In our family, as long as I can recall, we’ve used code words to ease and improve communication. 

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Minimize Meltdowns!

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When my kids were really little, we used were visual cues. Without saying anything aloud, this is how we reminded the kids to use a fork: By gently tapping two fingers on the table. To ask them to lower their voices — without uttering a sound — we used a hand gesture. (And we still use that one today!).

As the kids grew older, we started using verbal cues to help them learn to manage the intense emotionality that often comes with ADHD, anxiety, and other challenges.

What’s a Code Word?

Code words are verbal cues that we all agree upon, words that let us communicate with each other succinctly. They are a kind of verbal shorthand. Like a family whistle peeling through the air in a public space, code words help us quickly get to the heart of a matter. Better yet, they help us avoid unnecessary meltdowns and upsets.

Code Word Examples

Have you ever “cried uncle” when you were ready to give up on something, such as you just didn’t want to play that game anymore? That’s a code word (or phrase) that many people understand. Code words communicate important concepts in a flash. Here are some examples:

• “Bubblegum” means, “brace yourself because you might not like what I’m about to tell you.”
• “Broccoli Ice Cream” has been around a good long time. It means “someone is losing the ability to cope because they’re hungry. Stop everything now and get some food!”
• “Rope” means, “OK, everyone, back off because I’m trying really hard not to lose my cool.”
• “Don’t Poke the Bear” means, “leave your sibling alone because she’s really not in the mood right now to be messed with.”
• “Poor Baby” is something my eldest started saying after a long day. They didn’t want me to “fix” the problems they were complaining about. They just wanted me to listen, say “poor baby,” and maybe rub their back and show a little compassion. 
• One of the parents in our group coaching program, the Parent Success System (now called Sanity School Premium®), uses the code phrase “Take Two” whenever anyone (including the adults in the house) communicates in a way that feels harsh, unkind, or disrespectful. The person listening can say “Take Two” to prompt the speaker to try the communication again in a way that is gentler to receive. When done without judgment, “Take Two” is a simple way to redirect and avoid upsets.

To create code words (or phrases), start by asking yourself what triggers in your family could be avoided with a few well-chosen words. What patterns can you anticipate and avoid? If you’re not sure, ask your kids. Not only will they probably know, but they’ll likely do a better job of naming them than you. After all – would you ever have come up with broccoli ice cream?

Minimize Meltdowns!

Download a free tipsheet "Top 10 Ways to Stop Meltdowns in Their Tracks" to stop yelling and tantrums from everyone!

Find Out How