Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Hi, everybody. It's Elaine.

Diane Dempster: And Diane.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: And we're thrilled to welcome you to the Parenting With Impact Podcast. And we thought we might introduce ourselves as a way of introducing you to what we're going to be talking about.

Diane Dempster: So let's dive in and tell you a little bit about what Impact Parents is all about, how we ended up in this world of supporting parents of complex kids, and what we're going to talk about in the podcast.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: So the first thing we ask all of the podcast guests is to start by telling us how did you get into this work. How did you end up here? So maybe we should start with that? What do you think? 

Diane Dempster: Yeah. So, how I ended up here was three complex kids, a complex ex-husband, a complex now partner, and found myself as the executive function mom. I was the one in the family that had the most executive function, and so ended up dragging everybody around and helping them get everything done and found myself getting frustrated more than I wanted to.

And when I became a coach in 2010, I realized that some of the tools I was learning as a coach were really changing the family dynamic.

I was using them with my kids, using them with my ex, and really helped the way we were communicating with each other, and ultimately helped my kids to become more independent to be more collaborative with me instead of me having to tell them what to do all the time. We began to work together, and Elaine, your story is similar but different.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah, exactly. So I, too, was a mom of three complex kids. The difference is that I am the mom and what I call an ADHD ++ family of five. So over the years, as a new mom, we discovered one by one each kid, like dominoes was diagnosed with ADHD, anxiety, learning disabilities, a whole range of other issues.

And my husband was identified, and by sometime in my early 40s, I was identified. That's when I went to the doctor. And I said, is it just me, just them? Could it be me? And at first, she dismissed me and she said, no, honey, you're just a mom, and I persisted and got evaluated. And so, for the first 10 years as a mom, I was really lost and overwhelmed.

I was struggling to help my complex kids. And I just didn't know how and I was trying to help myself, and I didn't even realize I was dealing with the same issues they were dealing with. And so, like Diane, but from a different angle, I became a coach. I was actually on my way to become a therapist. I was going to get a PhD. I had taken the GREs. I was going back to graduate school. And I discovered coaching, which I thought was going to be a stopgap in my career, and it turned out to be that very first afternoon, my very first training, I fell in love.

I knew that I had found what I was supposed to be doing in the world. And so I dove in and became a coach. And as Diane said, when I became a coach, I became a much better mom, a much better wife, and partner and daughter. And it just improved all of my relationships and all of my family dynamics. And when Diane and I met each other back in 2010, by that point, I had already started a coaching practice.

And I really wanted to support other parents of complex kids because it was really clear that there was a lot of support for kids but there was not a lot of support for parents. Now that's changed. But in those days, there really wasn't a lot. And as parents, you know, there were a lot of doctors patting us on the head and saying no, dear, you're fine.

Therapy was an option. I tried therapy. It was helpful for a while, but what I needed wasn't therapy. I needed a Sherpa. I needed a guide. I needed help figuring out how to handle the complexities of my life.

Diane Dempster: What I noticed now, fast forward 10 years later, there's a lot of information out there for parents, and what parents really need is not more information and ideas. You can google ADHD or anxiety all night long.

We did some research last year, but where parents get stuck is how do I take all these great ideas that I get from the internet, or from the doctor, or from whoever and actually make them work or actually make them happen in my house when I'm struggling and overwhelmed.

Or I've got executive function challenges myself as an adult, and that's really what Impact Parents is all about is how do we take the information we're learning as parents and make it more practical, make it more real, make it happen? Because that's what coaching is all about is digging in deep and moving things forward.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: So here's what I would add is that when we became coaches, we became better parents, and we realized we could teach this stuff to other parents, so that's when we started working together. And we don't want parents to become their kid's coach because we want you to be your kid's parent.

But we do think that there's some skills from the world of coaching and some concepts from this coach approach that are really useful in empowering kids to take ownership of their lives. And whether you're a parent, or a teacher, or a therapist, or some combination of those, which a lot of our community is.

The coach approach, coaching skills, and tools and concepts really help you shift the dynamic with kids and empower them to take on a sense of agency and ownership of their lives to see themselves as wanting to become responsible for their lives instead of waiting for someone else to do it for them because it's easier or avoiding things because they're hard, which is very common and complex kids, right?

Diane Dempster: Absolutely. And I think that the bottom line of what you shared is that there's two parts of this: connecting parents and giving them information and practical tools for how to help their kids now and setting your kids up. Because ultimately, it's not just about the problems we're facing today with the homework or the chores around the house, or the towel on the floor, or the technology. What we're ultimately trying to do is to help our kids develop life skills, and confidence and agency and independence so that they can eventually launch, and we're not having to tell them what to do all the time. 

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right. The goal here, from our perspective, is to raise adults. And in order to raise adults, we have to steward kids through their childhood and teenage years, and even through their early adult years, and help them learn and feel empowered to take ownership of their lives. And our job is to support them in that process.

What we do at Impact Parents is help parents with tools and strategies and techniques and concepts to do that really effectively. How to take what you understand about whatever the challenges are that your kids are facing and implement it in a way that really empowers them in their lives? And so that's really what we want to do in this podcast, right?

Diane Dempster: Yeah. So I was going to say that the next question is so what are we going to do in this podcast? There's a couple of different things we're going to do. We're going to talk to some leading experts with information about the topics that are really important to you as a parent of a complex kid.

And so that's one thing, and we're not going to just talk to them, we're going to help you figure it out, so what do I do with this information?

So everything is all about turning information into action, and so that's the first thing is interviews with experts. What else are we going to do, Elaine?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: We're going to talk to each other. We're going to share with you themes and concepts and ideas that we see that come up in our work working with parents of complex kids. We do private coaching. We run a number of coaching groups.

We've been doing it for over a decade. And so really helping you see the concepts that sometimes we need to pull back and get a little metacognitive. We need to think about what we're thinking about.

Diane Dempster: What's really going on here?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Right. So we're going to talk to each other and share our insights with you and some of that. And then sometimes we're going to talk to people who have been in our community and we're going to share some success stories.

We have a private members forum for people in our community, several hundred people in there, and we asked them what they wanted from the podcast. One of the things they said they wanted to hear with success stories.

Diane Dempster: So many parents are just looking for a ray of hope. It's sort of somebody who can tell me that it's eventually going to be okay, and we're here to tell you that it's going to be okay hearing another parent who's had some successes and is willing to share those. And the reality is that this is a roller coaster.

There are days that things are going really well, and there are days that things are not going so well, and connecting into some hope and some lightness can be an enormous help for us as we're on our own journeys trying to figure out what the heck do we do day to day is we're struggling with our kids in the trenches.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: So you made me remember Diane. When Diane and I first started working together when we started it used to be Impact ADHD before it became Impact Parents, and our first tagline was enjoy the ride because we knew life is a roller coaster. And we wanted to help parents enjoy it like you're here because you want to be in a relationship with your kids.

You want to love them and connect with them, and you want to continue that relationship into their adulthood and feel a sense of connection with them and community with them. My kids and I joke around. They tell us we built a friend group, and that's what I think a lot of us want with our families is we want to feel like we belong there, like we feel comfortable there.

And that's what we're trying to create here is an environment where you can begin to shift to create the kind of family dynamic that you want. What are you going to say, Di?

Diane Dempster: Some of you might be wondering whether we are your tribe, whether we are your community. It's sort of like I'm looking for my people. And so, let's talk a little bit about what we're all about. So we're all about strength space.

We're about positivity. We're about relationships. If you're the parent that is tired of yelling at your kid because you really want to enjoy your kid and love on them and have fun, you want them to remember the great family moments and not the mom or the dad that's been griping at them constantly to get their homework done, we're your people. What else would make somebody our people, Elaine?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: I think that if you know that that you're part of the solution, that if you know that what you've been doing isn't working, and you're ready to try something different, you know that there's something that your kids need that you haven't quite understood how to give it to them yet, you're our tribe. I like this. Let's play with this. You're our tribe if-

Diane Dempster: You're our tribe and I want to be careful with the word tribe. So, if anybody's offended by that, sorry, but we're going to use the word tribe. The other thing that might tell you that you're our tribe is if you're into doing some personal work.

It's just if you're one of those people that is willing to look at your stuff and how it gets in the way of your parents. I was talking to the other day about a dad who has this big thing about being prompted on time, and he realized that what was really going on underneath it was that he used to get in trouble all the time for being late.

And so there's this thing in his head going, oh my gosh, we're going to get in trouble if we're late, and he's passing that on into the family dynamic. And it's really just an old tape from his childhood. So, if you are one of those people, go ahead.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: No, I love that. Okay, here's another one. If you don't feel like you have good models for parenting. If the parenting paradigm that you were raised in is not how you want to raise your kids, if you feel like you're looking for some help to do it differently than how it was done with you, we are your people. We do a lot with a lot of clients.

Diane Dempster: Let me take that a step further. So if you know that the traditional method of parenting doesn't work for you or doesn't work for your kids, we're your people because it's about finding your method of parenting in a way that works for you, a way that works for your kids really trying to find a way to be authentically the parent that you want to be able to be and to help your kids thrive in the process then we're your people. What else?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: If you really want to enjoy this, like if you are tired of feeling stressed out and overwhelmed and you just want to have a positive family dynamic and improve the tone of your home and feel like you're building a family of cohesion and unity where you support each other; we're your people. That's something we help parents do really, really well.

Diane Dempster: Again, it's if you are having a hard time putting things conceptual things into practice, and you're struggling with consistency, or you're struggling with even knowing where to start, you're absolutely our people because that's what we help people do all the time.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: If you think consistency is a four-letter word, you're our people because I do too. If you struggle with planning and organizing and feel like you can't do what the "experts" are telling you to do, that's okay. We can help you figure out how to do it in a way that works for you and your family, and I think that's the key is how to do it in a way that works for you and your family. That's what it's about. 

Diane Dempster: The other thing it's about, and I think we said this before, but it's not about what's going on today. It's about helping your kids to become more independent. It's not about expecting them to be independent. It's about helping them learn the tools and the strategies they need to become independent because this is about life skills. This isn't about the planner and the towel on the floor today. It's really about organizing yourself and figuring out how to create an environment that you like the way it looks when they get older.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: One more if your kids are struggling to hit classic milestones if they're struggling with life, or with learning, or with both. If they are struggling with self-regulation, maybe they're struggling with emotional regulation, maybe they've got a diagnosis, maybe they don't have a diagnosis, but it just shouldn't feel like it shouldn't be as hard. If you know your kids are struggling, and you don't exactly know how to help them, this is another reason to tune into this podcast and let us guide you in the coach approach and help you move things forward in the direction you really want to go.

Diane Dempster: Does it make sense to talk a little bit about why the coach approach works?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah, let's do that. And then I think we need to wrap up and let them start listening. Cool.

Diane Dempster:  So I think the reason for me that the coach approach works is that it's about meeting people where they are. It's either about meeting your kid where they are and figuring out how to get them to the next level and the next level and the next level or it's about meeting the parent where they are and helping them to get to the next level and the next level. Every family's different. Every parent is different. Every kiddo is different.

Even with the same diagnosis, these kids are different. But it's about looking at where you are and figuring out where you want to go, and creating the roadmap in between. What else do you feel makes it different?

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: For me, the coach approach, there two things that come up. One is about empowerment. It's about helping people reach their potential, whether it's kids reaching theirs, or parents reaching theirs. It's really about seeing what's possible and moving toward something instead of away from something.

We have this tendency to be really good at saying that's not working, and I don't want that. And coaching is about helping you figure out what you do want and working towards it. And then the other thing is that it's about helping you do that one step at a time, like what we know about change is that profound transformational change happens in tiny, little steps.

Coaching is about paying attention, not just to the big concepts, but also to the tiny little steps and moving through sequentially for gradual improvement, instead of trying to throw everything at the wall at the same time and expecting something to stick. 

Diane Dempster: The other thing about change, and I don't know if this statistic is right or not, but I heard that like 10% of change is knowing what to do, the information part of it. And 90% is about practice, and practice means that it's not about getting it right.

It's about paying attention to what's working, paying attention to what's not working, evolving, moving, tweaking it, adjusting it. I mean, you guys have complex kids. You know that sometimes the thing that worked last month is just not working at all right now. And so you've got to have resilience and creativity and know that you're not looking for the right answer.

You're looking for the next thing to try and stay in the game and looking at it from a marathon view. We use that language all the time. But it's knowing that it's not about again, it's not about just right now, it's about let's keep this in perspective of where we're really trying to head over time. 

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: Yeah. So, if you want to fix your kid, this is not your podcast.

Diane Dempster: This is probably not your podcast.

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: But if you know that you're part of the process, and you want to start thinking differently about how to create the family dynamic and the tone of the home that you really want we invite you to dive in with us to explore with us, to ask us questions to engage with us.

And let us introduce you to this amazing world of the coach approach to parenting that can really transform family life in a pretty short period of time. The changes start pretty quick.

Diane Dempster: Yeah. So, welcome to Parenting with Impact. 

Elaine Taylor-Klaus: We will see you soon