Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Hi everybody. Elaine and Diane here, and welcome to episode one of our series on the Parenting with Impact podcast, where we’ll talk about the issues that come up in our community. Welcome back!

Diane Dempster: Welcome back! I think the title of this episode is going to be something like "Don't Make Your Kids Your Job."

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Or something like that. We’ll see what the title ends up being, but the topic is:

Diane Dempster: "Are You Making Your Kids Your Job?"

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yes, are you making your kids your job? And what are the implications of that?

Diane Dempster: It’s interesting, so let’s start with this: Many of you are stay-at-home parents, and we don’t want to dismiss that. Many of you are also homeschooling your kids, so part of your job may be responsibility for your children.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Let’s be honest—whether you're working outside the home or not, part of your job is your kids. Parenting is a key and essential role that we all play. There's no question about that. We don’t want to undermine that at all.

Diane Dempster: And I think the challenge here, Elaine, is knowing when it becomes an issue. One of the things I think about a lot, based on personal development classes I’ve taken over time, is how our role as parents can start to define who we are.

I don’t know if you experienced this when your kids moved out, but for me, it was this moment of realizing, “I’m no longer doing day-to-day parenting.” I’m now only swooping in when needed. The one child who’s still living at home is often at someone else’s house.

So, when my nest became empty, I had to pause and ask myself, “Who am I? How am I spending my time? What do I want to do with my life?”

There’s a distinction between being responsible for your kids and letting that responsibility become your entire identity. That’s what I think about when we talk about making your kids your job. What’s your take on this?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: For me, it’s not just about whether the nest is empty. I think when my kids were younger, and before I discovered coaching, I made it my job to ensure everything was okay for them—to make sure they were okay.

It became almost an obsession to manage their world to such an extent that I lost sight of my own life. Everything came second to them. And that’s something I still struggle with, and I think a lot of moms can relate to that.

Diane Dempster: Yeah.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: But there’s something different about it, right? It’s like being a "professional mom." I’m a smart, capable person, and my kid is struggling, so I’m going to figure this out—become the professional in this realm.

Diane Dempster: What comes to mind as you’re talking about this is how, back in the corporate world, we had 360 reviews and quarterly evaluations with our managers. And I think part of this discussion is about how we evaluate our success as parents.

So, yes, we have kids, and they’re our responsibility. I had a mom the other day say, “I literally don’t feel like I’m doing my job as a parent unless my kid is getting A’s in class.”

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right?

Diane Dempster: And I was like, "Wow, is that really true?" It’s about asking, what part of this is about responsibility, and how do you measure success in playing this role?

Parenting is a role we all play, but I think we get tripped up by thinking, “Well, if my kid isn’t successfully launched, I must not be doing my job,” or “If my kid is really struggling, I must not be doing my job well.” The tricky part is how we evaluate our success in this.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right. There's this correlation people often make—thinking their child's success reflects how good they are as a parent.

Diane Dempster: Exactly.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: And frankly, you can be the best parent in the world, and your kid can still be struggling. Those two things aren’t mutually exclusive.

Diane Dempster: That’s true.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: I really want to emphasize this again—you can be the best parent in the world, and your child can still be struggling.

And part of the peace in that is realizing that you’re not going to be a better parent by doing more, by sacrificing everything else. In some ways, that can actually make you less effective. If your kids start reacting negatively to everything you say and do because they feel like they have no space, that’s not healthy either.

Diane Dempster: Right. It’s almost like the word hypervigilance comes to mind. If we don’t know what success really looks like for us as parents, we fall into this trap. Society often defines success by things like good grades, academic achievements, or other milestones.

But if we're sitting here thinking, “What does success look like for me as a parent?” we need to take a moment to really reflect. It’s important to recognize that I can’t control my kids. I can support, guide, and influence them, but I can't control them.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Exactly.

Diane Dempster: If you’re measuring your success by an outcome that you ultimately can’t control, it’s going to be exhausting.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: I have no control over it.

Diane Dempster: I hate to say it that way, but you don't.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right. So here's the story that’s coming to mind. I had this really interesting conversation with my husband this summer. His mom used to always say, "You're only as happy as your least happy child." My husband thought I said that, but I actually believe the opposite.

So, he attributed that saying to me, but I corrected him. I said, "I don't believe that." And we had a really interesting conversation about it because I feel that if you're only as happy as your least happy child, that’s actually not healthy for the whole family dynamic.

I believe I need to find my happiness based on who I am and what I’m bringing to the world, not whether my child is thriving, happy, successful, or not at any given moment.

Diane Dempster: Well, it’s the same thing as saying, "I’m only as successful as my least successful child." It’s the same kind of mindset. But I think that’s the piece we miss. We don’t take the time to ask ourselves, "What makes me happy? What makes me feel successful? What makes me feel like I’m thriving?"

If we hang our sense of happiness or success on someone else’s performance, it’s exhausting. And here’s another thought that just popped in, Elaine: Another issue we often see in our community is that parents get upset, feel overwhelmed, and want their kids to change so that they feel better.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yes.

Diane Dempster: Or they want their partner to change so they can feel better.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: I remember walking into my family room one day. My three kids were sitting in front of a screen—watching TV or gaming or whatever—and they were perfectly innocently doing their thing. But I walked in, looked around, and started barking orders at them.

Then I realized that I was overwhelmed because other things weren’t getting done. They were just being kids, doing what kids do at the appropriate time. There was nothing wrong with what they were doing, but I was stressed, and I was allowing that stress to make me think that I needed their behavior to be different in order for me to feel okay. That’s what really had to shift.

What changed for me, more than anything, through a coaching approach, was realizing that their performance wasn’t what I should be focusing on. It was my relationship with them, my connection with them, my ability to communicate with them—that’s what set me up for success as a parent and set them up for success as kids.

Diane Dempster: It’s really interesting. I’ve been working with a couple of private clients around emotional dysregulation, and both the parents and their kids are struggling with it. The parents often want to do something to prevent the child from getting upset, so the child doesn’t lose control. I’ll ask them, "What if we worked it the other way around?"

It’s almost as if we feel justified in our emotions—like our upset is justified, our overwhelm is justified—and then we think the other person has to change. What do we do when we’re overwhelmed or dysregulated? The brain says, “Okay, you all need to do something different so that I can stop feeling overwhelmed.”

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right.

Diane Dempster: And that's such a common pattern.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah. 

Diane Dempster: And it's because we’re dysregulated that we fall into that pattern, right? So, if we can calm ourselves enough to pause and say, "Okay, wait a second, I’m feeling overwhelmed. What am I doing to solve that problem?"

You might think, "Okay, I should probably do some things around the house. I wonder if I can get my kids to help me. That might be more fun than doing it alone."

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right.

Diane Dempster: You could say, "Hey, kids, what time is your show over? I’d really love some help cleaning the kitchen or putting the groceries away." But instead, because you’re overwhelmed and stressed, you’re barking out orders, right?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah, it's like what Runkle talks about. He wrote about screen-free parenting and mentions it in terms of what you're really saying to your kids: "Calm me down. Make me feel okay."

And part of the challenge is, if we go back to the original topic of whether we're making our kids our job, part of it is that we need to do our job—managing ourselves, regulating our emotions, taking care of ourselves, and making sure we have things on our plate that we care about.

Diane Dempster: Yeah.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: So that it’s not all about them. I have another topic related to this that I want to bring up, but let’s take a quick break. Should we do that?

Diane Dempster: We can. I’ve got one too.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Alright, two more things. We’ll be back in just a minute. Welcome back, everyone, to the Parenting with Impact podcast. We had a couple of things to discuss after the break.

We’re talking about how, as parents, we have a tendency to make our kids our job and how that may not be the healthiest choice. Okay, Diane?

Diane Dempster: What you were saying before the break was about paying attention to yourself and your own needs. One thing that came up—I’m not sure if it was in a group or somewhere else—was an exercise where we could say, "My needs are the most important in the room right now."

And just find one minute a day, or one hour, or whatever feels realistic for you, to say, "Okay, for the next five minutes, my needs are the most important in the room."

It’s an exercise where you can say, "Okay, just a tiny bit, nobody's here, I’m going to go in the bathroom, close the door, and for the next two minutes…"

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: I’m standing here.

Diane Dempster: Some of you are laughing because I do have a client whose young adult child won’t leave them alone in the bathroom. They have such a hard time being alone. But find that minute, or five minutes, or whatever you can. So, that’s my take on that.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: I love that. When you say that, I think about when I started shifting things when my kids were younger. I made a few key decisions. First, I decided—and declared to them—that I was going to start going to the bathroom by myself. Another thing was I stopped eating dinner sideways. I used to eat sideways at the table so I could pop up at any moment. But I started sitting facing the table. I assigned one of my kids to be the "hopper," so when I sat down at dinner, I typically didn’t have to get up again.

What happened as a result is that, because I started being the first one served instead of the last, we started dinner when I started eating. It wasn’t a situation where I didn’t get a bite or had to eat everyone else’s leftovers. It really became about me prioritizing myself, focusing on the basics, and making sure I was fed.

Diane Dempster: It’s about self-care, right? We talk about self-care all the time, but we’re not just talking about going to the gym or taking a bubble bath.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: We might be talking about any of that.

Diane Dempster: Yes, but we're not limited to those things.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Exactly.

Diane Dempster: My point is that it's about the basics. I wanted to sit at the table and actually eat. I remember a time when I would eat whatever was left on everyone else’s plate. A lot of parents go through that stage. But it’s about figuring out what you need, what you want to do, and how you want to spend your time. And finding time for that.

How many parents do you know who say, "I don’t have any time for myself because my kids are so busy"? That’s a great opportunity to ask, "Do we really need to be doing all 700 activities? Or could everyone in the family get one activity, so mom can go to pottery twice a month, just like kid number two goes to soccer twice a month?"

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Do you bring that into your routine? I remember I used to take my kids to their sports practices, and then I would use that time to go for a walk or talk to friends.

Diane Dempster: I did the same thing, or I’d bring a book to read while sitting at soccer practice.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right. So, how do you care for yourself in those moments?

Diane Dempster: In the car, or whatever else, right?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: How do you take care of yourself? The other thing I want to bring up is another way to know if you’re making your kid your job. If you’re afraid that when they leave, you won’t have anything to do, it probably means you’re doing more than you need to be doing—or more than they need you to be doing.

I’m not saying we don’t scaffold or support them, but if all of your time is spent making it possible for them to function, that’s something to pay attention to.

Diane Dempster: Right. So, we have a few things here. First, how are you measuring your success? Are you measuring it based on your kid’s outcomes?

Then there’s the idea of giving ourselves space and permission to take up that space.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yes.

Diane Dempster: Right? And then the last thing is, "Okay, let me check myself and see where my priorities lie." And you can often tell by looking at your calendar and seeing how you’re spending your time.

You just made a face. I’m not sure if everyone saw that, but it's like… that’s about—

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: For me, I prioritize my work, and I prioritize my family. It’s very hard for me to prioritize myself. I usually have two out of three priorities going on at any given time, and I’m working on it.

Diane Dempster: Yeah, and I think that working on it is important. Here’s the difference between Diane and Elaine: I color-code my Google Calendar.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: True story.

Diane Dempster: Yep, I have a color code for everything. Personal time is one color, work is another, client appointments are a third. I can look at the week and see, "Whoo, this week's pretty green," or, "Oh, this week's pretty purple," which means it's personal time.

It helps me see how much of my week is dedicated to the things that I believe are important, not just the things required of me. We need to do the required things, of course, but we also want to make sure we’re fitting in the other stuff.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah, well, I have to laugh because that would make me crazy.

Diane Dempster: You’re right!

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: And I want to make a distinction between what’s required of us and when we’re doing more than what's required because we don't know what else to do. I think that’s what happened when I made my kid my job. I didn’t have anything else.

I actually needed to go back to work, and that was the best thing I ever did for my kids. When I had that much free time, it was all about them, and that wasn’t good for either of us.

I also want to talk about paying attention to when we feel we have to be doing something, and when we’re doing more than we need to. I don’t want to lose sight of that.

Diane Dempster: Yeah.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Because I think it’s important.

Diane Dempster: It is important. And I think doing more than we need to is where the slippery slope begins. A lot of us say, "But they need help, but they need this," and that’s the piece we hope you’ve heard from us over time: what are you working on? Look for the baby steps and don’t overwhelm yourself.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Don’t try to do it all.

Diane Dempster: Right, don’t try to tackle everything at once. Yes, make your kids a priority and focus on things, but if you're thinking, "Okay, the kids are home, it’s three o’clock, what are the 17 things I need to talk to my kid about?" that’s a great opportunity to pause and ask yourself, "Maybe I’m overdoing this." It’s a chance to step back.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah. Some tools that might help: I really like your idea of looking at how you’re spending your time. Something else that comes to mind is paying attention to your language. It’s one thing to say, "We need to get the homework done," when you have an eight-year-old, but that language may need to shift when they’re 14 or 16. Is it really "we," or is it their work, and time for us to shift into more of a support mode?

So, pay attention to how we might not be letting go of what it means to parent a young child as they move into their preteen and teen years. We need to shift how we’re being with them to parent with a bit more distance, or appropriately pass the baton to them.

Diane Dempster: Awesome.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: What are you thinking?

Diane Dempster: No, I feel like…

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: It’s pretty good.

Diane Dempster: Anything else? I think we’re pretty good.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: I think that’s a lot. I guess there’s one more thing I want to say, which is, this is not an invitation to beat yourself up.

Diane Dempster: Yeah.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right. We’re not trying to make anyone feel wrong here. We just want to raise awareness that this is something many parents, especially moms, struggle with. It’s an opportunity to step back, regroup, look at the big picture, and ask yourself, "How do I feel about how this is going for me?" and "What needs my attention in terms of transferring ownership to them and taking care of myself?"

Diane Dempster: So, before we finish, take a minute and jot down a note. What insight have you had from our conversation?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: What’s your Aha moment or awareness?

Diane Dempster: And what do you want to do differently? What’s an experiment you’d like to try for the next week? Maybe it’s actually closing the bathroom door. Maybe it’s color-coding your calendar. Or maybe it’s paying attention to how you're feeling and asking yourself, "What makes me smile? What makes me happy?" and ensuring that it’s not about something someone else does for you.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah, awesome. Alright, everybody, have a great week! We’ll talk to you on the next one. Take care.