Why Can't They Just...?

Nearly every parent we work with asks the question, at some point, “Why can't my kid just ________!” You can fill in the blank with a variety of phrases: …get their homework done? …listen to me? …stop talking back? …get out of bed in the morning?

The reality is that they can't just ________! The brain challenged with executive function needs to be genuinely interested or engaged in order to take action. Only certain motivators really work for kids (and adults!) with ADHD.

For people who have no real challenges with executive function, this can be one of the hardest things to understand, even though it's simple science. The presence of a motivator is what fuels the neuropathways in the ADHD or anxious brain. Motivation is a powerful tool that helps people with challenges of executive function take action!

When neuro-typical people are faced with something they really don't want to do, they simply press an imaginary “just get it done” button, and voilà! They are able to make it happen. In the complex brain, the challenge is that the “just get it done” button has a glass box around it! They can see it, but they have a very hard time accessing it.

The Five Motivators

Motivation is essential to help a person with executive function challenges get something done. Psychologist William Dodson talks about an importance-based nervous system (motivated by things like obligations and deadlines) vs. an interest-based nervous system (motivated by what's compelling enough to get activated). While Dodson refers to five motivating factors with the acronym INCUP: interest, novelty, challenge, urgency, and passion, at ImpactParents we find that PINCH is easier a little easier to understand and remember.

While not everyone with ADHD or anxiety is motivated equally by all five of these motivators, below are some clues to help you identify what will work for your child.

Remember the acronym PINCH (P.I.N.C.H.):

• Play (includes Creativity/Fun/Humor)
• Interest
• Novelty
• Competition/Collaboration/Connection
• Hurry-Up (Urgency!)

Play/Creativity/Fun/Humor

Humans are inherently motivated by things that are fun, pleasurable, or enjoyable. This is all the more true for people who need some kind of stimulation to engage or take action – and there is no better stimulation than something that is fun, playful, or creative. Fun can tie into other motivators, like being interesting, novel, or competitive. Mostly, it's a motivator in and of itself. Want to get a kid with ADHD to get something done? Turn it into a game, and you're halfway home. As long as there's not too much competition, anxious kids will love it, too.

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Interest

The complex brain seeks stimulation, and things that it finds interesting are stimulating. Parents often complain that “my child won't do anything he doesn't want to do,” and to some extent, that's because it's not compelling enough. Students do well in classes with teachers who are engaging and in subjects they find interesting. While “boring” is a kryptonite for an ADHD or anxious brain, “interest” ignites a power chamber of fuel.

Novelty

Complex brains are stimulated by things that seem new or different. This can be simple as simple as a distraction (“Ooh, it's shiny!”) or as complicated as all of the changes that come with the beginning of a new school year. Many students will start off strong, motivated by new teachers, classmates, and schedules. As the school year progresses and is no longer novel, their engagement starts to wane. This is why new places to do homework or new strategies can be helpful – effectively, new is interesting.

Competition/Collaboration/Connection

Competition, Collaboration, and Connection are great ways to offer some brains the stimulation that it seeks. For some, competition builds on many of the other motivators listed above. Competition usually offers the possibility of a reward and often plays to someone's strengths. This is true of competing with yourself, as well as competing with others. Competition can provide interest, urgency, novelty, and play.

However, some people are more motivated by human connection and/or collaboration. People with anxiety, for example, can be stressed rather than motivated by the chemical reactions that come with urgency or competition. For many, human connection (like a study group) or the partnership of collaboration are strong motivators.

Hurry Up (Urgency)

People with complex brains often wait until the last minute to do things – whether it's starting homework or getting ready to leave the house.

This is because the frontal lobe of the brain (where the executive functions reside) is sluggish and isn't properly stimulated to get things done. Urgency shifts to a different part of the brain – the primitive brain – which provides the chemical incentive to take action. Deadlines can be really effective motivators for people with ADHD or anxiety (as long as they're not creating too much in the way of unrealistic expectations).

While urgency can be an effective strategy for motivation, we want to help our kids cultivate a number of motivators so that urgency is not their only way to stimulate themselves into action. Many parents worry about kids doing things at the last minute, and if it's their only tool in the toolbox, it can be a problem. But sometimes, it can be really effective.

Find What Works For You And Your Child

As a parent, start by identifying what motivates your child and helping your child to understand the role that motivation plays in her success. Over time, work with your child to identify what she sees as her motivators; and eventually, your child will learn to identify her own motivators. When that happens – when your child begins to understand the concept and create tools to help himself – that's when you'll know you've taught a lifelong lesson.