Generally speaking, parents of complex kids are well supported by caring, thoughtful professionals who are genuinely trying to help. As parents, we do our best to put their suggestions into practice. Sometimes, we turn to coaches or therapists to guide us, and sometimes we figure it out on our own.

But in the midst of all the advice we are given on how to handle our kids, sometimes, it just doesn’t feel right!

What follows is an excerpt from one mom’s email to us, and some of my responses to her. I hope it will help you see that, as a parent, it’s important to trust your instincts. Even if a paid professional is telling you otherwise, you’ve got to do what makes sense to you.

Diane’s Response: Having a structure and rules for completing homework is great, but you want them to work for your child so that they motivate him to success. Figure out what most motivates your child. Is it a reward? Consequence? Withhold? This may take a bit of detective work, but will work better in the long run. (Side note: two hours might be too much time to expect him to stay focused!)

Diane’s Response: I don’t disagree with “privileges” being earned. That said – food is not a privilege! The door on his room, IMHO, could be ;-). So find a privilege to use as a lever that makes sense for you. At the same time, I would do everything in my power to “connect” and do fun stuff.  Make him go to the movies, play basketball, whatever connecting you can possibly do make sure there is regular time outside of schoolwork. The idea is to begin to help him learn to cooperate with anything that might feel stressful, and in order to do that, you’ll want to focus on your relationship with him, first, so he can trust the connection with you.

Diane’s Response: I agree with this in concept, but not so much on how prescriptive it is. Again, until he’s back at the table, nothing is likely to work. It’s most important to devise a plan that works for your SON, one that he’s interested in making work. You might want to consult the website of Ross Greene and consider getting his book, The Explosive Child. Also, this article I wrote might help. 

Diane’s Response: From our perspective, rather than focusing directly on getting specific assignments completed, it would help a lot for you to shift your focus to two things 1) connecting with your son, 2) helping him develop the Executive Function skills he needs. It’s going to be important for you to find a way to let go of what you can in order to get through the year. Before anything else, you need to get him back at the table. Pushing won’t likely do that. 

It’s Up to YOU

The wonderful thing about advice from the experts is that it is just advice – it’s up to YOU how you choose to use it! At the end of the day, your relationship with your child is the most long-lasting gift of your life. Cherish it, and trust yourself to nurture it. Most of us want our kids to remember their childhood as fun – not a constant battle.