Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Welcome back, everybody, to another conversation on the Parenting with Impact podcast. Diane and I are here today to talk about a new framework we’ve come up with.

Diane Dempster: Oh my gosh! We’re always coming up with some new framework or idea, and it makes me laugh. When I think back to the original model Elaine and I created—wasn’t that at your kitchen table?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: 2011.

Diane Dempster: Yeah, 2010 or 2011, during the winter between those two years. That model has only undergone tiny tweaks over time. And yet, every so often, we come up with another great idea. So now, there are all these additional concepts we’ve added on. This new framework we’re discussing today is one of those.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Exactly. Here’s the thing: we have this overarching model, this macro framework for managing and navigating any kind of complex issue. It’s about taking aim, collecting information, and so on. That’s the foundation of what we teach.

Diane Dempster: That’s our core model.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right, it’s our core model. I believe we talked about it in one of our first episodes—maybe the first or second.

Diane Dempster: We should link to the model. We need to find that episode.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yes, we’ll include it in the show notes. So, there’s the core model, and within that, we have a variety of frameworks designed to address more specific issues.

Diane Dempster: Exactly. These frameworks help with more specific challenges. The reason we use frameworks is that they make it easier for us as adult learners to navigate and understand complex ideas.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah.

Diane Dempster: To remember them, right? If you can recall things like ACE, ABI, and other little acronyms we use, it helps us as adult learners. We can think, "Oh, I can remember ABI differently."

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right. It’s a variation of a mnemonic, isn’t it?

Diane Dempster: Yeah.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: These tools help us learn. We have some great frameworks, so maybe we’ll include a few of them in the show notes, so people can find them.

Diane Dempster: Like ABI and other frameworks.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: ABI and some of the others, right?

Diane Dempster: Okay, so today’s...

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Framework.

Diane Dempster: Framework is the three A’s.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Can I just give a little more context before we dive in?

Diane Dempster: Sure.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Every year, we host a back-to-school webinar in September or October. We brainstorm topics based on what’s relevant—what we’re hearing from parents and what we’re seeing. The goal is to share valuable, practical insights in a way that’s simple and easy to implement. So, with that in mind—go ahead.

Diane Dempster: I was just going to say that part of what we discussed during the event was this idea: most challenges parents face with complex kids boil down to three key areas. Either the child has lagging executive function skills, they’re dealing with stress and overwhelm, or there are communication and trust issues that have built up. These three areas are the most common challenges.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Hold on, I’m not ready.

Diane Dempster: Don’t worry, I wasn’t going to say what they are yet—I was just going to point out that the three A’s address those challenges.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Perfect.

Diane Dempster: That means we're the solution for, like, “Well, what do I do with all three of these things? The executive function challenges, the stress and overwhelm, and the communication and trust issues, right?”

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right. In our framework, there are 20, or even 50, different tools you could use to address these issues—but that can feel really overwhelming.

Diane Dempster: Exactly.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: So, part of what this framework offers—we’ve mentioned it before, I think—it’s called the Three A’s Framework.

Diane Dempster: The Three A’s.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right. What this framework helps you do is compartmentalize when you’re dealing with any challenging situation. Our goal is to provide frameworks that can help you tackle challenges with any child or young adult, regardless of their age.

Diane Dempster: Yes.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: So, whatever you’re dealing with, the first question to ask yourself can be: “Does this situation require me to Avoid, Accommodate, or Act?”

Diane Dempster: Totally teasing them by not explaining it just yet.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Okay, now I’m ready for you to dive in. What are the Three A’s?

Diane Dempster: The Three A’s are Avoid, Accommodate, and Act.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: And what does that mean?

Diane Dempster: Well, before we get into that, I want to add some context. It’s important to approach this process with an experimenter’s mindset—to treat it as an experiment. A lot of parents come to us saying, “I’ve got to fix this. It’s terrible. I need to do something right now.”

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: “This has to stop.”

Diane Dempster: This has got to stop, right? But we want to hold it a little lighter than that, if possible. And if you're struggling to hold it lightly, go listen to one of our podcasts where we talk about managing stress.

Specifically, it might be your own stress and overwhelm making it harder to approach the situation lightly. These are things to experiment with—they’re not, “Okay, this is the solution.” That’s one of the things I love about what we offer compared to other resources. Some of them say, “If this happens, do this. If that happens, do that.”

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Because that always works.

Diane Dempster: Right, and it doesn’t work when you’re raising a complex kid. Instead, it’s about asking yourself, “What can I experiment with?” Simplifying it: Do I avoid the issue? Do I accommodate it? Or do I take some action? Those are the three options. So what do they look like? I mean, the words seem straightforward, but how do they apply in real life?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Let’s dive in. Another bit of context is this: When you’re tackling a complicated situation, you need to figure out what’s underneath it—what’s causing the issue or driving that unwanted behavior or dynamic, right?

For example, Diane, the one I’ve been using a lot lately is this: If your kid is hesitant to do something, it might be tied to a social or communication challenge. If that’s happening because of social anxiety, you’d handle it differently than if the hesitation stems from not knowing what appropriate behavior is or what to do. Your solution will differ based on the root cause of the problem.

Diane Dempster: Right. Or it could be an executive function challenge, where your child struggles to avoid distractions. This makes it really difficult for them to engage in social settings, right?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Exactly. Or they might have a language processing issue, so they're not keeping up with the conversation. I remember one of my kids used to come home and say, "I have no idea what my friends are talking about."

Diane Dempster: Right.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: School.

Diane Dempster: What I hear you saying is that this all stems from what’s happening beneath the surface. It could be tied to the three things we were discussing earlier: lagging executive function skills, stress and overwhelm, or issues with communication and trust.

It might be something going on with the parent, or it might be something going on with the child. But the key is to start there. The reminder for all of us is that when we ask, "What’s going on?" we shouldn’t jump straight to the obvious, snarky response. We need to dig deeper.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Like, “They're rude.” Or, “It’s their fault.”

Diane Dempster: Or, “It’s just the parents.”

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Or, “They don’t care.”

Diane Dempster: For instance, when it comes to getting homework done, people might say, “They just prefer gaming over homework.” Okay, well, who doesn’t prefer gaming over homework?

But kids usually know they need to do their homework. So there’s probably something deeper going on beyond just their preferences, right?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Or maybe they do know, but they haven’t fully accepted that they need to do it. I was talking to my young adult son’s partner recently and shared something my eldest said back in high school that’s stuck with me for over ten years now: “Don’t you see, Mom? If I haven’t done it, I haven’t done it wrong.”

I watched this young adult tear up when they heard that because it resonated so deeply. It reminded them of how much in their own life they’ve avoided, simply out of fear of doing something wrong.

Diane Dempster: Right.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right? And so, yeah. There's just so much here.

Diane Dempster: So much depth to this. It feels like we’re covering 17 different podcast episodes all at once. But the bottom line is to look at what’s going on underneath and make sure you’re clear on what you’re focusing on. There might be several things at play, and the common ones are executive function challenges, stress and overwhelm, and communication and trust issues.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Slow down. The common issues are executive function challenges, stress and overwhelm, and communication and trust issues. Right?

Diane Dempster: Right. And with any of these, we need to decide whether to avoid the issue, accommodate the situation, or take action.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Exactly. Should we take a break and then dive into each of those?

Diane Dempster: Sounds good.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Okay, welcome back, everyone. Diane and I are discussing the three A’s of parenting—or navigating complex issues in general.

Diane Dempster: And for the record, Diane is switching from coffee to water because, apparently, I’m talking way too fast today. So, just bear with me.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: I did have to slow you down there a little bit. But that’s okay—processing takes time.

Diane Dempster: Yep.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: So, the three A’s are avoid, accommodate, and act. Once you’ve figured out what problem you’re trying to solve or the issue you want to address, this framework can help you decide what to do next.

Is this a behavior or issue that needs to be avoided—for example, something that’s not a priority right now? Do we need to accommodate this behavior to work with it more effectively? Or is it something that requires action?

Go ahead, Diane.

Diane Dempster: When I think about experimenting with avoiding, there’s this higher-level concept. It’s about the things we tend to do in these situations that we actually want to avoid.

For example, we might want to avoid reacting or overreacting, and instead focus on responding. We want to avoid jumping into "fix-it" mode, which is what we often do.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Or rescuing.

Diane Dempster: Exactly—rescuing, right? Like we discussed earlier. We might also want to avoid making judgments or assumptions. Some of these ideas we’ve already touched on, like looking at what’s really going on. We want to avoid saying things like, "Well, they just... [fill in the blank]," and jumping to conclusions.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: We might want to avoid nagging.

Diane Dempster: Right.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Or feeling like we have to jump in and take action—that sense of "I’ve got to do something," going back to that idea.

Diane Dempster: Exactly. We might also want to avoid setting unrealistic expectations. That’s another example of something to watch out for. And we might want to avoid certain behaviors altogether.

There’s a tool within parent behavior training programs—what do they call it? Conscious avoidance? No, that’s not it.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Active avoidance.

Diane Dempster: When I think about experimenting with avoiding, there’s this higher-level concept. It’s about the things we tend to do in these situations that we actually want to avoid.

For example, we might want to avoid reacting or overreacting, and instead focus on responding. We want to avoid jumping into "fix-it" mode, which is what we often do.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Or rescuing.

Diane Dempster: Exactly—rescuing, right? Like we discussed earlier. We might also want to avoid making judgments or assumptions. Some of these ideas we’ve already touched on, like looking at what’s really going on. We want to avoid saying things like, "Well, they just... [fill in the blank]," and jumping to conclusions.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: We might want to avoid nagging.

Diane Dempster: Right.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Or feeling like we have to jump in and take action—that sense of "I’ve got to do something," going back to that idea.

Diane Dempster: Exactly. We might also want to avoid setting unrealistic expectations. That’s another example of something to watch out for. And we might want to avoid certain behaviors altogether.

There’s a tool within parent behavior training programs—what do they call it? Conscious avoidance? No, that’s not it.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Active avoidance.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Well, it’s still a work in progress.

Diane Dempster: Right. But it’s like, What do I avoid doing? It’s a sort of, “Stay away from this territory; don’t go to this far-off land.”

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain. Is that what you mean?

Diane Dempster: Exactly—“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.” But also, maybe it’s about identifying things we want to approach differently. We want to avoid certain actions—like reacting, judging, or nagging—because those aren’t helpful.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right, and there might be times when we intentionally ignore or avoid engaging with a specific behavior from one of our kids.

Diane Dempster: Exactly. And here’s the interesting part: when parents start working with us, especially in the early stages, they often ask, “Does this mean I shouldn’t have any expectations? Does it mean there’s no accountability? Are we just letting them get away with everything?”

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: That’s a common concern. Some parents lean on low-demand parenting simply because they don’t know what else to do.

Diane Dempster: And while low-demand parenting can sometimes be a useful tool, it’s not the only tool you want to rely on.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Exactly. There are times when letting go of addressing certain behaviors is necessary. If we try to tackle everything all at once, both parents and kids will become overwhelmed. When kids feel overwhelmed, they don’t know what’s truly being asked of them.

What we’ve learned is that focusing on one clear priority—taking aim—can make a big difference. For example, if the goal this week is for your child to get their backpack ready for school, then as parents, we might scaffold other things like getting up on time or going to bed earlier.

By prioritizing one key thing at a time and scaffolding the rest, we create a clear focus. This also means there will be some unwanted behaviors we’ll choose not to address this week. We’ll let those slide, not because they don’t matter, but because it’s not the right time to tackle them yet.

Diane Dempster: Yeah.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: And we can come back to it later. That act of avoiding—sometimes it’s appropriate, but not always. When you do avoid, it's often because you’re focusing on other things.

Diane Dempster: Okay. So, actively avoiding and consciously avoiding some of the reactive behaviors we have as parents—those are the two parts of avoidance.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: That’s “avoid,” okay?

Diane Dempster: What about accommodation? You were just talking about scaffolding, and it made me think about the difference between scaffolding and accommodating. A lot of times, as parents, we hear about accommodations in school. I just want to remind parents that if your child needs accommodations at school, they may also need accommodations at home. It’s a great exercise to consciously consider: What accommodations might I provide around getting to the dinner table?

What accommodations might I offer for doing chores, homework, or other responsibilities? And, am I choosing those accommodations consciously? So, Elaine, what do you see as the difference between an accommodation and scaffolding?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: That’s a great question. I think scaffolding is about facilitating a child in doing something, achieving, completing, or finishing a task because they’re not developmentally ready to do it independently. For example, a scaffolding behavior might involve helping a child know when and where to do their homework.

An accommodation, on the other hand, involves a shift in how we support them. For instance, if my child comes home from school and needs help figuring out their homework for the evening, an accommodation might look like this: When they’re younger, I might sit with them and help them identify their assignments.

As they get older, that might shift to me scribing for them while they verbally process what needs to be written down because they have dyslexia and struggle to figure it out and write simultaneously. Over time, as they develop, the accommodation could evolve into supporting them in figuring out their homework.

Diane Dempster: Well, I think we can use the terms scaffolding and accommodation somewhat interchangeably, but I don’t want to confuse anyone by trying to make them overly distinct. However, when I think about the difference, I view accommodation as something I’m actively working on.

It’s about asking myself: How am I helping this child? How am I moving them forward? Like you mentioned, starting with one level of support, then gradually shifting to another as they grow and develop.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right. For example, in a school setting, an accommodation might be that a student only completes the odd-numbered problems in math instead of all the problems because they have a slow processing speed. They’re still learning the material, but we’ve adjusted the workload to match their needs.

At home, an accommodation might be expecting your child to load the dishwasher but not unload it because they’re not yet ready to handle the full task or because their schedule is already packed.

Diane Dempster: Or they might need me to stay in the kitchen with them while they’re unloading the dishwasher to help them stay on track.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Exactly. Or perhaps we do it together, collaborating, because they haven’t yet fully grasped the sequence of steps. An accommodation often involves modifying the expectation to align with where they are developmentally. Does that sound fair?

Diane Dempster: Yeah, it does. I think the bottom line is that we want to create space for our kids to be where they are right now. Accommodations are about meeting them where they are, and then, as we often say, raising the bar from there.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right. 

Diane Dempster: When you’re accommodating, there’s a process you need to go through. What’s coming to mind is how parents often ask, Am I supporting, or am I enabling? It’s really about actively partnering with your child to figure out, What am I doing to help them become more independent?

Am I challenging them to be as independent as they’re capable of being most of the time? It’s about finding that balance. For example, instead of thinking, I’ll just clean their room for them for the rest of their lives because I like it clean, it’s about saying, Okay, I’ll have them sit in the room with me and help while I clean, and then eventually—

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: They’ll do it with you, and over time, they’ll take the lead.

Diane Dempster: Exactly. And part of accommodating also involves making it okay to make mistakes. There’s a mindset of experimentation—recognizing that we’re trying things, and sometimes they’ll work, and other times they won’t.

There’s a gentleness and flexibility in this process that becomes really important, even when it comes to accommodations.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah, there’s no single right answer. Sometimes, we need to figure out what the accommodation should be and what steps need to be taken to set the goal of leveling the playing field for our kids. The purpose of an accommodation is to meet them where they are developmentally and set them up for success, which in turn builds more success.

If a task has too many steps, we might need to reduce those steps, make them clearer or "stickier," or provide additional support to help them succeed. A classic example is the "fence analogy." If a child can’t see over the fence, we might give them a step stool to stand on—or even cut a hole in the fence so they can see through it. Those are accommodations.

Diane Dempster: Yeah.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right?

Diane Dempster: So, the third A is act. What do you want to say about that?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: This is where most of us naturally want to start—by taking action. It’s like, Let me do something! But just as with avoidance, when we talk about action, we need to consider both our actions and their actions. Does that make sense?

Diane Dempster: It does. And I think this ties back to avoidance. Avoidance is about not reacting emotionally—letting our fears, worries, or "future-tripping" lead the way.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: It’s frustrating when that happens.

Diane Dempster: Exactly. When our actions are driven by emotion rather than conscious intent, we lose focus. This is where conscious action comes in. The first step in taking action might actually be regulating ourselves.

How do I keep myself calm and grounded so I can make intentional decisions? When do I know it’s time to act, to accommodate, or to take another approach? That discernment—knowing when to act and when not to act—is such a crucial part of this process.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah, and to your point, self-regulation is a key part of taking action. From our perspective, effective action starts with ensuring we're acting from a place of calm.

Diane Dempster: Right. And the second part of that is ensuring your child is also in a calm state so they can collaborate or engage with you.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Exactly.

Diane Dempster: So often, we're ready to move forward and make things happen, but our kids are spun out—upset, scared, overwhelmed, or something else entirely. It requires a conscious effort to pause and ask: Is the family system regulated?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Commit to act.

Diane Dempster: Right. And the first commitment is to calm, isn’t it?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: That’s what we’re saying—commit to calm before taking any action. Make sure everyone is calm before proceeding.

Diane Dempster: Exactly.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: From there, it’s about deciding on the appropriate action to experiment with for addressing the specific behavior you’re working on. Sometimes, that means leaving certain behaviors aside temporarily.

In other cases, it might mean accommodating those behaviors to some extent. And when we focus on improvement, that’s where tools like scaffolding and addressing lagging skills can be really helpful. This is the area where those strategies are most effective—they’re less useful when we’re in the "avoid" or "accommodate" zones, but they really shine here.

Diane Dempster: Those are, yeah, that's... those are different categories. But we're talking about, yeah...

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: This is where executive function comes into play. Identifying it is a great opportunity to examine executive function. What is the underlying executive function challenge that makes this behavior difficult for the child?

Diane Dempster: And what’s a realistic expectation to set for this child? Then, how can I help set them up to accomplish the expectation we’re developing for them?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah. What just occurred to me when you mentioned lagging skills, stress, overwhelm, communication, and trust at the beginning...

Diane Dempster: Yeah.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right. In many ways, we avoid. Much of what we discussed about avoiding was related to managing stress, overwhelm, and communication or trust issues. And much of what we discussed about accommodating focused on creating an environment of trust and setting the child up for success to reduce overwhelming stress.

In the action realm, it often ties back to different aspects of executive function. Sometimes it’s about maintaining effective communication and continuing to build trust. That can show up in the “commit to calm” piece. But otherwise, action is really about improving skills and behaviors. It’s like, Okay, now it’s time to address...

For instance, cleaning up the stuff all over the floor in the room, or helping out with dinner cleanup. This is where we start setting appropriate and realistic expectations for the child—and ideally, doing so collaboratively with them.

Diane Dempster: Exactly. That’s where I was headed. First, it’s about taking aim—focusing on one thing at a time rather than trying to tackle everything all at once.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah.

Diane Dempster: Go listen to our discussion about taking aim. Let’s make sure to include that in the show notes. The second part is understanding your role. Are you acting as a director, collaborator, supporter, or champion in this scenario?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: In that moment.

Diane Dempster: Exactly. In that moment, it’s about deciding, Okay, am I approaching this as a collaborator—working with my child to get their buy-in? Or am I stepping into a leadership role to guide the process?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah, I’m thinking about a conversation I had yesterday in a coaching group for parents of teens. It was a great discussion, and part of what we talked about was understanding what’s in it for them and taking aim at the next area of improvement.

One example was a teen who struggles to get up and go to school. A lot of parents were sharing how their teens have a hard time waking up and getting to school on time. But this particular teen is meticulous about getting to work on time.

So, the question became: Can we tap into that value and motivation he has for work and help him apply it to getting to school on time? He even admitted that being late for school is embarrassing for him, so there is some motivation there.

Sometimes, taking action is about identifying what’s in it for them and helping them choose what they want to work on next.

Diane Dempster: Yeah.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right?

Diane Dempster: That’s the buy-in piece. I actually mentioned this yesterday in a group for parents of young adults. If something is your agenda and not yet their agenda, that might not be the best place to focus. You want to start with something they’re interested in changing.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yes.

Diane Dempster: And it’s also about finding the overlap between what matters to them and what matters to you.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Exactly. When it comes to action, it’s really important to focus on this. It’s not about taking action just for the sake of doing something—or even just to make your life easier. If you don’t get their buy-in, you’re not going to get the engagement you need.

Diane Dempster: So, it's a conscious action, not a reactive one. It’s an action taken from a place of setting realistic expectations, considering executive function, stress, overwhelm, and all the other factors we discussed. It’s about being intentional, understanding the role you're playing in the action, and determining how engaged you will be or how you’ll interact with your child in that context.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: And considering what their agenda might be in the process?

Diane Dempster: Exactly.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Great. So, those are the three A's to keep in mind when tackling challenging issues and figuring out where to take aim. Another framework that might help you think more effectively is to ask yourself: What behaviors might I need to avoid? What behaviors might I want to accommodate? And what actions might I want to encourage or change?

Consider if this perspective helps you approach challenges and family dynamics differently. Try it out and let us know your observations. Share your thoughts in the forum and tell us what you’re noticing as you apply these skills.

Diane Dempster: Awesome. Thanks for listening today. Thanks for showing up for yourself and your kids—it makes a difference.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: At the end of the day, you make an enormous impact. Thanks for being here.

Diane Dempster: See you next time!