Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Welcome back, everyone, to another conversation on the Parenting with Impact podcast. I’m excited to begin a three-part series, and today, I’m welcoming our first guest in this series, John Paul Simon. John Paul, thank you so much for being here. I really appreciate it.

John Paul Simon: Absolutely. Thanks for having me, Elaine.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: You’ll be able to read more about John Paul in the show notes, and I’ll have him explain how he ended up here. But I want to set the stage for this conversation. I’m doing this three-part series because it has come to my attention that there are a lot of people in our community whose kids are struggling with online exposure to adult material. Many kids are being exposed at an early age and experiencing it regularly.

I recently came across a statistic that shocked me—eight out of ten teenage boys are using online pornography every day. That really struck me, and we’re going to do some more research to ensure we have accurate statistics.

We’ve worked hard to provide some excellent resources for you, so I’m very excited to have this first conversation, with John Paul Simon from New Jersey. He’s going to share his background and what brings him into this conversation today.

This is such an important, authentic conversation, especially because I know how hard it can be as a parent to talk to our kids about these issues. It’s awkward and uncomfortable, but it’s also vital. My son, who’s 23, recently said to me, “Mom, there’s not a kid my age who hasn’t been traumatized by the Internet.” That really resonated with me. With everything else we've dealt with in the past few years, especially the pandemic, I don’t want us to lose sight of how critical it is to address these issues that often fly under the radar simply because no one wants to talk about them.

So, we’re going to have some candid conversations today. John Paul, thank you again for being here. Let’s start by having you give people a sense of what you do, your background, and what brings you to this conversation. Why are you the right person to kick off this series?

John Paul Simon: Sure, and thanks again for having me. I’m really excited for the kickoff. This is a conversation many of us know needs to happen but can be scary or uncomfortable. I’m definitely ready to dive in today.

As I mentioned, I’m John Paul Simon, and I’m from the greater Bergen County area in New Jersey. I wear a lot of hats professionally, so I’ll keep it brief. I’m proud to say I work for Care Plus New Jersey, based in Paramus, which is one of the largest community mental health agencies in Bergen County. We serve a variety of towns, cities, and counties in northern New Jersey.

Throughout my career, I’ve worked with adolescents, as well as their parents and caregivers. Sometimes people forget that parents and families play a huge role in a child’s development, both in school and in the community. More recently, I became involved in the New Jersey Statewide Student Support Services initiative, a statewide initiative launched in September. It’s a multimillion-dollar grant designed to make mental health and prevention-based services accessible to every public school district in New Jersey. And that brings us to today’s conversation.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: I love it. So, let’s dive into the conversation. Before we started recording, we decided to look at this issue from different perspectives, based on different ages and stages. John Paul’s focus is primarily on prevention. When addressing any issue, we always think in terms of prevention and management. So, today, we’re focusing on prevention—how we can support our kids at various stages of development, especially when there’s so much out there that is developmentally harmful for them.

Sure, we can set up online controls, but we all know kids are smart and resourceful. If they want to find a way around it, they likely will. So, where would you like to start this conversation?

John Paul Simon: Yes, let’s start at the beginning. I’m still shocked to see little three- and four-year-olds walking around with iPads, navigating them far better than I ever could.

But it just goes to show that it’s not just about how well they navigate, but how early technology is introduced to our kids. So, taking time to look at internet and tech usage through each developmental stage is really important.

I know some parents might say, "John Paul, I’m not giving my kid an iPad or smartphone at three or four," but ultimately, even if you don’t, those kids can still come into contact with access.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: So, what I think I’m hearing you say is that starting at the beginning means paying attention even when they’re very little, when we give them devices, and making sure we have the necessary controls in place before we hand them over. Is that right?

John Paul Simon: Absolutely. When we think about prevention, many people think of full abstinence, right? The idea is that the best way to keep my child safe from danger is to completely bar them from technology or not provide that access at all.

But I think even before that, and you mentioned it with your son, the Internet isn’t that old. When it first came out—I'm not going to make any jokes about our former vice president inventing it or anything like that—it almost felt like this strange frontier with no roadmap. The chance of stumbling across something harmful was higher than finding something useful.

But we’re at a point now where the Internet does come with a warning label, and parents, caregivers, and adults who interact with kids need to pay attention. Here’s a piece of advice that seems logical and commonsensical: read the care label.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Okay.

John Paul Simon: Read the instructions and follow them. A lot of times, simply dismissing the Internet or tech as something "dangerous" or "harmful" can unintentionally downplay the positive aspects of it. There’s good and bad to everything.

So, starting at the beginning is crucial. Especially at a foundational age, a solid foundation equals prevention. If you start your kid off with the understanding that this is a responsibility, this is a tool, here are the benefits, here are the risks, and here are the side effects, I think you’re in a good place.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: When you say, "This is a responsibility, this is a tool," we talk about that with teenagers and cars. When we give a little kid a device—whether they’re very young or even in elementary school—it’s often used as a kind of babysitter.

There are two sides to the coin. On one hand, it makes our lives easier. On the other, you’re saying we need to make sure they see it as a privilege and responsibility.

John Paul Simon: Absolutely. You’re spot on. I think this is a great point to bring up, because the go-to critique of some parents is, "You’re giving your kid an iPad so they can watch Paw Patrol for hours."

Sure, there’s a convenience factor. Maybe you need to sit your kid down so they don’t tear the restaurant apart, or maybe you’re on a long drive, and it helps keep them sane before you go on a hike. There’s value to that.

But I think it’s also important to acknowledge that when you hand your child a device, you’re giving them something that doesn’t negate your role as a parent. It doesn’t take away your role as the decision-maker.

It’s a bit of a separation, and while it might seem like common sense, it really needs to be reinforced: your iPad is not your babysitter, and your iPad is not a substitute for being an actual parent. If you’re there to say, "We’re going to spend some time with this before I leave you on your own," that’s much better than just handing it over coldly without any interaction.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: So when you're thinking about this, what age are we talking about in terms of preparing our kids for how they're using technology?

John Paul Simon: The old-fashioned part of me wants to say, you should wait until they're in fifth grade, when they're just finishing elementary school and ready to step into middle school. Because, for parents out there, we all know that middle school is the new high school.

Kids have inherited many of the stressors that used to be associated with high school. The drama that was once exclusive to high school has now entered middle school. But let's be realistic. If we consider fifth grade as the bare minimum, go into any elementary school across the country, and you’ll see a push for STEM and technology.

Even in first grade, kids have access to technology, even if they aren't the ones driving it. Walk into a kindergarten classroom, and you’ll find a smart board there.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: So the problem isn't the technology itself, then. What's the real issue you're addressing that we might not be focusing on?

John Paul Simon: I think it’s about ownership.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Ownership of their ability to access it unfettered?

John Paul Simon: Exactly. It's about being prepared. Again, it's that preparation piece. If you've ever been in the Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts, one of the main skills you learn is preparation. It’s about preparing your child to interact with this tool, preparing them for the fact that their hands will be engaging with it. Forget the technology for a second.

It's the same kind of conversation I had when I first learned about Play-Doh, my GI Joe toys, or little green army men. There was always a conversation around how to use them. Don’t eat the Play-Doh, right? Or don’t put a Lite-Brite piece in your ear—it might get stuck. These are all parallel, archetypal conversations that parents have with their children.

Technology may seem unknown, but in many ways, it's not that different. And I hope this perspective can help alleviate some of the anxiety parents experience when they ask themselves questions like, How do I know I'm having the right conversation? Am I doing the right thing?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: That’s great. So, what I hear you saying is that for parents of younger kids, there's a need to recognize that we are giving them something powerful, and we need to have proactive, preparatory conversations with them about these devices. We need to be in ongoing conversation with them about how they're using these tools, right?

John Paul Simon: Yes, absolutely.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Great. So, let's take a quick break, and when we come back, we’ll shift our focus to parents of pre-adolescents and adolescents and talk about how the conversation changes as kids reach fifth grade and beyond.

[After Break]

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Welcome back, everyone. My guest is John Paul Simon, and we're talking about healthy access to technology and how to approach conversations about inappropriate content on the internet.

We’ve covered younger kids and elementary-age children. Now, as we move into pre-adolescence and adolescence, how do these conversations need to evolve for parents? Today's discussion is preventive—what should parents be thinking about in relation to these younger age groups?

John Paul Simon: I definitely want to take a moment to remind parents that in this journey of life, there are certain milestones and markers to be aware of. For pre-adolescents, it’s important to truly honor the fact that there are biological and chemical shifts occurring during puberty. These shifts may amplify their drive to seek, act, and think in different ways.

While we shouldn't absolve technology of its responsibility, one way to guide your approach is to consider where your child is in their life journey and how their environment influences them—whether that’s their life stage, community, or school. Just be mindful of that.

Sometimes parents say, Not my child or This doesn’t happen here. Well, because of globalization and internet access, many of those boundaries no longer exist. Learning and experiences can happen instantaneously, even in places that seem like nowhere, USA.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Even in nowhere, USA. So, when we’re talking about pre-adolescence, we're talking about kids roughly between the ages of 10 to 14, right?

John Paul Simon: Yep. It's that volatile, in-between phase. They’re still children, but they're also very close to becoming teens—what we call the preteen stage.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right. So, for these kids, what I think I’m hearing you say is that we need to keep our heads out of the sand and understand that, based on what’s happening with them biologically, they may start seeking things we don't even expect them to be thinking about yet.

John Paul Simon: Exactly. And I don’t want to call pre-adolescence a traumatic time, though it can feel that way for both the kids and the parents. Trauma and transition are sometimes interchangeable. Just being aware that your child, depending on what grade they’re in, is facing multiple transitions in their life.

Access to technology might speed up that volatility, or it could serve as a tool to help guide them through it. But, outside the screen, it’s a very shaky time in a young child's life.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right. So it’s a very shaky time, and even if you think your kid is “so good” and not dealing with any of this, all kids will start to have some exposure to these issues because, even if your child isn’t seeking it, other kids will begin to seek out this kind of material. So let’s be clear about what we’re talking about here. What are we worried about them seeing?

John Paul Simon: There’s a generational split when it comes to this issue. In my experience as a school-based therapist, I would be shocked—though some of your listeners might be too—at how often kids this age don’t just stumble upon adult material online, whether through a Google search or an image search. They end up on websites intended for adults.

And again, I’m not trying to scare anyone, but I’ve been called in to address situations where students are engaging in incidents involving photos of themselves or their classmates being shared. As a nation, we have this complicated history around discussing sexual health.

I know that’s not the main focus today, but it’s a parallel issue. Because I promise you, if you’re not having these conversations with your child, someone else will.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: And I don’t want to take sexual health off the table for this conversation, because I agree with you. I think it’s an important context. If kids are raised in a world that tells them their sexuality is shameful, that their bodies are shameful, that shame will only be reinforced when they inevitably encounter exposures that we don’t expect. So, what’s the message you want parents to be giving their kids at this age?

John Paul Simon: I’ll start with a very general statement: Fight information with information.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Okay.

John Paul Simon: The internet and technology are tools. If you don’t set clear boundaries and expectations for your child, it’ll be like the Wild West—just like it was in Al Gore’s time. As a parent, you need to prepare your child by saying, “This is what exists on the web, and here are our family’s rules around it.

These are my expectations as a parent.” I love that you're a coach, so I’m going to try to sound like one right now. In therapy, especially family therapy, I encourage parents to focus on values rather than just behaviors when reprimanding their children.

So, when they make a mistake or get caught, the message I hope parents send is, “That’s not who we are.”

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah.

John Paul Simon: That’s not what we do. Or, more recently, I’ve leaned into saying, “You’re better than that. We’re better than that.” And then you go from there.

If you go back to the chapter before the break, when we talk about what we learn during early childhood, you’ll see the foundational core beliefs you’ve established about the usage of this tool. When we use technology, it should be something helpful. The key question is, Is this helpful, or is it harmful?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: So, there are really two aspects here. When they’re younger, we start talking to them about technology as a tool and how to use it consciously. But as they move into pre-adolescence, you’re not just talking about using the tool consciously, but also how to avoid harm. And I’m aware that kids don’t always see the potential harm.

They don’t understand how it can be harmful. I also know a lot of parents worry about talking to their kids about these issues because they’re afraid of planting ideas in their heads—of making them curious about things they hadn’t considered before.

John Paul Simon: Sure.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: So how do you address that concern?

John Paul Simon: Well, as I mentioned earlier, if you're not talking about it, someone else is. One approach I like in therapy is the narrative approach, where there’s always a story being written. If you don’t take ownership of the pen, someone else will write that story for you.

So, when it comes to health and sexuality, if you’re not willing to address these things, someone with a deprived—or, to be blunt, an unhealthy—perspective will. I know it sounds dramatic, but I’ll be real with you.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Go with it.

John Paul Simon: There's this evil lens that can get to your child's ear. And I think it’s like the comic book superhero or Shakespearean approach: You address things with the good, even if it’s uncomfortable. I don’t think there’s any way to minimize how uncomfortable these conversations can be. I’ll never pretend otherwise.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yes.

John Paul Simon: As a therapist, I sometimes think, Are we still calling it “the birds and the bees” talk? But the best part is this: You get to choose. You get to decide how you approach it. You write your playbook. If you feel there's a certain line you’re comfortable crossing with your child, then take it there.

Do your research, listen to great podcasts, get a coach if you need one, talk to your neighbors, speak to the schools. It’s all part of building that community to empower your role as a parent.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah. What’s coming up for me as you’re sharing this is that, several lifetimes ago, I was a sexual health educator. And what I remember learning from the research at that time is that, while we may fear our kids will take this information as permission, the research actually shows the opposite.

The more you talk to them about your values—which is exactly what you’re talking about—the more likely they are to delay engaging in these activities. If they know what you think, they’re more likely to say, No, my mom will kill me, or I can’t do that. They’ll have an excuse to avoid these things because they understand your values.

And one thing I’m hearing clearly throughout this conversation is that we, as parents, are the leaders here. We need to step into a leadership role with our kids and proactively talk to them about both the gifts of the internet and the dangers, preparing them for both. Is that about right?

John Paul Simon: Yeah, absolutely. That’s so important. I promise you, there isn’t some invisible enemy, although there may be. When I speak to parents, they often express a feeling of helplessness, as if their role is being undermined.

Society tells you to fall in line with what’s expected, and that’s true for any functioning society, but there also needs to be flexibility of thought. Parents need to ask themselves, What legacy do I want to leave for myself, my children, and their children?

This ties back to the hero talk, right? What legacy do you want to create? If you’re not willing to address these complex topics—whether it’s sexual health or internet usage—then the ownership your child takes, especially during pre-adolescence, will be limited to simple gratification and pleasure. But what if you prepared your child to talk about these things thoughtfully? It’s not an easy thing to do, but it’s worth it.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah, that’s really great. And I hate to have to end this conversation, but unfortunately, we have to. We might come back to it, depending on where this series takes us. But before we go, why don’t you tell people how they can learn more about you?

John Paul Simon: Absolutely.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Are there any resources you’d like to refer us to?

John Paul Simon: Sure! I’ll point you to New Jersey—this is definitely a Jersey thing to do, I promise! We’re not representative of the entire nation, but you can find some cool things about the team I’m part of, which is the NJ for S team, specifically the Bergen County team. I’m sure they’ll drop the website link somewhere for you.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: We’ll include it in the show notes, yes.

John Paul Simon: Great! Start there. We have resources, events that are accessible, and a lot of opportunities for continued learning. I loved going to school when I was a kid, and I truly believe you should never stop learning.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: I love that. Never stop learning! Okay, so we’re going to wrap this up. Is there anything you feel like we didn’t get to talk about today? I know we didn’t touch on teenagers, but we’ll save that for another conversation. Is there anything you’d like to highlight before we finish?

John Paul Simon: I don’t think I left anything out, but if I could just reinforce a point that I often emphasize in both my clinical work and community conversations: Keep writing your story. Keep taking ownership of it. You are the most important author in your own story. Don’t forget that.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: So what does that mean for parents who are raising kids in this tech-driven world?

John Paul Simon: When you hear that doubt in your head, when you hear your own voice criticizing yourself, acknowledge it. But then remind yourself that positive and productive things are on the way.

This might sound cheesy, but I say this to my clients all the time in therapy: Victory is already written for you. You just have to edit the chapters. A positive and amazing life is out there waiting for you. I promise. You just have to write it the way you want it.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Beautiful. And so, what I want to build on with your permission, for the parents in my community, is that we deal with complex kids. There are so many opportunities for us to doubt ourselves and second-guess our choices. What I hear you saying in the context of owning your narrative is also about trusting your intuition and instincts.

Know what you want for yourself, for your kids, and for your family, and keep advocating for it. Move toward what you believe in your heart is healthy and strong, and what’s best for yourself and your family. When you lead, your family will follow. And no matter what happens, you can’t control everything, but you can control how you respond to it.

If you set the stage for your kids to feel safe talking to you about these complex issues, when they are exposed to something, they’re much more likely to come to you. And at the end of the day, that’s what you want more than anything. You can choose to put your head in the sand, but that’s absolutely not the healthiest choice for your kiddo.

Before we wrap up, we always like to ask our guests, do you have a favorite quote or motto you’d like to share with our community?

John Paul Simon: I’m a quote person. I’m a movie and book reference kind of person. So, I’ll leave your audience with a song quote and a post-it note that I had in my high school office for years. It’s from a song by Lindsey Stirling and Andrew McMahon in the Wilderness. I can’t recall the name of the song, but it was featured in a Disney movie. The quote is simple but impactful: “Even though you’re scared, you’re stronger than them.”

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: I love that. I think it’s great for parents too—Even though you’re scared, you’re stronger than them. What a beautiful way to end. Thank you, John Paul. I appreciate the beautiful work you're doing in the world and for coming on to have this really important conversation with me. You've helped kick off this series of conversations, and I’m grateful for that.

John Paul Simon: Absolutely. I’m excited to follow along. I’m literally going to go back and listen to the rest of your episodes because you’re doing amazing work. I’m getting goosebumps right now. I’m also going to ask our marketing folks to connect because I believe there’s a different conversation that needs to happen. You've been in New Jersey, but I feel your message would resonate really well in my county. So, I’d love to connect through that.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: That’s beautiful! More to come on that. To those of you listening, thank you for tuning into this difficult conversation and for sticking with us through it. I hope you’ll stay with us and tune into the rest of the series as it unfolds.

If this episode hasn’t already reinforced our closing message, I don’t know what will. But before we close, take a moment to reflect. What’s one insight or aha moment you’re taking away from this conversation? What’s one piece of clarity you want to bring with you into your life in the coming weeks?

And as always, remember that what you’re doing for yourself and your kids—your leadership in this space—makes an enormous difference. Take care, everybody.