Elaine Taylor-Klaus
This week is the fourth anniversary of the podcast, and today marks the 14th anniversary of the launch of our very first website, ImpactADHD.com, which went live on August 13, 2011, my birthday. So here we are 15 years into our relationship with each other, 14 years of ImpactADHD Impact Parents, and lots to celebrate.

Diane Dempster
Should we say “happy birthday”? We should say “happy birthday.” Even though when we are recording it it is not technically your birthday, today will be your birthday when listeners hear this.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
Well, if you are singing, I’ll take it.

Diane Dempster
Oh, I said, “Let’s celebrate.”

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
Say, “I’ll take it.”

Diane Dempster
Right. Y’all can sing. Y’all can imagine me singing, and we can move on.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
So what we thought we would do today, folks, is talk a little bit about celebration. We always talk about what’s worked, what hasn’t worked, what we will do differently, and the magic three questions. But we thought we’d start with how this has evolved: where we were when we started, where we are now, what’s changed, and maybe what hasn’t changed because that’s almost as interesting. So where do you want to start, Diane?

Diane Dempster
It’s funny because when you said that, I was reflecting on how deep into the struggle of parenting I was 14 years ago. We were just reflecting on everything that’s going on, and I have a new grandbaby. We talked about how hard the kids were when they were really little as we were having reflection time before recording. I was thinking about how immersed I was in fix-it mode, learning so much and feeling like I had to get more information—keyword: information. Right? I had already been through coach-approach training, so what I was doing naturally was balancing information with integration. I was doing it but not consciously; I was just doing it. I don’t think we understood that not getting stuck in information but moving into experimentation and action was part of what made things happen. There was a sense of “oh my gosh, we have to do something,” energy behind it because part of me thought we couldn’t survive like this. There was a lot of that kind of spinning in my head and like I—The generation, you’re right? Yeah.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
Sorry, I missed what you said. I cut you off. I was just hearing that energy of desperation that parents come to this with a lot.

Diane Dempster
I was balanced enough that I wasn’t freaking out, and I was still in that “we have to do something, let’s do something” mindset. Parents are struggling everywhere, and nothing we found was robust enough to support us effectively. When we met, we were at an international ADHD conference soaking up the information, and it really felt like it wasn’t enough. What comes to me now is that the reason it wasn’t enough is because information is not enough, folks. We can’t say that enough.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
Yeah, I think that’s very true. By the time you and I met, I had been a coach for a few years, and I think I had been dealing with complex kids even longer because my eldest child—I remember we talked about this a little while ago—the challenges we faced started at about two weeks, and there were lots of other things before we got to neurodiversity, lots of health issues that made life complicated. Right? And so I think, by the time we met, it’s funny when I think back, the first program we created was Minimized Meltdowns, and we talked about exactly this issue of prevention versus management. And I think I was very much in a “I can’t fix this, so I’ve got to learn to manage it” place already.

Right, because the information had not been helping enough. But becoming a coach and learning a coach-approach was helping, and it was changing the way I was communicating, which was ultimately changing what was going on for my kids. At that point, my youngest was about 9 or 10, and my eldest was about 15 years old. It was really interesting over the years to watch the differences in them depending on how young they were when exposed to coaching.

Diane Dempster
Yeah.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
I don’t think—for most parents who come into this world with us—what hasn’t changed is the fear and frustration energy that parents bring. Is that fair?

Diane Dempster
And the piece that comes on top of that is that it’s also about me. There are a lot of parents who struggle with their kids’ behavior. A lot of times, when people end up in our circle, they recognize on some level, “OK, yes, this is about my kid and their challenge, and I want to do something different to support them.” When I talk about my story with my kids, it’s like I knew their brains were wired differently. I knew there was something I was missing—my brain’s not wired like theirs—so I couldn’t figure out what the secret sauce was. But I knew there was something there and that I could do something to support them in their differentness. Does that make sense?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
Yeah. Yeah, totally makes sense. What we both found was that what we could do differently had to do with downregulating our emotional reactivity and communicating in a more effective, coach-approach way. And problem-solving differently, maybe.

Diane Dempster
The thing you just said about downregulating your own reactivity is one of the critical pieces in the thinking and the work. I was on the phone with a client this morning—just over and over again. It’s like, “OK. Yes, my kid is saying unacceptable things and they’re riling me up, and what do I do to get enough of a breath in a space so I can downregulate, co-regulate, and solve the problem?” That piece has become key because we’re dealing with the nervous system. I say this all the time: we’re all neurodiverse when we’re overwhelmed. We’re all neurodiverse when we’re afraid. We’re all neurodiverse when we’re worried. All those struggles our kids have—if we’re not in our right mind, we’re right there with them in the soup.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
Think about it: when we first started, nobody was talking about polyvagal theory, and people weren’t talking about our nervous systems being dysregulated.

Diane Dempster
We weren’t even talking about trauma explicitly or its breadth. People knew about it, but trauma-informed whatever was not on most people’s radar.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
When we first started this work, it was still ImpactADHD, right? Emotional regulation was not considered part of ADHD. We didn’t even yet have Dr. Brown’s research and other studies to show that it’s actually part of the executive function system, and that to manage emotional regulation, we have to be able to tap in.

Diane Dempster
Right, that we didn’t know. And I’m laughing because this year we redid— the first program we created was Minimized Meltdowns, and we redid it as a masterclass this year. I think about how much of the original Minimized Meltdowns was about little kids melting down and how much of this version is about regulating the nervous system of the entire family system. That’s a great indication of the evolution of this. What’s important is that lens of “What can we do? What part of this equation can we manage in our circle?” knowing there are things we can’t control.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
It’s our fourth year producing this podcast, and we’ve been talking about what the world was like when we started ImpactADHD back in 2011 and how much clearer we are now. It’s not that the issues have changed necessarily, but we understand them so much better, and we understand how important our role as parents is—and in what way, I think, differently from back then. I’m curious: we understand emotional dysregulation in the nervous system, and we’ve also learned a lot about how change happens. The notion that you just have to change it is an old-school thought, right? You don’t just change it because you know you should or you want to. Change is a complicated process, especially when we’re dealing with independent, autonomous human beings as our children. So what comes up for you around change?

Diane Dempster
The first thing I’ll say is there’s a connection back to dysregulation—because the minute we get overwhelmed or frustrated, we get into fix-it mode. So not only does it have to change, it has to change immediately, and I’m the only one who can change it. There’s this urgency: It has to change. If that thought is running through your head, it’s a good indication you’re overcome by emotions—whether overwhelm, worry, or frustration.

Pin that. That piece is important: How does change happen? What does change really look like? I was on the phone with a mom this morning with a 13-year-old, remembering back to when they were eight. The differences are significant, but the kid underneath still has the same struggles—the 13-year-old’s struggles look different than the eight-year-old’s. So part of what comes up for me when I think about change is that change doesn’t mean fixed.

It’s about looking at the process, not the outcome. So much of our world—our society, our goals—is like, “OK, I have to be done with this,” as opposed to, “Look at what’s happening. What’s changed? What’s the progress?” What’s up for you around change?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
For me, the biggest piece was understanding that the goal isn’t the structure. Everybody kept telling me I needed consistency, systems, and structures. I’m an adult with ADD who didn’t know it in the early years, so consistency and structures were hard for me. I thought the goal was the reward chart. I didn’t understand that the point of the reward chart was to help me—and to help my kid learn to manage their behaviors. That distinction is crucial: the goal is to help them manage themselves, and to help us manage ourselves. It’s not whether they do well on a test or whether every morning is smooth. The goal is to help them understand themselves—and us understand them—without shame or judgment, so they can begin to learn to manage themselves. That notion that change is acceptance and understanding took me a while to get clear on. It’s this meta-awareness of it, you know?

Diane Dempster
And what’s coming up as you’re describing that is the thing underneath the thing. Underneath a thing, right? It’s not just the system, and it’s not just the behavior we’re trying to change under the system, but it’s the executive function under the behavior. It’s all of that—getting really clear about what I’m focusing on and not just starting with the surface stuff.

Yeah, really going underneath. A lot of times, it’s not what’s going on with my kid but what’s really going on with me. I tell this story about myself all the time: we worry about getting out the door on time for school, but what’s really happening is I’m hearing my dad’s voice in my head, afraid I’ll get in trouble because my kids will be late. And it’s like, “Wait a second—Dad’s not here to get me in trouble. I’m 48 years old; I’m not going to get in trouble.” You have to have enough space, not just to have the vision for change but to know what you’re really trying to change. Does that make sense?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
Right, yes, it makes total sense. The other piece—you’re focused on you, rightfully so—is that we’ve grown to understand buy-in and motivation, the complexity and nuance of it. Part of parenting is that we can get compliance from our kids, but that’s not the same as getting them to buy into managing themselves and finding their own motivation. That’s the golden ticket: helping them be part of the solution or part of the management, because they’re the ones who really stand to benefit. If we can help them see the benefit—what’s in it for them—instead of just doing it to please us, especially as they become teenagers, that really shifts everything. That’s the enrollment of them in their life and the long-term goal we’re looking for.

Diane Dempster
When I think about what’s different now than 15 years ago, part of what’s evolved in our work is how to support older kids. Our Parents of Young Adults group is thriving now, and I don’t know that we would have been able to support them the way we do now back then. When we started as coaches, we were collaborative directors: bringing our kids in, making sure we heard their agenda, giving them agency, working with them. We were working with young teens and elementary-aged kids. Then we bumped into teenagers: they want even more agency; they don’t want us to tell them what to do, even though they need us to. Those are all the things we teach in the four roles of the parent. We evolved through that.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
Into collaborative supporters.

Diane Dempster
Then into supportive champions. That’s where I think both of us are now with our young adult kids, who never offer help unless someone asks for it. We try not to offer help without permission. But here’s the piece for those listening with younger kids in your circle: the tools you need when they’re little evolve into different ways of using them.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
I don’t know how else to say it. They’re the same tools; you just apply them differently. That’s why this works for parents of younger kids, teens, or older kids. The tools don’t change, but which ones you choose—or how you use them—changes as the kids get older. Helping them understand motivation: when they’re younger, you might provide the motivation, and as they get older, you help them find their own motivation. Certainly the tools we use—ACE, The Design, Permission Breadcrumbs—are the same for all ages, but you might ask permission more with a 17-year-old than with a 7-year-old. You’ll apply them differently. Before we wrap, I want to mention how dramatically the world has changed in terms of technology.

When we first started, we were still in the early years. My joke is only one of my kids is older than Google. We were early adopters of technology because we went online immediately at an early stage. But what families are dealing with now is so much more pervasive than when our kids were younger. Yet the same tools apply. One thing we learned is if we don’t treat technology as if it’s completely different and recognize it as another conversation and relationship with our kids that we guide them into, we can navigate it better than if we assume it’s totally different. So the world is different, but the conversation is still the same: parenting from director to collaborator, supporter to champion.

Diane Dempster
What’s coming up around this is the world is moving faster. That tendency of “I’ve got to fix this, I’ve got to move this, I’ve got to keep up.” A parent of a 13-year-old said, “My kid was doing something dangerous on her phone. I just took her phone away.” And I said, “OK, are you open to a conversation about when she’ll get it back or how she’ll manage it?”

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
Be in relationship with that. Our tendency is to shut it down, but this is the world we’re raising kids in, not the world we were raised in. Even the youngest among us are not raising kids in the world we grew up in. We have to adapt, and the coaching tools give us the capacity to adapt to the world we’re in, instead of the world we want to be in or hoped we would be in. Another theme is being with the kid we’ve got, instead of trying to parent the kid we wished we had. That acceptance is always a through line in our community.

Diane Dempster
Well, I think that’s how I want to close this: so many things have changed and evolved, and so many things have not changed. I love that. We were presenting our model recently, and I realized we really haven’t changed much—just two tiny things in the last 15 years—and it’s still solid change management, neurodiversity-informed. Wherever you’re struggling, whether you have a 22-year-old or a 7-year-old, this works for everyone.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
Yeah—starting with us. It’s been an amazing journey. I want to celebrate that you and I have had the privilege of supporting parents on six continents—in hundreds of countries, hundreds of thousands of parents. That’s extraordinary. This is just the beginning of bringing the way we practice neurodiversity-informed coaching into the world. I was talking with Cindy Goldrich the other day; we were early in this work, and now so many people are doing it. It’s such a powerful way to be in relationship with kids.

I’d like to wrap by inviting those listening to trust the process of this approach to relationship. I told my kids over the weekend that the biggest change in my parenting was trusting and seeing the possibility of what they could do instead of only looking at what they couldn’t. Coaching gave me that access to see what was possible and invite them in. My reminder to you is: you’re listening because something about this resonates with you and because you want a strong, healthy, strength-based relationship with your kids. We love that you’re part of this journey with us—that’s what it’s all about.

Diane Dempster
The moment you shift from “this is a problem to fix” to “this is a lifetime to share,” that changes everything. It doesn’t mean we won’t have challenges or hard times, but if it’s not a problem to fix—and we’re downregulated enough to ask, “How do I address what’s going on with grace, compassion, and my own head on straight?”—that can make all the difference.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
Our journey is to be with them on their journey and to be self-regulated, engaged, and compassionate along the way. All right, my friends—thanks for tuning in and sharing this reflection moment with us. We appreciate you being part of the community, and we’ll see you in the next conversation. Bye, everybody.