Most of us want our kids to become more confident and independent. We know their future success depends on it, and we worry that if we do everything for them, they’ll never learn to do it for themselves.

Article continues below...

Want to Motivate Kids?

Download a free tipsheet "The Parent's Guide to Motivating Your Complex Kid" to help your child find the motivation to do... anything and everything!

Find Out How

To cultivate confidence, our kids need to feel heard; to foster independence, they need to learn how to problem solve.

And yet, even the most well-meaning parents often do something that inadvertently delays our kid’s progress.

What is the mistake we make more often than anything?

We tell our kids what to do.

Yes, seriously. I know you mean well, and it’s what you understand as the most traditional parenting model. When your kids are young, they need direction. It helps things run smoothly: “I’m the parent, you’re the child. Just listen to me, and all will be well.”

Life gets so busy for everyone that it becomes an easy short cut for parents: direct the situation, make a decision and move on. That way, you’re not late for school because your son can’t figure out what to wear. There’s no battle about which television show to watch. You’re calling the shots. It’s easier for everyone.

But is it really?

Here’s the punchline: involving our kids is exactly what they need in order to learn how to manage things themselves. More than direction from us to master the daily challenges of life – like homework, chores, getting up — they need support in figuring out how to figure it all out.

Ever watch a kid who struggles with what to wear? If you get curious, you’ll notice what’s really going on underneath the indecision: the inability to solve a problem.

A kid with less developed executive function may not yet have the ability to solve that dilemma. Our complex kids, who are often 3-5 years behind their peers in their Executive Function development, may feel ready for independence, but their ability to manage their life independently doesn’t match their desire.

So, as “well-meaning” parents, we take the director’s role and jump in with recommendations. But our kid REALLY needs help in HOW to figure it all out.

Besides, as our kids get older, they don’t want us to direct them as much. By the time they’re teens, they may resist our direction entirely. It’s a natural step in becoming an adult.

So what do you do?

As parents, it’s easy to forget that we are not just trying to fix the daily struggles and challenges. Ultimately, we want to support our kids in developing the skills that they’re going to need in life – skills that will help them successfully maneuver and manage all of life’s challenges.

And the ability to feel confident in their decisions is absolutely key to their becoming successful, independent adults.

Want to Motivate Kids?

Download a free tipsheet "The Parent's Guide to Motivating Your Complex Kid" to help your child find the motivation to do... anything and everything!

Find Out How