle. That’s the key. I was reflecting on this in one of my small groups this week. We were discussing how parents often put everyone else’s needs first, to the point where we forget about ourselves entirely.

We forget that we’re human, that we have needs too. At some point, many of us wake up and wonder, Do I even have a life anymore? What do I enjoy? What feeds me? The concept of self-care feels foreign. That’s a huge reason to focus on parents—but it’s not the only reason.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: There are so many directions we could go with this. Just recently, I was coaching a group of parents of young adults, and one mom shared that she feels guilty if someone walks into the room and catches her lying down.

Diane Dempster: Yeah.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right? It’s like, I can’t even take a break or a nap without feeling guilty. And then another mom shared a great insight—we had this amazing conversation about how self-talk is a form of self-care. The way we speak to ourselves is so fundamental.

You and I always talk about self-care, and yeah, it can include massages and bubble baths, but it’s so much more than that, right?

Diane, I heard something this week that really stuck with me. You know how we always use the metaphor of putting your oxygen mask on first?

Diane Dempster: Yeah.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Well, here’s the thing that shocked me: we talk about it like it’s this abstract concept, but it’s actually so urgent. I was in a class, and someone pointed out that when the oxygen masks drop, you have eight seconds to get yours on before you’re potentially incapacitated. Eight seconds. If you don’t get yours on first, you won’t be able to get your kid’s on.

That urgency really hit me in a new way. It’s such a perfect metaphor for what happens when we’re parenting complex kids. We feel this constant fear, urgency, and pressure to make sure everything is okay—to make sure they’re okay. But when we bring that anxious energy into parenting, our kids feel it.

Diane Dempster: Yeah, exactly. And I’ll take it a step further. In a small group I was in today, we talked about this idea that so many of us don’t feel like we’ve done our job as parents unless certain things are happening with our kids.

Whether it’s getting good grades, being socially successful, or being “launched” into adulthood—whatever the specific goal is, we tie our value as parents to their outcomes.

But here’s the thing, parents: we can influence another human being’s outcome, but we can’t control it. Sure, you might think you have control over a younger child, but as they grow, you’ll realize you don’t.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right.

Diane Dempster: And if we base our value as humans on an outcome we ultimately can’t control, we’re setting ourselves up for failure.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yes, exactly. It’s such a setup. Talk about setting yourself up for disappointment.

Diane Dempster: Right? And at the same time, let’s circle back to something important. When you have a complex kid, the recommended treatment often includes something called behavior training, parent training, or behavior therapy. There are different terms for it, but essentially, it’s about training the parents to better support their kids.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yes, but I want to add that it’s not just about “training” the parent. It’s also about giving parents the skills and tools they need to navigate these challenges effectively.

Diane Dempster: Hold that thought—let’s take a quick break and then come back to dive deeper into what parent training actually is.

Diane Dempster: The first thing to remember is that we often forget about ourselves. We need to make sure we’re taking care of ourselves so that we can effectively take care of our kids.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Exactly. If we don’t put on our oxygen masks first, we can’t take care of our kids. One thing that also came up in the group today is how important it is to model self-care for our kids.

Diane Dempster: Yes.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Part of being a healthy adult is showing them that taking care of yourself is essential.

Diane Dempster: Right. So, the second reason we focus on parents instead of the kids is because of how recommended treatment works. Let’s talk about that.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Sure. What’s important about recommended treatment is that it includes parent training, and there are several key components to that.

One component is doing it in a group or community setting, where parents can connect with peers, share experiences, and realize they’re not alone. Another component is teaching parents skills—but it’s not just about skills. It’s also about shifting their mindset, helping them see their child’s challenges from a more supportive and productive perspective.

Finally, the training happens in an environment where a professional is present, so parents can receive feedback and guidance. These are the core elements of effective parent training: a supportive community, skill-building, mindset shifts, and professional feedback.

Diane Dempster: Research shows—

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Research shows—

Diane Dempster: —that outcomes improve for both kids and families. So, for those of you listening to podcasts or reading books—or even scrolling through the Internet at 4 a.m.—we’re not judging you! Those resources can be helpful, but they’re not the same as parent training.

What I hear from parents all the time is this: “I’ve gotten lots of great ideas from the Internet or podcasts, but I’m stuck when it comes to actually applying them.” Parent training helps bridge that gap. It’s about taking what you’re learning and applying it to your unique family system.

And that’s another reason we focus on parents. Every child is different, every challenge is unique, and parents know their kids best. We see them in their daily lives, at what’s called the “point of performance”—where the challenges are actually happening.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Exactly. And as you’re saying that, I’m thinking about how this isn’t just about tactics. It’s about understanding what’s underneath everything.

What’s underneath the behavior? What’s driving the tone of the home? What energy are we bringing to the situation? A big part of this is being present with our kids and their struggles without making their struggle our struggle. When we do that, we inadvertently make things worse.

If we can approach their struggles without judgment, shame, fear, worry, or embarrassment—all those emotions that compound the situation—we can actually help them navigate their challenges. That’s when they can start feeling healthier, more confident, and whole.

But if we’re constantly worried they can’t make it, they’ll pick up on that and start feeling the same way. That’s why it’s so important to shift our mindset. When we create an environment where they see their potential instead of feeling broken, they can truly thrive.

Diane Dempster: Well, I’m going to put it in more practical terms. I’m not disagreeing with you—absolutely not. But let’s say you’ve got a kid who’s struggling, right? This kid is having a hard time and needs help figuring out, What’s making this so hard for me?

If your child has executive function challenges, the question becomes: Do I accommodate the challenge, or do I teach the skill? The thing is, the child can’t make that decision on their own. That’s why we focus on parents.

First, you need to figure out what’s really going on from an executive function perspective. What’s the “challenge du jour”? Second, you ask, Is this the time to teach the child a skill they’re missing? Maybe it’s time to help them develop self-regulation, or maybe they’re not ready yet, and the better course of action is to accommodate the challenge.

Sometimes, the child doesn’t yet have the executive function capacity to do what we or their school want them to do—or even what they want to do. Parents have to discern: What’s the right course of action right now?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right. What’s needed in this moment?

Diane Dempster: Exactly. And once you figure that out, the next step is to take action. For example, does this child need help learning how to follow instructions, self-regulate big emotions, or turn in their homework? The question becomes: Are they ready to learn this skill, or do they need someone to assist them until they’re ready? That’s where the real work begins.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: And what helps us, as parents, to make those decisions?

Diane Dempster: Right.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: It’s about being calm and steady, being able to discern when to step in and when to step back. But to do that, we have to do our own inner work, as Seth Perler puts it.

Ultimately, we have to pay attention to the unintended impact we’re having on our kids. We need to remove that from the equation so we can truly be present for what our children need. That means being aware of how our stress, overwhelm, worry, or frustration is affecting them.

Now, that’s not to say we’re wrong for having those feelings—we’re human. Of course, we’ll feel stressed, worried, and frustrated. But we have to find ways to deal with those emotions so we can leave them “outside the room” when we’re with our kids. That’s when we can be calm, steady, confident, and fully present for them.

Diane Dempster: Exactly. And as I’m listening to us, I realize we’re talking about two different things. First, we focus on parents because parents need support in their role as parents. Period.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Period.

Diane Dempster: And second, we focus on parents when it comes to complex kids because these kids need their parents to support them in navigating their challenges.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: They need that support in a way that’s constructive and actually helpful. That’s a whole other conversation about when and how kids accept help, but—

Diane Dempster: We’ve got a whole other podcast for that!

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right. But the key here is that our kids often walk around carrying a lot of shame, guilt, and fear: Am I disappointing them? Am I failing?

At the same time, we as parents walk around with our own fears, worries, disappointments, and frustrations about our kids not meeting the expectations we had for them. All of that—on both sides—creates what you like to call a “hot mess” (technical term, of course).

But here’s the thing: we can work through that. If we slow down and pay attention to it, we can actually do something about it.

Diane Dempster: Well, I think part of the issue, Elaine, is that we keep framing it as, "Our child is the one who's struggling," so naturally, we pour all of our energy and effort into focusing on them, right?

But what we’re really calling attention to is this idea that there’s something you, as a parent, need to do to stay healthy, balanced, and prepared—everything you need to manage this role. And it’s crucial not to overlook that part of the equation. Most of us weren’t innately wired to be parents, especially in today’s complex world, and even less so when it comes to parenting the unique, complex kids we have.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right. And what jumps out at me as you’re saying that is something I wrote in a recent newsletter. We call it parenting for a reason—it’s not just about the kids; it’s also about the parent.

When I look at many traditional parenting programs, paradigms, and frameworks, they’re all focused on the child. It’s about changing the child’s behavior, directing it, or shaping it to perform in a certain way. And while we do want to help our kids—

Diane Dempster: —That’s the end goal.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Exactly, that’s where we’re headed. And we do get there! In my group today, for example, people were sharing amazing stories, saying, “Wow, things are really going well. I can’t believe how much progress we’ve made.” We absolutely get there, but we achieve it not by making our kids feel broken.

We get there by helping parents remove all the extra baggage—blame, shame, judgment—so they can be truly present with what their child is actually experiencing. It’s about addressing what’s real, without all the noise.

Diane Dempster: Absolutely. So, before we wrap up, is there anything else we want to add?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Diane, what’s your takeaway? What’s the bottom line for you here?

Diane Dempster: For me, the bottom line is to reflect on what part of this you, as a parent, can influence. And it’s not about blaming yourself or standing in front of the mirror thinking, “I’m failing as a parent.” Instead, it’s about asking, “What can I control about myself?”

It goes back to what we said earlier—you can’t control your child. But the good news is, you have significant influence over yourself—your thoughts, your reactions, and your approach. While we can’t control everything, we can influence ourselves in profound ways.

This should feel empowering. It might also feel a bit intimidating because it comes with responsibility, but don’t lose sight of the importance of your role. And equally, don’t neglect what you need as a parent to feel successful and fulfilled in that role.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: I love that. For me, what stands out is the perspective that the time we spend with our children when they’re young is typically the shortest period of our relationship with them. Ideally, we spend far more time with them as adults than we do as kids.

So, if we focus on how we’re setting them up to grow into the humans they’re meant to be, we shift the dynamic. It’s not about what we want from them, our expectations, or their performance—it’s about being present for who they are and supporting them in becoming their best selves.

Diane Dempster: Perfect.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: That was fun!

Diane Dempster: Before we close, let’s take a moment to reflect. What do you want to take away from this conversation?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: What’s the insight?

Diane Dempster: What’s one nugget, one realization, one action step you want to lean into?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Is there a commitment you’d like to make?

Diane Dempster: And as always, thank you for all you’re doing—for yourself and your kids. Remember, at the end of the day, you make a difference.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Take care, everybody.