Yulia Rafailova
Dan and I found each other through a mutual friend who recognized during the pandemic that we were all feeling a little isolated and needing some support, so put together a little once-a-month mastermind. Soon after that, Dan and I realized we both wanted to solve a similar problem in the world: we were both getting calls from parents of teens and young adults worrying about their futures and wondering if we can help their kids develop executive function skills. What Dan and I really partnered together to do is support parents earlier as their kids are growing up, so they can intervene before you need a coach in high school or college and feel empowered to create the types of routines at home—the scaffolding and the understanding—to help their kids build executive function skills.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
Yeah. I feel that. Anything you wanna add, Dan?

Dan Leibowitz, M.Ed., M.Sped., C.E.T.
Yeah, thanks. I think what I would add is that we are using a model of self-regulation that my dear friend and colleague, Dr. Merrill Lipton, helped me refine, and it's comprised of three parts. The first is emotional self-regulation, which steers the ship. The second part of self-regulation has to do with attention self-regulation—how the environment and the neurology come together to support attention. And the third part of self-regulation are the procedures: how you organize, get stuff done, and transition. Daily life is full of hundreds of transitions. So we use this model first and foremost as a springboard for all of our conversation and scaffolds. By focusing on that today, we hope to help families at home make some helpful changes in some of the patterns they're experiencing.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
I hear that you have a tool, and before we get to the tool, let's pull back and set the context for the tool, OK? Because the other thing I heard you say is that you were both experiencing parents of teenagers who, by the time they got to you, it felt like they were in crisis. Maybe they were, maybe they weren't. But it certainly felt like that to them. And I know we have that experience, and as our team of coaches, we laugh about how sometimes our job is to help them realize when it's really a crisis and when it's not. Because you were experiencing that, the goal here is to pull back and start earlier and ask: what's happening in the family dynamic that you could address in the tween years to set them up for success in the teen years and prevent some of that? Is that what I'm hearing?

Yulia Rafailova
Yes. And more so beyond that, there's a belief I think parents have when they reach out to a coach that they can take a step back and invite the coach to take a step in and do the work. Right. We really want to help parents understand that it's the flip side that's true: we can help train the parents better to help train the kids' executive function skills are lifelong skills, and parents have the most influence.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
Right?

Dan Leibowitz, M.Ed., M.Sped., C.E.T.
Mm-hmm. And so—

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
There's this notion that parents will come in and say, “Here, you do it. Return,” right? What you're really speaking to is the relationship and the dynamic, and the engagement—what's happening in all of those conversations between the parent and the kid—that is so important.

Dan Leibowitz, M.Ed., M.Sped., C.E.T.
In all of those moments, day in and day out, how are parents the architects of spaces, the architects of interactions, of routines in such a way that they are literally sowing the seeds of self-regulation—particularly emotional self-regulation—in order to have more calm, more productivity, and more enjoyment?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
Yeah, so before we talk about parents sowing an environment of calm self-regulation, let's talk about parents who are struggling with their own self-regulation, because that's really often what's setting the tone of the home. I think parents don't realize the extent to which they are setting the tone of the home that way. Does that resonate for you in what you're experiencing?

Dan Leibowitz, M.Ed., M.Sped., C.E.T.
Very much so. It reminds me of something I learned early on in my teacher training: kids remember ultimately much less of what you say; they remember everything about how you make them feel. That has to do with energy, and it starts with ourselves in cultivating that self-awareness. Our favorite slide is know thyself. And this is trainable. It's a practice like yoga, like meditation. Cultivating that awareness can be tricky, but starting there—that’s where change happens.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
Yeah. The way we say it is, “The change you want for them starts with you.” Right, so what you've identified is that if you can help parents begin to recognize their role in the dynamic and pause, you can help them begin to shift the dynamic. So talk a little bit about that pause, because I think that a lot of parents of complex kids—I know what we hear, and I'm sure you do too—is “I don't have enough time. I can't do this. What's meditating gonna have to do with my kids?” Talk a little bit about the connection between pause and presence to the kids.

Yulia Rafailova
I'll say one thing, Dan, about the pause. We know how important it is to master that skill, and it is a skill. One thing we wanted to do was help parents come into community and practice pausing with us. Dan and I thought it was important to play and have fun and make it light—to talk about serious things without having to be so serious. One of the ways we want to help embody the pause is by coming together and modeling what it's like to do that and to plug into the group's energy and recharge. Part of pausing is, yes, to develop that awareness, but also to actually stop what you are doing and talk about it in a different way, where we're not just—what one parent said—“drowning in information.” When we come together to pause, we can see more clearly some of the details of the situation and find one little teeny-tiny opportunity to make a small shift, rather than feeling like we have to turn the whole ship around.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
Yeah. It takes time to turn the ship. But little, tiny 1% increments are gonna turn the ship 35 degrees in a year, or whatever that math is. How do parents respond to that? Do you see that parents are seeking the pause, or that parents are acquiescing to the pause? What's the—

Dan Leibowitz, M.Ed., M.Sped., C.E.T.
You remind me of a conversation recently with one of our participant members in Europe who realized—by participating in the pause and cultivating the pause and practicing the pause in conjunction with some of the tools—that in the situations that are tricky, it's actually her. She looked at us one day and said, “I realized it's actually me. My son doesn't know if I mean it or not.” Using some information about authoritative parenting and routines, she learned how to make some shifts, which then created the change she was after. Life is so busy, so hectic, and so much happens so quickly in our homes that we can get reactive. By sharing with parents that there is this opportunity to pause, while providing some tools to use in these tricky situations, that's how they're using it.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
So we're gonna take a quick break, and then we're gonna come back, and I have a question for you. My guests are Yulia and Dan, and we are from Pause People Coaching. The question I wanna ask you is: What do you want parents of—of what we call complex kids—you’re dealing with parents of tweens with ADHD specifically—what do you want them to understand better about their kids? What are they missing?

Dan Leibowitz, M.Ed., M.Sped., C.E.T.
I would like to share that, as an educator, in every classroom there are all kinds of students, all kinds of minds, diagnoses—but one thing everyone in the classroom shares—kids, adults, teachers, administrators—is strengths and weaknesses around these executive function skills, self-regulation skills regarding attention, procedure, and emotional self-regulation. The more we realize it's not just our ADHD kid with these problems that we need to figure out, the more parents can understand we're all in this together. There are moments when I demonstrate real deficits in these ways. By the way, when I do, I apologize and I model repair, cuz that's the only thing I can get right all the time. By doing so, we realize this is a team effort, and that in itself creates a lot of positive shifts.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
Well, Yulia, you looked like you wanted to say something.

Yulia Rafailova
I wanna add to what Dan said. Something that one of our members said—and she’s shown up to every single cohort, by the way. You asked, are they excited for this? Yes—“My goodness, I can't wait to show up.” She said, “Oh my goodness, I realized I don't need a PhD in this to be able to do it.” It's that we have helped her boil things down to what is necessary in that moment, and that because they're able to interact more effectively in the moments that they're trying to solve problems together, there's so much time that opens up for really high-quality interactions that are so missing. And it's through those moments of connection where you have the most influence.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
So what I'm hearing—and it's an echo for us because, quintessentially—when you bring this coaching mindset, this neuro-informed coach-approach mindset, what you're saying is: OK, parents, if we lean into the relationship, we connect with our kids, we build some trust, we can be present with them so that when there's something going on, we have the capacity to problem-solve with each other instead of react, react, react, react. Yeah, and it sounded like you have some frameworks that you've used. There are three different ways that you look at focus on self-regulation.

Dan Leibowitz, M.Ed., M.Sped., C.E.T.
It's true, thank you. And again, this is my good friend, Dr. Merrill Lipton, who helped me refine my thinking on this and self-regulation, the model. And by the way, it's happening in all of these situations and moments throughout our day. We encourage our cohort members to see situations through the lens of this model because, by doing so, you can understand and keep your finger on the pulse of the emotional. You can keep your finger on the pulse of: What does my kid need organizationally? How can I help be an architect of the setting to support the outcome I want? And how can I help focus my kid's attention and my attention? What I want to happen—and by looking at it through these three braids of the model: attention regulation, procedural regulation, and emotional regulation.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
Can I interject for a second? Just listening to your language—where does what the kid wants to happen come into that conversation?

Dan Leibowitz, M.Ed., M.Sped., C.E.T.
Yulia, would you like to respond?

Yulia Rafailova
Well, through the model—when we look at this model: emotion, procedure, attention—we first look at ourselves. What do I need? Do I need to regulate my emotions? Is there some procedural thing that's missing here? Or where's my attention going? That allows the parent to pause and have some self-awareness there. And then also have awareness of what's up with the kid right now in this situation. Is this an emotional thing? Is this a procedural thing? Is this an attention thing? And once they're able to put their finger on the pulse there, that's when they can invite the child to figure out: “OK, what is it that you need right now to help you feel better or have more clarity or pay better attention?” So it is a collaborative process, and that's why we bring in our other model of authoritative parenting that says, “Hey, and pay attention to how you're showing up here,” because we wanna have a combination of having high expectations but also with a lot of support and a lot of warmth, so that it's a collaborative “Hey, let's do this together” process, and we're gonna co-regulate.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
So I hear co-regulation; I hear emotional regulation. And I wanna maybe ask to pull away from the model for a minute, and let's just talk about: What do we understand that is important—what are the important components to create a procedure or system, a process, whatever you wanna call it—that's gonna be effective for a tween? What do you see that's essential for that to work?

Yulia Rafailova
There’s one thing I say every single time, which is the question—the metaphor that I like to use: Who’s driving the car? OK. Who’s driving the car? If I’m a passenger in the car, and we’re on a big trip, I don’t have to pay attention to where we’re going, how long it’s gonna take to get there, what the strategy is, how much we need, blah, blah, blah. My brain is shut off. So if you’re a parent driving the car for your kid’s executive function, then you’re doing all the work for them, right? So first thing is: Who’s—if your kid were sitting in that driver’s seat and you were facilitating their ability to get to where they needed to go, they would be the ones making decisions. You would be the one helping them to think through the outcomes of certain decisions, but ultimately inviting them to make appropriate decisions for what they’re gonna do so that they can use their executive brain to imagine themselves doing the thing in the future, which is where the impairment lies. So, helping your kid take ownership and allowing them the ability to make those decisions for themselves.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
So I wanna play with y’all a little bit, cuz I’ve done a lot of thinking and learning on it just this year—the distinction between buy-in and ownership. So what you’re talking about is that shift from the kid may agree to it, to the kid actually takes the lead in it and now it’s theirs. Your language is “Who’s driving the car?” Mine is, “Whose agenda is it?” Right. So what I’m hearing you saying is if we are creating everything and putting it in place and directing it, then it’s not really theirs, right?

Yulia Rafailova
Or you’re just asking them to comply, right? When you give a kid a direction, you’re giving them a choice to either comply with you—and there might be some resentment around that, but they might, but they’re not learning—or they might choose to defy you, which is what I did a lot and got into lots of explosive-type situations with my parents.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
Yeah. Defy or comply—there’s a good title in there somewhere. OK, so there’s a piece here that’s about really getting really clear that they have a sense of ownership. So what if they don’t—I mean, a lot of 9, 10, 11-year-olds may not. OK. So how do you facilitate ownership?

Yulia Rafailova
Wonder, Dan, if you wanna lean into that one.

Dan Leibowitz, M.Ed., M.Sped., C.E.T
Sure. I think that gets into the procedural piece of our model of executive function. Oftentimes, as an educator, I’ve seen there’s very often bright, capable kids who haven’t necessarily been taught how to do things in ways that work for them—high tech, low tech, mindsets even. And I think playfulness is really important, because when it’s playful and when it’s light, people are—their minds are open, their hearts are open, their energy is open, and that’s when we can begin to make even small inroads. You catch ’em being good, you high-five along the way. Maybe you make some popcorn to sustain some arousal during a difficult task.

Dan Leibowitz, M.Ed., M.Sped., C.E.T
But by scaffolding, to use an educational term, as early as possible—coupled with the belief that you can do just about anything—it’s me who’s getting in the way of allowing you to do this. And that starts early. Those two things together can hopefully cultivate this sense of agency. But if it’s lagging, I think it’s about lightheartedness, support, agreement. And if you look at this through the lens of executive function, look at that moment where you want them to maybe develop some agency. That model will, I think, help parents rise to the occasion. Maybe they’re not ready for it. They’re tired, they’re frustrated. OK, pause. Not gonna do this now. Yeah. I feel they’re feeling better. And then be sure they have everything they need to be successful, and set a timer for 2 or 3 minutes.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
So there’s something you said that I think is so essential. There’s this kernel in there, which is about belief—about a parent’s believing. You know, whether the kid can, or whether the kid can’t, that tends to be what happens. And what I think I heard you say in there is that it’s not just stepping out, pulling outta the way and letting them do it, but it’s making sure they know you believe they can. Speak to that a little bit, Yulia.

Yulia Rafailova
I wonder if Dan has something to follow up on.

Dan Leibowitz, M.Ed., M.Sped., C.E.T
I’ll be happy to, and then maybe Yulia, you can follow up. I think that’s the trust, that’s the quality of the relationship, that’s the quality time, that’s the patience that you cultivate over time. By catching ’em being good and rewarding them for all the little things they’re doing right, it provides a psychological boost, an emotional boost—a state of being that is oriented toward more of what we want. That’s how I think about it. It’s really—like in every classroom—first and foremost an emotional connection. How does the student feel? And from there you make a plan.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
So I hear that. And what I hear you describing is how parents communicate that to their kids. I think what I’m pointing to is: What’s the guideline, what’s your insight for what do you do with the parents who may not believe it yet? I mean, parents come very often really worried that “my kid can’t do this.” They don’t have the executive function. I don’t think they can, and the kids feel that. And so part of what you’re trying to do is to help parents shift what they’re unintentionally communicating. So how do you address the parents who may not yet believe that their kids do have this capacity?

Yulia Rafailova
For me, I think there’s value in helping parents look backwards in time and identify how far their kids have come in lots of different ways. I think a lot of it is about reminding them how much they have grown—what is easy for them to do now that maybe was really difficult or seemed impossible. And what I find is there are lots of examples that come up. But that belief—that deep feeling of belief that they might not have in their kid—isn’t necessarily true, although it feels real. Let’s explore how true that is. I also like to talk about projecting from right now into the future, and how that’s like looking at a tomato that’s very green and small on a vine and saying, “Oh no, how will this tomato get to my sandwich? It’s gonna fail.” So just not projecting out what the present is, because developmentally there’s so much runway. Right. And then remembering all the progress that both you and your child have made up until this point. I think it just reconnects us to those feelings of capacity, capability.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
I love the green tomato. I'm thinking about 15 years ago, I had a client, I still remember, she had an older daughter and a 12-year-old with ADHD, and she was very concerned that the 12-year-old with ADHD was leaving crumbs on the floor when she was watching television, that she was never gonna be able to have her own apartment. That fearing-forward catastrophize seems like, is that really true? Raising that awareness to the ways in which we are afraid for them. And so that leads us to behave now in ways that may not be as helpful for them, because they need us to see what they can do, not what they can't do.

Dan Leibowitz, M.Ed., M.Sped., C.E.T
Mm-hmm. That's good. One of our favorite slides is “know thyself,” as I said, because a lot of this work, as you noted earlier, Elaine, begins with us.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
Indeed. Well, my friends, we need to press a pause on the conversation. Hard to believe, and here we are. So if you wanna find out more about Dan and Yulia and the work they're doing at Pause People Coaching, you can go to https://pausepeoplecoaching.com. You can also reach Dan at dan@innovativelearningservices.com and Yulia at yulia@mindfuleducation.com. And their work together is at https://pausepeoplecoaching.com. As we wrap up the conversation, what have we not talked about that you wanted to make sure we hit? Or is there something we did talk about you wanna really highlight and bring home for people? Dan, why don't you start?

Dan Leibowitz, M.Ed., M.Sped., C.E.T
I think that what's really helpful is a set of reliable resources that kind of transcends spaces and times. This model of self-regulation is a really reliable resource in terms of a starting point from which to assess your strengths and weaknesses, your family's strengths and weaknesses, where things come up in the household, and then problem-solve from there. Awesome.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
Yulia, what do you wanna add?

Yulia Rafailova
I definitely wanna add that we wanna send you a visual of this to share so that as the audience is listening, they can reference it. But one thing we didn't talk about is having your own, as a parent, your own visuals in your environment is so, so, so important. The things you're learning are easy to forget, and to make yourself at home a little mission control center where you can go check back in with the visual model or whatever reminders—those quotes that you love. Have a little place that lives and breathes in your home, a little altar to your systems, and model that for you.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
Analyze your own systems for yourself, right? I love that. One of my favorite things over the years is when parents will send us where they've taken stuff they've learned from trainings, and you see it up on their kitchen counters or their bathroom mirrors—like that notion of we're not expected to know this stuff right away. My joke, and it's true, is that our model was on my bulletin board for about eight years before I finally remembered it without a visual cue. So I love that—externalize your own memory and your own supports and your own resources, whatever it is that inspires you. Whether it's their model or a quote, what is it that grounds you? For me, I used to wear a necklace—it was that simple—that said, in Hebrew, Gam Zeh; in English, it meant “this too shall pass.” And it got me through everything. So what is it for you that lands you, grounds you, brings you present, and helps you use the tools that you've been doing so much work as parents learning?

Dan Leibowitz, M.Ed., M.Sped., C.E.T
Especially in those tricky moments when we are prone to be reactive. It is in those moments where these visual tools become really important because it gives us the opportunity to pause. By doing so, we can implement.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
Well, the underlying assumption of everything y'all are about—which is what I really wanna bring home for people—is that there's every good reason for us to be emotionally struggling and reactive as parents. And so giving ourselves permission to pause and slow down and remind ourselves to take care of ourselves and manage ourselves first—this is not a joke. That whole “put your oxygen mask on first” is not a luxury. It's an absolute necessity for the health of you and your relationship with your kids and your family dynamic.

Yulia Rafailova
It's true.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
Practice.

Yulia Rafailova
It's a practice. Practice.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus
Love it. Well, thank you, folks, so much for being here. My guests have been Yulia Rafailova and Dan Leibowitz from Pause People Coaching, and their links and resources are all in the show notes if you wanna find out more. So, thanks for what you're doing and thanks for being here and sharing it with our community. Really appreciate it.

Thank you for having us.

Thank you.

My pleasure. And for those of you listening, tuning in, you're here because you care, because you're engaged, because what you do matters, and you know that. So thanks for doing what you're doing for yourself and for your kids. And ask yourself for a moment—take a moment and ask—what are you taking away from this conversation? What's your insight, your awareness, your A-ha, and maybe how do you wanna bring that forward with you into your life in the coming week? How do you wanna apply that learning? There's tons of information out there—how do you wanna integrate it and implement it? That's the magic, right? So what are you aware of now that you weren't aware of half an hour ago, and how might you apply that in the coming week?

And again, my friends, thank you. As always, what you're doing makes an enormous difference—never doubt that for a second—and we will see you on the next conversation. Take care, everyone.