Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Hi, everybody. Welcome back to another conversation on the Parenting with Impact podcast. Diane and I are here today to talk about how to stop fixing and start helping—or how to stop fixing so you can start helping. Something along those lines.

Diane Dempster: I'm laughing because I’m thinking back to when we first created the avatars, Elaine. We had these moms and dads, and after the fact, we came up with this avatar we called “Fix-It Fran.” She was kind of the last one we added to the first round of avatars. She’s the one who's always trying to get everything done, fix everything, and arrange everything.

And as I reflect on it now, I realize Fix-It Fran might not actually be one of our people, right? Because she’s all about trying to fix everything. But then I also think—maybe she is one of us, because the reality is we all tend to become Fix-It Fran at times.

It's that moment when we get off balance—whether it’s from overwhelm, frustration, fear, or whatever it is—and we either try to control or avoid. I think Fix-It Fran often represents the person who's in “control mode.” Like, “I have to fix this right now. I’m the only one who can do it.” That’s how I identify with fixing. How about you, Elaine? How do you identify with fixing?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: I love where this is going, right? Because here's what comes up for me. You tend to go to control as your default when you get dysregulated, right?

I tend to avoid. So, my relationship with fixing is a little different. I take a more passive approach; I might wait it out or see if it resolves itself. And I think about how many times people come to us after years of saying, "I was hoping it would get better" or "I thought they might just grow out of it." Right?

So, there’s something really important for our community to consider—not just for our community, but for all parents. Let’s be honest.

Diane Dempster: Let’s face it, everyone—even if you have a human who’s not a parent listening.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right, exactly. Wait, let me finish my thought. There’s something really important for us to wrestle with when it comes to that tendency to fix, make it right, correct, or complete something. And how important that message gets to all of us. But sometimes, it’s not about fixing it. It’s about learning to deal with it. What’s that thing?

Learning to dance in the rain, right? That’s a very, very important part of life—not trying to make everything "alright," but learning how to be with it when it doesn’t always feel "alright."

Diane Dempster: Well, there are two things here, right? First, if you notice yourself feeling the urge to fix something, that’s probably an indication that you’re a little off balance—wobbly, dysregulated. So, pay attention! That’s the signal to take deep breaths or figure out what’s going on.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: And that comes up every time we talk to someone.

Diane Dempster: It always comes up.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right.

Diane Dempster: The other thing you’re pointing to is that sometimes, it’s not about fixing, right?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: It’s not about having something to fix.

Diane Dempster: Right. It’s about just being with what is and learning how to navigate through that. And the great thing about that is it teaches our kids important skills like resilience. It shows them that life isn’t just about great things happening to us.

Sometimes it’s about neutral things, and sometimes things aren’t so great. That’s an important life lesson for our kids. So, where do we go from here?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: So, here’s what came up for me: a lot of it has to do with the story we tell ourselves. Full disclosure—over the last couple of months, I’ve been in a really swirly, "woe is me, why is this happening?" kind of place.

There’s been a lot going on in my life that hasn’t been positive, despite all the really fabulous things in my life. I was letting myself fall into this rabbit hole spiral of negativity. But then, last week, I had a series of events happen—three days in a row—that reminded me to step back into my mindset and choose how I wanted to think about things.

It doesn’t even matter what those events were, but it felt like the universe gave me these gifts. I had a conversation with one person, then another, and then—true story—a picture out of nowhere from my cousin’s daughter. She’s 22, and there’s a photo of her with the Dalai Lama, and he’s holding her face, and she’s reaching out to him.

The image was pure joy, and it was a reminder that there’s so much beauty and joy in the world. It’s up to me to decide how I want to engage with it, interpret it, and frame my mindset. And I don’t mean to sound Pollyanna-ish about it...

Diane Dempster: It sounds a little Pollyanna, but you're not being that way.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: But we always have a choice, right? In every moment of our lives, there’s always something beautiful and, probably, something not so gorgeous happening at the same time.

Diane Dempster: Well, and even when it’s a stretch. Sometimes, in certain situations, you can stretch to see the beauty in it. You can stretch to see the opportunity in it.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: "Opportunity" is the key word here.

Diane Dempster: Right. So, let me see the opportunity.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: But go ahead.

Diane Dempster: And sometimes, let’s face it, we’re dealing with some really rough situations—can I say that? In our community, right? And sometimes, it’s just about saying, "I don’t want to let this get to me." That can be as simple as acknowledging, "This is yucky," but choosing not to let it drag me down. I want to land on the other side of it, or I want to help my kid land on the other side. Which brings me to something else I want to talk about.

Well, let’s pause here for a second. Can I just say something? What you just mentioned is one of my defaults. I remember this a lot when my kids were younger. It’s like, I can laugh or I can cry. There’s a picture of me with my oldest child when they were about a year old, in front of me in a carrier.

They had terrible reflux and we didn’t know what was going on health-wise at the time. The kid was screaming their head off, and I’m laughing my head off. To a casual observer, it might look like a really cruel photo, but I keep it framed—it’s about a one- or two-inch photo. I keep it framed to remind myself to laugh through the hard stuff, because I couldn’t change it, I couldn’t stop it, right?

But energetically, I could choose to be with it differently. So, I could be with them in their pain instead of feeling like I needed to stop it, which wasn’t going to work. That would’ve just created a hot mess.

Diane Dempster: Well, I think what you're speaking to—and what I’m speaking to as well—is this idea that, while you may not have a choice about whether or not hard things are happening for you or your kids, you do, theoretically—and I’m saying this with great compassion—have some choice in how you respond when those things happen.

So, whether it’s resilience, fortitude, looking for the opportunity, or even laughing because there’s no way you can be serious with something so crazy going on, there’s this aspect of it. We may not be able to control what’s happening to us, but we want to believe that we can control how we respond to it. And I think that’s key—being willing to consider that there’s more than one way to respond to a really tough situation if it’s going on for you.

Instead of going back to the beginning, needing to fix something, maybe there’s another approach besides fixing that’s more appropriate in the midst of it. So, can we take a break and then come back to discuss something else?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Well, maybe not something else. Can we stick with this for a bit?

[After Break]

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: So, welcome back, everybody. We’re talking about fixing vs. helping, mindset, and choosing how to respond instead of reacting. And what I was thinking about with what you just said, Diane, is that I do believe we can’t control what happens, but we can control how we respond to what happens. Right? I truly believe that at my core.

And I want to go back to that word opportunity, because I think we’re so conditioned in our society to focus on excellence, achievement, hitting the metrics, and doing the right thing, that we forget to allow for the opportunity in things not going well. For the opportunity to grow. I was being interviewed today on a podcast on Blog Talk Radio about neurodiversity.

One of the things they asked me was, what’s the benefit of coaches understanding neurodiversity and neurodivergence? What I talked about was how important it is for us to understand the opportunity for resilience.

They asked about the gifts of neurodivergent or "neurospicy" people, and I said one of the greatest gifts of people with neurodivergence is their capacity to get back up and try again. That resilience is something developed from years of navigating obstacles.

And I’m not saying we want it to be hard for us or our kids, but those challenges make for some really interesting adults who go on to achieve amazing things and create incredible resources in the world, thanks to the empathy and resilience they’ve developed by overcoming obstacles as kids or teens or whatever stage it happens.

Diane Dempster: And that’s not universal, right? What you’re describing is knowing that you could create some space for your kids to bump around in life a little bit. It’s about not trying to wrap them in pillows to make sure nothing unwanted happens or to prevent challenges. I hear parents all the time say, “Well, I went through that when I was a kid.

I had ADHD, and nobody understood me. I just don’t want my kids to go through the same thing I did.” And I think that sometimes there’s so much heartbreak in that. One thing we haven’t really talked about yet, but I want to, is how we respond as parents when our kids say, do, or experience things that are heartbreaking.

How many times have we seen our kids, and I know mine did this, and I think yours did too, Elaine, where they’re beating themselves up, saying, “I’m such a loser. I can’t believe I did that!” They’re really angry or upset about something, and our instinct is to fix it. We want to say, “Oh no, you’re amazing! You’re smart! You’re this, you’re that.” Right?

And we end up discounting their experience, even though we mean well. We want them to feel better, we don’t want them to feel bad, and our solution to that is often to erase their feelings. But part of life is knowing that not only are yucky things going to happen, but we’re going to feel yucky about those things. And that’s a life skill in itself.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Well, it’s interesting because part of what I’ve been dealing with, and what I’m finally pulling out of, is watching at least one of my kids really go through this. When the world is in a hard place, sometimes it feels like we’re witnessing a lot of heartbreak—whether locally, nationally, or globally. Being with that can feel so intolerable.

It can feel so impossible, especially for our kids who feel so deeply. And I think for me, who feels deeply too, I’ve really been struggling with feeling the pain of the world. Do you remember when the tsunami happened all those years ago? You and I both woke up...

Diane Dempster: I had a dream.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: The tsunami. It was so wild, y’all. We both woke up the next day, talked to each other, and realized we were both in this state, almost having energetically experienced the heartbreak from across the world.

Right? And we had real conversations about how to deal with it, how to navigate that kind of emotional weight. And I think that dealing with heartbreak is a real part of life, isn’t it?

Diane Dempster: Well, I think we don’t normalize it enough, right? There’s this push for everyone to be happy, but life’s a roller coaster. The challenge is that our kids often have more than the average share of opportunities for heartbreak and tough situations.

Don’t get me wrong, we experience it in our circles too. You’re going to get exhausted trying to protect your tribe from experiencing heartbreak. It’s just a fact. It’s exhausting. Instead, it’s about acknowledging, Okay, there’s heartbreak. How do I want to respond? It’s about bracing ourselves, versus just being with life.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: I’m reminded of when we first created Minimize Meltdowns, remember all those years ago? We were talking about the difference between needing to make it stop and understanding that sometimes, a meltdown has to run its course. Sometimes, you just have to navigate it. So, there’s prevention, and then there’s management.

And I think what we’re talking about in navigating heartbreak, whether it’s someone not showing up for a date or a parent not following through on a promise, or even the heartbreak of global events, is helping our kids see their own resourcefulness. It’s about helping them see their capacity to be with hard things, without crumbling under the weight of it.

Diane Dempster: Well, that's the common thread, I think, in a lot of what we teach. We’re really talking about life skills here. Yes, you want to help your kid through middle school exams, but what you’re really trying to do is develop a child who can handle and navigate the bumps and bruises of life as effectively as possible. And that might mean, sometimes, things get messy.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Okay, so here’s what comes up, and this is me going into solution mode. But, okay, if what we’re saying is that our job as parents—and our work here at Impact—is, in part, helping parents guide their kids through life skills, especially in navigating heartbreak, what are some tools parents can use in those moments?

Diane Dempster: Well, the first one—I’m going to go back to the very beginning—is the reminder that when heartbreak happens, whether it’s for us or for our kids, there’s going to be dysregulation. So, the first thing to focus on is the nervous system of the family.

You want to start by ensuring that you’re focusing on your own calm as much as possible. Then, help your child focus on their calm. When you’re going into the toolbox, you want to approach it not from a place of “I have to fix this,” but from a mindset of, “Here’s the situation.

Here’s the problem. How are we going to approach it together?”

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: So, commit to calm.

Diane Dempster: Commit to calm.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Recognize the emotional impact and commit to calm. That’s huge. We’re not dismissing it as a small thing. What we’re saying is that you have to start there, right?

Diane Dempster: Go back and listen to that podcast, or... I don’t know.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: We’ll find it for you in the show notes about calm.

Diane Dempster: Once you’re calm enough, and your kid is calm enough, then it’s time to move forward. And I think that’s the second piece of this: so often, we jump right into problem-solving, thinking, "Let’s figure this out."

But kids aren’t always ready to engage in that process. It’s like we’re just talking at them, and it feels like we’re doing it all on our own. We really have to wait and invite collaboration, right?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: We have to acknowledge their experience and feelings. So, you’ve got calm, but you also need to truly acknowledge what’s going on for them. One of my kids was having a complete meltdown during a visit recently, just about everything happening in the world. It wasn’t irrational—it was just a deep, real feeling.

I watched them with their grandmother, and suddenly, they were on the ground, holding her, crying, because they felt the weight of the world. And in that moment, they needed their feelings to be acknowledged. It was really hard for them to feel that way, and they needed to be seen and heard without being dismissed or “fixed.”

Diane Dempster: So that brings me to the tool you’re describing, Elaine, acknowledge, show compassion, wait (because there’s a dash between the “c” and “e”), and then explore.

Acknowledging and showing compassion, validating our kids and ourselves, helps de-escalate the situation. It also gives them space to clear some of the emotion, so that we can move into a more collaborative environment. Collaboration is always a great tool.

And as I was saying earlier, we want to be invited into collaboration with our kids, especially when they’re older. It’s about getting permission to be involved, not just swooping in. So, there’s that aspect of collaboration with participation and permission.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Exactly. We tend to have that urge to just dive in. If we go back to the original question—how do you stop fixing so you can start helping? One way is to ask permission before offering advice, input, or getting into the conversation.

It’s about not forcing the conversation, but involving them in a way that cultivates trust, so they feel willing to engage with us. And remember, sometimes it takes a week or more to get into an important conversation. It can take time.

Diane Dempster: Well, what came up for me as you were saying that, Elaine, is that we’re talking about help, right? And so often, in these situations, we’re dealing with kids who need more help than they’re ready to ask for, or more than they think they need.

Part of this, especially for those of you not in crisis mode, is normalizing and teaching the life skill of asking for help. If our kids realize, "Hey, it’s normal for me to need help," they might be more willing to ask for support from us—whether that’s from mom and dad or another trusted adult—rather than feeling like they have to handle everything on their own.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: All right, that actually went pretty well. We set the stage, and we had no idea where it would lead. But what I just heard is: commit to calm, use ACE (acknowledge, show compassion, and explore) to truly acknowledge their experience, ask permission—this applies at any age—and, in a larger context, normalize and teach the life skill of asking for help.

Diane Dempster: Exactly. And once you’ve done that, you're ready to problem-solve. It's like thinking about solving a problem versus fixing a situation. The energy behind that makes a difference. I’m imagining it’s springtime here as we record, and I’m clearing away debris around the plants to see what’s underneath.

If I just started yanking things out of the garden without considering what else is there, I wouldn't get the same results. The way we approach a situation—patiently, thoughtfully—really helps us engage more creatively, effectively, and collaboratively.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: And sometimes, there’s no problem to solve.

Diane Dempster: Yes!

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right. So we also need to ask, if we slow down and create space to acknowledge what the feeling and experience are, we might realize there’s no actual problem to solve here.

Sometimes, it’s about simply being with someone in their frustration, pain, discomfort, or whatever they’re going through. And there's value in that too.

Diane Dempster: Or being with someone as they navigate a failure and holding them through that, not expecting them to just magically learn from their mistakes. Our complex kids don’t always learn from their mistakes in the same way their peers might.

But, being with them through the process of stumbling, falling, and figuring out what comes next is crucial.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: That was a great conversation. Well done, Diane.

Diane Dempster: Always a pleasure to talk with you about these things.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: You, too, my friend. All right, everyone. As always, if you’re tuning in, it means you’re conscious, engaged, and making a difference. You’re here for yourself and your kids, and we truly honor and acknowledge that.

So, the question is: what are you taking away from this conversation? What insight will you carry forward into your life?

Diane Dempster: And as we wrap up, thank you for being here. Thank you, Elaine, for your time and presence. And thank you to everyone for what you're doing for yourselves and your kids. At the end of the day, you are the difference.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Take care, everybody.