Don't Do What I Did

It's true confession time. Last night, I lost it with my kids. It was one of those moments – we've all had them – where if there'd been a video camera there like there is right now, I would have looked like some combination of Godzilla and that dragon thing that was in the Hercules movie on Disney. Here's the thing: I know why it happened. I could even tell that it was happening while it was happening. I coach people around this every day, but it still happened. Here's why: I was in threat mode. It had been a long day, I was completely tired, and my daughter totally pushed my buttons. When we get that way, the reality is that our brain shuts down and we only have two choices, fight or flight. Sound familiar?

It's actually a primal, animalistic response, like when we're being chased by a mountain lion. It's the same response that we need so desperately when we're about to be in a car accident and we need to slam on our brakes immediately. Really, when we get like that, all the blood rushes out of our brain and down to our feet so that we can act very quickly. The reality is – and the challenge is – that when we get into those moments, when the blood is in our feet and not in our brain, we don't have access to that part of our head that says, "Wait, I don't want to yell at my kids right now. It'll only make things worse and I'll regret it," so we do it anyway, not because we want to, but actually, because we don't have much of a choice.

Here's what you can do:

One: Pay attention.

Notice when the pressure starts to build. For most of us, there are warning signs if we pay attention to them. Maybe the hair stands up on the back of your neck. Maybe you get pressure in your chest or a pit in your stomach. Begin to pay attention to where it shows up in your body as you begin to get into thread mode.

Two: Break the cycle – before you enter threat mode.

Before you actually get into threat mode, take a few breaths, take a sip of water, get some space, take a timeout, get back into the problem-solving part of your brain before you start parenting – before you start acting in that situation.

Three: Make it right.

Fess up to your kids that you didn't intend to lose it. It creates a great opportunity to talk to your kids and to teach them some emotional intelligence. It's a natural reaction and our kids need to know that when we do it, when we lose it and when they lose it, it's normal, but that there are consequences to it, and it's important for them to understand what it's all about to be human.

The conversation this morning at our house was something like, "Who was that crazy woman who was running around here last night? Wasn't that amazing? I totally lost it." So, the next time you lose it – and I know you probably will, at least I know I probably will – don't just regret it for the rest of the day. Try something different to break the pattern and see what happens.